conversation with mom

[scripty]
Pamie
…And then I said, “Well, that sounds dangerous, so please don’t tell me about it until it’s over or I will worry about it from now until it’s over.”

Mom
That’s exactly what you should have said.

Pamie
Which is how I knew I’d officially turned into you. I no longer want to hear about dangerous things people are doing until they’re done doing them. I suddenly understand why the mom of the girl at the Olympics wouldn’t even watch her compete. Used to think it was selfish; now believe it’s completely sensible.

Mom
This is why I don’t want to know anything about roller derby.

Pamie
Which is why I didn’t tell you when I broke my tailbone.

Mom
You should still tell me when you break your tailbone.

Pamie
And lie about how I did it?

Mom
I need to know when you break something.

Pamie
So you can get mad? Or so you can stop worrying that I’ll break something and start worrying about how I’ve broken something?

Mom
Both.

Pamie
I am careful, Mom. I watch out for myself.

Mom
Uh-huh. I’m sure you do, but you live in a city full of crazy people.

Pamie
Myself included.

Mom
People are always dying out there. Murdered in the streets. Whenever I watch one of these television shows, the murders and death are always happening in Los Angeles. Dangerous city.

Pamie
Mom… that’s because they make those shows in Los Angeles. This is where they make television. If they made all the television shows in Chicago, you’d think Chicago was the most dangerous city in America.

Mom
No, there are other dangerous cities. CSI: Miami, CSI: New York…

Pamie
Mom, I work at CSI: New York.

Mom
Really?

Pamie: Yes. They shoot across the street from my office. We’re on the same lot. And I can’t believe I just called a city “CSI:” anything.

Mom
Would you say hi to Gary Sinise for me?

Pamie
No. He gives me the creeps.

Mom
Well, that’s crazy. He seems like a nice guy.

Pamie
Why doesn’t Gary Oldman make movies anymore?

Mom
Now, THAT’S a creepy guy.

Pamie
Yeah, but he was really good at it.

Mom
What were we saying?

Pamie
That I’m going to be careful when I’m walking through the streets of CSI: New York at night.

Mom
Good. I love you.

Pamie
I love you, too, Mommy.
[/scripty]

Yay, Germany!

If I were lucky enough to be in Germany right now, I could pick up a copy of the German translation of “Why Moms are Weird.”

(I’m guessing this translation based on Babelfish and plot description. Any German speakers care to correct me?)

It’s my favorite thing in Germany next to Bernd das Brot.

Translation: finding a man for my mother.

fun with mom. (snippets from the cell phone)

[scripty]
PAMIE
Mom. Mom! Richard Grieco just walked into this coffeeshop.

MOM
Who? Oh. From 90210.

PAMIE
21 Jump Street.

MOM
Which one was he, again?

PAMIE
Booker. He’s the one who was not Johnny Depp. … Which I bet he hears all the time, including in his nightmares. He had the spin-off, remember? Booker?

MOM
I don’t think I watched that show.

PAMIE
Oh, you know who would have loved this? Dad. Remember he used to always tease me for watching that show. Well, I don’t know if he was teasing, or if he really just liked saying Booker over and over again in that weird voice.

MOM
Yeah, I didn’t watch it. I don’t like Shatner.

PAMIE
… No, Mom, that’s… that’s TJ Hooker.

MOM
Well, what did you say?

PAMIE
I said Booker.

MOM
What?

PAMIE
Booker.

MOM
Why are you saying it like that?

PAMIE
Because he’s standing right next to me! I’m trying to be quiet!

MOM
I can’t stand Shatner.

PAMIE
Not TJ Hooker, Ma. Booker.

MOM
I remember now. I didn’t watch that show, either.

PAMIE
No, you didn’t. Anyway, that dude’s standing right next to me.

MOM
I just don’t know why anybody likes Shatner.
[/scripty]

office space

I keep planning on sitting down to write my Festival of Books story. I haven’t forgotten.

Instead: Two Office-related thoughts in my head lately.

The first was after hearing that Jenna Fischer broke her back at the upfronts by slipping on marble stairs while wearing heels. “That’s exactly what will happen to me if I ever get to go to the upfronts,” I thought. Because, come on. You know that’s what will happen, right after they introduce me as Pamlea “Camel” Riboy.

But more disturbingly, when I found out that The Rules For Starting Over had been picked up, my first thought wasn’t the one I should have had. See, the producers on that show are the ones who developed Why Moms Are Weird with me this season. And just last week I went in to meet all the other people on Rules, because they’d read my stuff. And so the first thought I’m supposed to have upon hearing that a show I met on got picked up is, “Yay! Maybe I’ll get a job!” But instead I thought, “Yay! Rashida Jones will have to leave The Office! Jim and Pam can finally be together!”

Which is why yesterday I bought five books. Because I think it’s time to step away from the television for a little while. (Just as soon as Lost and The Sopranos are over. I mean, come on!) Continue reading

Dear Dad,

I can’t believe it’s been five years and three days since you died. Five years. So much has happened that you’ve missed, much of it things you told me you knew you were going to miss. You were like an oracle in that hospital bed, pointing at the television, telling me my name was going to be on that screen with “written by” in front of it, and that you wished you were going to be there to hold a book with my name on the cover. It makes me wish you’d told more about the future lives of all of us instead of that tangent about the girl you took to prom, the one with the bacne.

It’s always painful when the big moments happen and you aren’t here. But those, in some ways, are much easier to get through. Mom, Bosie and I will call each other, or the moment is big enough that there’s a friend around or many friends around, or it’s happy enough that the joy quickly fills up the ache. It’s the little moments that get to me. It’s hard to get through the moments when you are the only person who would have been able to understand. Continue reading

waiting.

Lots of waiting.

I turned in the final draft of Why Moms Are Weird: The Sitcom to ABC last Thursday. Today, we are supposed to learn its fate. Will they want to shoot the pilot?

As I sit here, staring at my cell phone, waiting, I realize I’ve been gone from this site for a very long time. I’m sorry to have neglected you. Life has been taking over… well, my life. Continue reading

my thanksgiving plans… and my december plans.

“Okay, so those are our notes, and we just want you to keep them in mind while you’re off and writing. Good luck. And we’re excited to read your script!”

That was ABC. After rounds of outlines with producers and more producers and the studio and now the network, it’s time for me to sit down and make this pilot script actually exist. Here goes.