The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited: Episode Six

Section: If You Live In A Glass House, Don’t Throw Bricks About

When it’s discovered in about five years or so that I’ve suffered permanent, irreparable damage to my eardrums (and I mean more than the constant ringing I’ve heard since I was seventeen from concerts) because I spent way too many hours with my headphones on, it won’t be the music that will take the immediate blame.

It’s because of Ricky Gervais’ laughter piercing my head every time he finds something funny. It’s worth it, though. These guys make me laugh like a moron so often I’ve had to stop listening to the podcasts in public (although it made today’s treadmill miles fly by).

If you haven’t heard one of these yet (and you don’t need an iPod, Chris), you’re missing out.

I Love Tele… Jet Blue

Jet Blue.

I am the last person, I’m sure, to say this, but it’s true. Jet Blue. It’s the only way to fly. This is because it picks me up in practically my backyard and drops me off in New York City and the five hours between that time it spends distracting me so much I don’t even notice I’m flying. That’s very nice. It distracts me with the little map that tells me where my plane is, how fast it’s going and how high up we are. And then it distracts me with SO MANY CHANNELS. I’ve never been so happy to have cable. Continue reading

The Room

The Writers Room is empty.

I’m used to this certain sound when I sneak back here to check my cell phone or see if someone emailed — this sound of laughter bouncing down the hallway from the other end of the building, calling me back, letting me know that I just missed out on something funny. That sound isn’t going to happen again, and I hate that. Continue reading

written by…

Last Friday was a big day.

I arrived at the office early to write email. My phone rang. “Pam, you have a delivery.”

At the front desk, there’s a delivery of roses in all different colors. It’s beautiful. Suzanne says, “Now, I’ve had some experience with this. I really want these to be from your husband, but I know they’re from your agent.”

She’s right. Continue reading

Set List from a Sitcom Warmup Guy

Hour One

  • How U Folks Doin’?
  • Been 2 a Taping Before?
  • “And Clap”
  • Who’s Excited?
  • Promise of Candy and Pizza
  • Sitcom 101 (Not Funny Ha-Ha)
  • “Who Likes To (Party In Da House)?”
  • Say “Hey!” Say “Hey-HEY!”
  • Make Some Noize!!
  • Sitcom 101 (Continued) [NO JOKES]
  • Who Likes the Bible? / Who Writes Poetry? / Who Watches South Park? (Getting to Know You)
  • Random Trivia About the People You’re Staring At
  • “Marines In Da House!”/ Fire Safety 101
  • Where U From? (Stretch this out)
  • Name That Tune
  • Shake It, Don’t Break It
  • Sing-a-Long Like You’re Drunk
  • Candy Throw I
  • Make Some Noize (II)

Hour Two

  • (note: Turn hat sideways [ALWAYS FUNNY])
  • Awkward Silence As I Try to Figure Out What the Fuck Is Going On (Moving On?????)
  • Stalling 4 Pizza
  • Well-Timed Boob Joke [CHECK! I’M AWESOME. THANK YOU!]
  • Tossing Toys
  • “C’mon, Get Da Beat!”
  • Incomprehensible Side Trip
  • Holla For Pizza
  • “They Have To Shoot This Scene One More Time” [Hold For Groans]
  • Stalling 4 Pizza (II & III)
  • Act a Fool
  • Try to Start Clapping and Dancing / Remind Them to Laugh Louder
  • “Is This Show Blowing Up or What, My Friends?!”
  • Exhausted Sigh
  • Applaud Random Camera Guy For Being a Camera Guy

Hour Three

  • “Audrey Hepburn in Da House!!”
  • “These girls are so hot. Don’t they drive you crazy with how hot they are? I mean, GOD.”
  • Who Wants Tic-Tacs?!
  • “Give it up for that last joke, people! Give it up! Give it up!”
  • “Milkshake” Dance [BONUS: On old lady’s lap!!!]
  • I Think My Microphone Battery Might Be Dead
  • Testing / Testes
  • And We’re Back!

Hour Four

  • Who Wants a Snickers!?!
  • Ooh, I Almost Hit You In the Head With That Candy
  • “Let’s Give It Up For Those Guys, Huh?
  • Um… Uh… I Don’t Know… What’s Happening… Uh…
  • And Clap!
  • Hey, Say Hi To That Guy, Ladies and Gentlemen
  • Curtain Call 101 [Exhausted]
  • Remind People How To Clap
  • Woo! Woo! Woo!
  • Sing “Closing Time” To Empty Seats

Apoplex, Please!

Hey, here’s a bad idea: watching this week’s episode of Six Feet Underif you’ve ever had anyone in your life die. Jesus Christ, that was painful.

Work went late tonight. Had to cancel dinner plans. We’re officially in production now.

One of the things I do miss about my pre-television life is my lunch schedule. Every day the writing stopped at one (stee likes to keep things to a pretty tight schedule), and we sat for lunch with The Daily Show. Right now I have an episode on pause. I haven’t watched this show in what feels like months. The set is different. It’s different watching it late at night. I’m by myself. It’s just not the same. And for some reason, this pretty new redesign is much more intriguing than watching a week-old daily show episode with Joe Biden by myself on the couch. Continue reading

Dear Aspen…

Dear Eddie Izzard,

Sorry I made an ass out of myself standing next to you on a staircase. See, Jessica really likes you, and I do, too, but I wanted her to see she was standing next to you. I’m sorry I kind of pushed her into you while you were trying to dial your cell phone. You looked like you were having a hard time acclimating while walking up the stairs. The stairs never get easier, do they? Heh-heh-heh. Anyway, YOU’RE AWESOME AND WOOOO! [Virtual flashing]



Dear Snow,

How come you don’t come out to Los Angeles? I think you’d really like it here. We’ve got lots to do, and there are plenty of things for you to cover. Think of the traffic jams you could cause! Also, you’d do really well out here: you’re white.

Let me know when you’ve got a headshot,


Continue reading


I can’t say I wish I had more time to write here, because I’m pretty happy with what is keeping me so busy right now. But it’d be nice to have more time here to write down what life has been like, mostly for me to have later (because this is supposed to be a diary, after all). I’m back at work on the Oxygen show for a few weeks, doing rewrite work on the pilot, and that has been much more fun than I could have predicted. I’m finishing a recap. I’m finishing the latest draft of the WGAW screenplay. I’m working on the book revisions. And in a couple of days I leave for Aspen. Continue reading