Tag: I Can Never Be Cool

  • This just happened on my Facebook chat.

    This just happened on my Facebook chat.

    Tilda Whirl: TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT JON HAMM. Me: HE IS DREAMY AND WAS WEARING A SUIT AND AT ONE POINT WE MADE EYE CONTACT BEFORE HE POINTED BEHIND ME TOWARD THE BATHROOMS BECAUSE I GUESS HIS FRIEND HAD TO PEE.

  • Why I’m Missing Mindy Kaling’s Book Signing (More Proof I Can Never Be Cool)

    So I’ve had this cold. It’s been going on for over a week at this point, which is ridiculous. Listen, if I go through all the trouble to be responsible and get the flu shot before flu season, I shouldn’t be able to get sick for ten days straight with anything. I should get credit […]

  • Djörk

    Djörk

    I am headed to the Austin Film Festival tomorrow (click here for my panel info), and some of you who follow me on Twitter have already warned me to be careful since Johnny Depp will be there as well and there’s the potential for me to do something like that time I accidentally made an […]

  • Forces of Nature

    First: A Short Play to Demonstrate the Amount of Control Anna Beth Chao Has Over My Life [Two women sit 1736 miles away from each other. An unemployed blonde with absolutely nothing to do for months stares at her living room bookcase, picks up her cell phone and sends a text.] PAMIE: What if I […]

  • A thin line.

    “Good morning, America!” He says this to me every morning, usually as I’m passing him on my way out the door, while he unloads the power tools I’m trying to escape. “Good morning, Evidio.” “All this noise I’m making. I’m going to have to take you out to dinner to repay you.” He raises both […]

  • Tales From Fresh Meat: the time I almost died in Historic Filipinotown.

    Tales From Fresh Meat: the time I almost died in Historic Filipinotown.

    This is a reprint of an essay I sent to the Derby Dolls and Fresh Meat mailing lists back in early August. Back then, Helen Surly Frown didn’t have her awesome Derby name, so I’m putting it in here to protect the innocent. Allison? Well, she’s just stuck being outed with me. Razorslut posted many […]

  • cookie puss

    We had our first table read for season two yesterday. That’s a very exciting thing, being on a show that comes back for another year. But this second year is still the first year, and I kind of forgot how we went straight from season one to the strike to season one point five, to […]

  • i am so awesome.

    i am so awesome.

    Over the weekend I went to a party at a restaurant/nightclub/bar type thing. It had a wall of black mirrors when you walked in, which made the room — and the crowd — look twice its actual size. But I didn’t know that. So when I walked inside to the bar to get a drink, […]

  • Name Dropping… and Shattering.

    A criticism an old boyfriend used to give me (I’ll leave out his name so that it doesn’t look like I’m complaining) is that I go too far back in time to start my stories. “I ask you when did you return the video,” he’d say, “and you start with, ‘Back when I was six, […]