my archived heart.

Looking through a high school yearbook from 1991. Turns out I was quoted on the “Valentine’s Day” page.

Of course, if you happened to be in the unfortunate position of being, well, unattached, then Valentine’s Day can be a little depressing. Pam Ribon describes the occasion this way: “Valentine’s Day is a cess-pool of a black and disgusting wasteland and a paganistic ritual that only ends up smashing my heart into a bloody, massive pulp. Happy Valentine’s Day!”

— Katy High School Yearbook, ’91. ([sic] x a million)

I suppose this could be considered my very first Valentine Poem. I must have been a blast to hang around back then, huh?

The Tenth Annual Valentine’s Day Poems

The Secret of Our Success
1. He never makes me see him pee.
2. I never let him see me do yoga in shorts.
That’s it!


Do you still love me?
Do you still love me?
Do you still love me?
Do you still love me when I’m sitting on this couch instead of that one? Do you still (one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, belgium) love me when I’m wearing blue socks instead of green? Because the first day you told me you loved me, I was wearing green socks, so I always wear them, but this pair got washed with something weird, because my stupid ROOMMATE touched my THINGS which he’s NOT SUPPOSED TO DO and now it’s kind of more blue than green and I’m pretty sure that means you will not love me anymore, even if you wanted to and also there’s an earthquake coming.


i’m lousy at cleaning.
(i always skip the floors.)
i’m lousy at plant maintenance.
(everything i touch seems to die.)
i’m terrible at not singing really loudly in the car.
(but the song’s so good!)
my hair is usually more in the state of “coping” than “thriving.”
i bite my nails. i have weathered feet.
sometimes i forget there’s a litter box in this place.
if that’s not too annoying…
i promise to love you with all of my heart
every day
and make sure you laugh every day
and go to sleep safe every night.
and i’ll even overlook all those weird things you do or don’t do.
like, how you …
you know, i’m not even going to say it here.
no, really. that’s how much i love you.
no matter how much you want me to tell you, i won’t say what i was about to say.
happy valentine’s day.


Valentine To an Extreme Crush Who Has No Idea You Are Interested
MSG: Hey, kiddo.


(found taped to a storefront in Los Angeles.)


I wanted to get you a bunny for Valentine’s Day.
That’s cute, right?
A little bunny, all hopping around and being cute?
And I remember you saying you always wanted one when you were little,
but your mom wouldn’t let you.
But apparently other people had the same idea, because the pet store was all out.
I drove around Los Angeles until I found a place that sold live rabbits.
It was in Chinatown.
I can’t stop crying.


Did you remember to lock the back door?
Before we left, did you remember to lock the back door?
I think… I think maybe it’s unlocked.
I don’t know, either I left it unlocked, or you unlocked it after I locked it.
Don’t get like that, it’s possible you unlocked it.
I mean, you have unlocked a door before, haven’t you?
So it’s possible that at some point you might have unlocked the back door before we came here.
Just say I’m right. Just say it.
I am not raising my voice, and people are not staring.
You wanna ruin Valentine’s Day?
That’s just fine.
We’ll stay here, and have this fancy dinner at this really expensive restaurant and when we go home all of our things will have been stolen out the back door.
So let’s have a toast! To our robbers!
No, seriously. Did you remember to lock the back door?
Are you sure you didn’t unlock it when you meant to lock it?
I could call Jim and have him go over and look.
It’ll only take a minute!
No, you know, I’m just… I’m gonna call Jim.
Oh, he’s not busy. That dude hasn’t had a girlfriend in three years. Not as long as he drives that scooter.
I am not going outside to use the phone. By the time I get out there I’d have already talked to–
Jim lost five hundred bucks on that game last night.
Where are you going? Are you crying?
Baby, wait!


Post-Strike Valentine
I’m very sorry, but I think I will be missing dinner tonight. Hope you didn’t make too big of plans. I’m just swamped now and I’ve got a notes meeting and I think they want to shoot this before the end of the month which is just stupid and I might have to sleep in my office. I don’t even know if you’re checking your email or already left for your hair appointment. But if you get this: PLEASE don’t forget to TiVo Lost!!!! Ur the best! (PS: Still support the WGA? (I got you an internet residual for valentine’s day.))


Love is a choice.
I fully believe that.
Also, I think it’s controlled by the same part of the brain that makes you actively choose to pretend you don’t know how the stove works.
Choose wisely.


Oh, you wanted a Valentine?
No, it’s just…
I thought you were better than that.
Like, I thought you were confident and strong and didn’t need some corporate bullshit proof that you’re special to someone.
Oh, so now you’re not going to talk to me?
What do you mean, you don’t believe me?
Okay, I’m broke!
Damn, woman.


there’s a floor tile
in the kitchen
just past the refrigerator.
that is where i am dancing.
tippie-toed, fists clenched, eyes shut tight.
i am dancing
for you
in honor of you
because of you
Happy Valentine’s Day.


