Tag: Letters Never Sent

  • 20, Nov., 1990

    Let me start by saying I am appreciative of all the attention Little Pam has received. It’s not just the emails, the letters and poems you’ve unearthed and started posting on your own websites, or even the Facebook fan page someone started for LP (seriously), it’s this shared feeling of mortification and anxiety I’m causing. […]

  • Dear Oprah,

    Please stop Skyping. I don’t watch your show to meet Jennifer from Oahu on her webcam. Once I’m done judging her home (.000023 seconds), I’ve got nothing left to do but judge her clothes, haircut and webcam quality. And if her husband’s sitting next to her, then I have to think about their relationship, and […]

  • Dear XM radio:

    I can’t tell if someone working there is an idiot, or a complete genius. Do you know that you’re starting your “30 Days of Coldplay” promo with six seconds of Radiohead? Because you are. It’s a shiv to the tummies of Radiohead fans. You’re playing “Paranoid Android,” and then moving into “Viva la Vida.” If […]

  • An Open Letter to My Cat.

    Dear Cal, Are we currently starring in some kind of romantic comedy together? Or are you planning on auditioning for a Will Ferrell movie or something? Because our time together lately, if montaged with a kicky Katrina and the Waves song in the background, looks like something Touchtone Pictures would proudly present. Maybe you’re mad […]

  • Dear Dad,

    I can’t believe it’s been five years and three days since you died. Five years. So much has happened that you’ve missed, much of it things you told me you knew you were going to miss. You were like an oracle in that hospital bed, pointing at the television, telling me my name was going […]

  • maintenance

    Yesterday I made a list of people I needed to call to schedule appointments. At the top of the list: allergist. Mom called yesterday morning and said, “Have you seen the wheat doctor yet? I really want you to be able to eat bread again.” I think the next time I come to town, she’d […]

  • morning.

    morning.

    Goooood morning. I’m early for a meeting, and there’s wireless here. Yesterday I had a 9:00 meeting on the other side of town, which meant I left at 7:30 and still was a few minutes late. This morning I have an 8:00 meeting, so I left the house at 6:30. I’m here almost a full […]

  • a lovely addition for a mantle.

    a lovely addition for a mantle.

    One year ago, we looked like this: And now look at Miss Liz Feldman: That’s an Emmy, bitches!

  • good morning.

    Dear Neighbor Of Mine Who Recently Bought a Rooster: Why?

  • I’m such an asshole.

    Here is my public apology. Dear stee and Dan, I resisted looking up the rules, because once stee was so adamant that I was wrong, I started to realize that my fifteen-year old recollection of the nuances of scoring pool might be a bit… off. But I couldn’t resist Wonder Killing myself.