scene from a bachelorette party

[scripty]
ALEX
So, um, pamie. How are you holding up? …You know, with the whole Johnny Depp thing.

PAMIE
What? WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?

ALEX
Oh. I thought you would have known. His kid is sick.

PAMIE
Really? Which one?

ALEX
I… well, I didn’t know he had more than one.

PAMIE
HE HAS TWO.

ALEX
Okay. The one with the weird name.

PAMIE
Lily Rose? What’s wrong?

ALEX
I guess she got a cut? And it got infected?

PAMIE
Is it staph or sepsis?

ALEX
Um…

PAMIE
STAPH OR SEPSIS?

ALEX
Jesus! I don’t know. Ask Katey. She probably knows.
[/scripty]

[Katey is the only person I’ve ever known whose dedication to All Things Depp rivals mine.]

[scripty]
PAMIE
Katey! Katey! How’s Lily Rose?

KATEY
She’s fine. She’s okay.

PAMIE
Good. Hey, do you know about the movie that’s so good that I haven’t been able to sleep since I found out about it?

KATEY
I can’t wait to find out.

PAMIE
It doesn’t exist yet, but when I tell you about it, you’re never going to sleep again.

KATEY
Tell me.

PAMIE
Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are doing Wuthering Heights.

[A moment of silence as four women lose their breath.]

KATEY
That’s…

PAMIE
I know. I know!

KATEY
Oh. Oh, my God.

LIZ
I just… God, I want to fuck that movie so hard.

PAMIE
I know! I want that movie inside of me.

KATEY
I so need that movie in me.

PAMIE
Right now. In me. Right here. I want that movie on my face. I want that movie screaming my name.

LIZ
Oh, my God. That is a seriously hot movie.

PAMIE
Even if it sucks, it’s going to be SO AWESOME.

LIZ
I want to bend that movie over and just… oh, man!

KATEY
Why isn’t everybody talking about this all the time?

JESSICA
You know what would make that movie better? If they switched the roles. If Angelina Jolie played Heathcliff–

PAMIE
Oh, Jessica. Oh, my God. That’s the best idea of all time!

JESSICA
Because she’s so masculine and hot, and Johnny would be so feminine as Cathy! So hot!

PAMIE
I can’t handle how hot this is! Call them! Call them now and make it happen! It’s the best idea ever!

JESSICA
Post it on pamie.com! Get it out there in the universe!

LIZ
Use the power of The Secret! Make it happen!

PAMIE
Okay!
[/scripty]

Dear Aspen…

[readermail]
Dear Eddie Izzard,

Sorry I made an ass out of myself standing next to you on a staircase. See, Jessica really likes you, and I do, too, but I wanted her to see she was standing next to you. I’m sorry I kind of pushed her into you while you were trying to dial your cell phone. You looked like you were having a hard time acclimating while walking up the stairs. The stairs never get easier, do they? Heh-heh-heh. Anyway, YOU’RE AWESOME AND WOOOO! [Virtual flashing]

Tardedly,

-p
[/readermail]

[readermail]
Dear Snow,

How come you don’t come out to Los Angeles? I think you’d really like it here. We’ve got lots to do, and there are plenty of things for you to cover. Think of the traffic jams you could cause! Also, you’d do really well out here: you’re white.

Let me know when you’ve got a headshot,

-p
[/readermail]

Continue reading

up in aspen

In the corner of this condo, by the couches, we have found wireless.

I do not recommend trying to carry a stack of wood and two bags of groceries five blocks, in the snow, in the dark, by yourself. What seemed like a good idea last night became one of the dumbest things I’ve ever attempted. It took twice as long to walk home, as I kept having to stop, put everything down, gain my breath again, and then try to carry all of those things — in gloves — while walking on an icy street. I am dumb. I’ve also never really experienced life with snow. Continue reading

so early, so late

You don’t have to check the time of this post. I’ll tell you. It’s four in the morning.

I’ve learned an important lesson. When you decide to drink more Diet Coke than you have in about a year, it’s best not to do it at eleven at night. I’ve been trying to fall asleep for over four hours. Continue reading

W is for Waiting and Writing… and Wedding… and Work… and Wow.

So here’s what it’s like, these days, to be me. It’s what it’s like to live this life, this place where each day is as unpredictable as the next.

This morning we planned our honeymoon around Sundance, because stee and Frank are finalists for the filmmaker’s lab. They won’t know until December 17th if they got in, but we knew if we scheduled the honeymoon at the same time as the lab, they’d be sure to get in. Also we couldn’t make it any later, because we’re waiting to hear what’s going to happen with the Oxygen show, as well as Stee’s own show he’s developing with the WB.

But we are GOING on our HONEYMOON. We’ve been looking forward to it since we got engaged — the possibility of several days of nothing to do, nowhere to go, no phone calls or deadlines. We’ve found a place that’s supposed to be incredibly isolated and quiet and beachy and I’m looking forward to living in my bikini for a few days.

Phone is ringing. Stee’s agent. Continue reading