No, no, no, no, no.
Baby, that’s not what I said.
I said I’m Passion-Aggressive.
You better believe there’s such a thing.
That means I’m gonna kiss the lips off your face.
Off your face, lady!
Ain’t no pill gonna fix that, because there’s nothing wrong with it.
Passion-Aggression. All up on my lap.
Come here, sweetheart. You look good.
You buy those for me?
You look good in them.
Ooop. Sorry, I didn’t realize they were so sensitive.
Did I break that? Oh, man.
How much?
Three hundred dollars!
Then they shouldn’t fall apart when I pull at them a little.
I guess they don’t make panties that can handle my passion aggression.
That’s okay. I like you better naked.
Is it Valentine’s Day or something? Man, you are on fire.


I first heard about you in Texas.
I wasn’t impressed.
To be completely honest, the thought of you made me gag.
But I decided to be brave.
That first time was a complete failure. On all levels.
I did not speak highly of you.
I believe I called you “gross.”
Years passed.
Things changed.
I changed.
We tried again.
I was introduced to you by a man who thought I’d like you.
He was right.
Sweet heaven.
And I quickly became addicted.
I have no idea how much money I’ve spent on you over the years.
How much time.
How many different ways we’ve done it.
Hand. Roll. Smothered.
I thought we’d be together forever.
(I still do.)
But lately you’ve been on the news. Making a name for yourself.
A bad name.
Apparently, you are loaded with toxic chemicals.
Every time you touch my mouth, you kill me, just a bit more.
You are turning me into a thermometer.
Turning my ovaries into giant nickels.
I can blame you for my crazy.
But still.
But still.
Lovely sushi.
Oh, sashimi.
Ahi, Toro, Maguro, hai!
Watashi wa anata o hontooni aishite imasu.


is the only word left to say.
…So how come you keep talking after you said it?
Like, a lot. Like, a lot a lot!
I think you wanted to drag it out until today so that you could get a present.
That’s pretty crafty.
So I got you this mini Nano.
It’s pink.
Now, BYE.


Thanks for ten great years of sharing Valentine’s Day with me.

The Ninth Annual Valentine’s Day Poems

You know what happens when you have to write something for the ninth time, which means it’s not quite the tenth, so it isn’t as exciting and spectacular, and it all kind of snuck up on you because you were taking some much-needed time away from the internet, because sometimes you’ve got a lot of shit on your plate… which is a really gross image (and sorry), but like, you just don’t know what to do? Well, what happens is, y’all get a clip show.

CLIP SHOW! YAY! Continue reading


I can’t say I wish I had more time to write here, because I’m pretty happy with what is keeping me so busy right now. But it’d be nice to have more time here to write down what life has been like, mostly for me to have later (because this is supposed to be a diary, after all). I’m back at work on the Oxygen show for a few weeks, doing rewrite work on the pilot, and that has been much more fun than I could have predicted. I’m finishing a recap. I’m finishing the latest draft of the WGAW screenplay. I’m working on the book revisions. And in a couple of days I leave for Aspen. Continue reading


I can’t say I wish I had more time to write here, because I’m pretty happy with what is keeping me so busy right now. But it’d be nice to have more time here to write down what life has been like, mostly for me to have later (because this is supposed to be a diary, after all). I’m back at work on the Oxygen show for a few weeks, doing rewrite work on the pilot, and that has been much more fun than I could have predicted. I’m finishing a recap. I’m finishing the latest draft of the WGAW screenplay. I’m working on the book revisions. And in a couple of days I leave for Aspen. Continue reading

The 4th Annual Valentine’s Day Squishy Entry

Happy Valentine’s Day.
Every year I say it.
And every year I resent it just a bit less.

I guess you’re finally growing on me, sweetie.


I’ve been saving up
For this night
For such a long time.
I made reservations
at that place
the place we call “ours”
the one we claimed a long time ago.

I made sure
they put us
at a table
where the moonlight
hung just perfectly
between our two heads
so we could lean in
and whisper
how much we were in love.

I bought you flowers
from that little shop you like
where they enclose little candies
inside the petals.
I ordered yours special
three months ago.

So when you look at me
like that
with that look on your face
because I haven’t gotten around
to saying how pretty your new dress is
I’m just a tad bit unsympathic.

I mean, chill, bitch. You know?


You wrote me a song?
For the guitar?
Oh, my.
You didn’t have to do that.
No, it’s just… do you know how to play the guitar?
Oh. You learned for this song.
No, I’m not laughing, there’s just…
something stuck in my teeth.
Sorry. You were going to play the song.
Okay. I’m ready now.
Wait. Did you start, or are you tuning the strings?
I’m sorry. Go ahead. Sorry.
Wait. Are you singing? Are you hurt?
Are you okay?
Where are you going?
I’m sorry! It’s really a cute song!
I can’t wait to finish hearing it!


uhh….the girl… with the eye patch….
KIM! That was the girl with the patch. Kim. Sorry.
i can’t believe I forgot Kim. That’s so stupid.
she’s the one that used to do that thing with her…
i said catherine…
and sadie.

So, you’re like, thirty-two. Thirty-three?
to be safe, we should just round up to forty.
Because now that I think about it,
There might be two Kim’s
And the odds are there was more than one
So, yeah.
You’re like, forty-one.
My forty-first.

The big four-one.
But you know you’re first in my heart, right baby?
Happy Valentines Day, baby.


Happy Valentine’s Day.
I want to break up.
Just kidding.
Not really.
I am.
shit, you should see the look on your face.
I’m funny.


I can’t look at you
when you do that.
that thing you’re doing
with your hips
and that look
in your eyes.

You love me so much
I get scared sometimes.

And it’s more than just
that bouncing thing you do
when you once hurt my leg.

Just sometimes you drool on me.
And I’m still nervous about that time
you cracked your forehead on my headboard.

we spent like, nine hours at the emergency room.

Look, you’re just going to have to calm down.
For just a few seconds.
Enough for me to take off my panties, okay?
Jeez, you act like I never let you do it.

We do it all the time.
Just wait a second. Wait! WAIT! OW!
No, you just, you ripped out some of my hair.
No, not on my head.
God, forget it.
Just go. GO! GO! Do it quickly!

Happy Valentines Day, sweet tard.


dear mariah,

we left a big bag of money for you

outside your door.

go buy your skank ass some more clothes

and we’ll call it even.

you’re in our hearts

just not our catalog anymore.

love, virgin


Did you see that guy?
Oh, my God.
He was gorgeous.
He looked like how you used to look.
You know, when we first met?
Before we both just went to shit?

Aw, baby, don’t look at me like that. You know I love you.
You’re my big fat sweetheart.
Here’s some candy.
Can I have the peanut ones?


i leave him tiny letters that i’m not sure if he really reads. i don’t know if he’s ignoring them on purpose or if i’m not leaving them in a place where he can find them. one time i tried to move the letter closer, and he moved in his sleep and i was afraid he might wake up and get angry. i think it’s not a good idea to make him angry. then when i can’t sleep, sometimes i just think about him and i wonder if he thinks about me where he is all far away, unable to see me, unable to hold me, unable to tell me that he loves me. and then sometimes i realize how being in love with a lion is hard. he probably can’t even read. i wish i wasn’t just a twelve-year old girl. lions totally rule.


winona ryder

stole my heart

and pleaded not guilty.


No, I didn’t forget
Valentine’s Day.
I just wanted it to be special
for you.
for us, baby.
so, I wanted it to be on Friday
so we were the only people celebrating our love.
I swear, I totally didn’t forget.
Now, hypothetically speaking, what’s your bra size?


i know.
hey, that thing…
yeah, ‘s cool.
yeah, thanks for your thing, too.
yeah, yeah.
see you fifth period?
oh, yeah.
i’m gonna stick my tongue down your throat real fast first.
cool. just make sure mrs. kleiner sees us.
high school rules.


She knows
what she wants
how she wants it
and when.

She takes no shit.
From anyone
at anytime.

She’s good with her hands.
and her mind is incredible.
She thinks of things that nobody thought of before.
It’s like she just knows the right answer
before the question has been asked.
It’s enough to get you drunk off of her mind,
the energy around her when she’s working.

She’s got this way
where she gets so angry
when things aren’t going
according to “the plan.”
when it’s my fault,
man that’s the best day ever
because she yells at me for like,
a good three hours or so.
Calls me all kinds of names.
One time she called me a shithead
and it was like she was licking the back of my knee.
So weak from her power, her passion, her intensity.
So weak from the way she barks and orders and demands.

If loving Martha Stewart is wrong, I don’t ever want to be right.


if i had most of a sandwich
and you were hungry
i would give you all of my sandwich
and I’d only ask for one
not because i want more food
but because i want to make sure
some of my spit gets on the bread
so when you take a bite
it would be like kissing me
god, i love you so much
i’m so sleeping next to you during nap time.


last year it was “i’ve never loved anyone the way i love you.
thank you for everything. for everything that will be.”

this year it’s “to you, from me.”

we’ve gone wrong, somewhere, i think.


j’atime, mon amor.
j’sui c’est no pas?
mon petit chou-shou. Oui?
(Dammit. This is hard.)
C’est un stylo?
Oui. C’est un stylo.
Thomas Sorel boit toujours du thé.
Voici le livre. Il est petit.

I copy out of Beginner’s French textbooks
to show you how much I’m in love,
mon amor, mi amor, that’s amore.
happy valentine’s day, cherry amore.