chuy guest hosts
I started on my play.
The writer’s block is over. I will probably just erase everything I wrote yesterday and rewrite, since it just isn’t working…
but I think that today, I will turn the page over to Chuy, who will give a guest entry. Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuy!
Let me start by saying this: even though Pam and I are very good friends, (hell best friends) we are very different. I consider myself an artist and all, but I don’t write. I consider writing to be one of the most creative artistic forms (big leap dumbass, they know that). I say this because I stink at writing. So, as an apology to all those loyal Squishy readers, know that I’m too upset that I will not hear from Pam today, but from some dumb Mexican director-sometimes actor-college dropout-house husband. O.K. That’s out of the way.
Round about these parts, I am known as the most hateful person in the world. There is almost nothing that I haven’t hated at least once. I hate what “the kids” call “alternative” music. It has nothing in it that hasn’t been heard before and it really sucked before. I wish all alternative (which is really fuckin’ mainstream now) musicians would die, except my good friend Chuck and Bitter Chris (alternative drummers both). I really mean that. I don’t think that this type of music has contributed anything to society AT ALL. If I have to hear one more wuss whining about the fact that some girl left him I will explode. Have the balls to admit that you screwed up and move on. By the way, it was probably the whiny wussies fault. that being said, I’ll move on.
Right now I hate people who are for the impeachment of Clinton. I am not going to go any further on this because it’s just plain stupid that it’s even happening. Your an uninformed idiot if you think that this is a proper way of dealing with a president’s infidelity.
By now you have realized that I am going to assault or offend you in one way or another. If you have a problem with that, you should stop now. I always offend someone. Hopefully you’ll still like me anyway.
I hate Dallas Cowboy haters. I am a rabid Cowboys fan. As far back as I can remember I have watched the glorious silver and blue on Sundays and cheered them on with all the vehemence that my neighbors and wife would allow. The Cowboys as a whole are not evil. They were just under a microscope for several years because they were so damn good. People hate those on top. Go to any other NFL or NBA or NHL or MLB or WPHL team and you will find the same people. They will be doing drugs! OH MY GOD! Not drugs! As far as I’m concerned, when you’re a multi-millionaire from playing a sport you can afford a Cocaine habit. And don’t give me this crap about, “but teachers only make 2 dollars a day.” My parents are teachers. We were broke our entire lives. My dad is a bigger Cowboys fan than I am and he made 60 cents a day as a kid picking cotton. He’s not upset about the inaccuracy of it all, why should you be upset? If you don’t like sports, screw you. You suck!
I hate those damn packs of four people who walk in front of you at the mall at the speed of two steps per hour! I’m breathing down your fucking neck! MOVE! Old people excluded. I hate them for an entirely different reason that I’ll get to in a second. This is only being brought out because X-mas just ended and I’ve been a shoppin’. (I also hate people who get all uptight about using an “X” in X-mas, Fuck off!)
I hate old people who use being old as an excuse for their being the most rude people in the world. I come from a Mexican family that teaches you to respect your elders before they teach you to talk, but I hate rude people in general. (By the way, just because I hate a lot of things does not mean that I’m rude about it to people in public. This is an open forum and my rudidity does not count.) An old person can get away with saying things like, “You’re fatter than last time I saw you.” someone apologizes for them. Usually the offspring of this sagging mound of shit. “Mother! (to you) I’m sorry, she’s just old.” NO! She’s just fucking rude. I so much just want to say, “Well you know what she’s going to fucking die soon, so fuck your mother!”
I hate coffee shops. If I ever opened one, I would call it Psuedo-Bean because no one there would ever really be artistic or intelligent. If sitting for nine hours on a fourth hand couch while pretending to read Thoreau and sipping on a mocha-latte-chicken-fried-iced-cocoa makes you smart, then I want to be dumb! Fuck chess players with a rook! I’ve played chess and it’s fun, but there is no reason to be cocky and stupid about the fact that you play it well. What’s with all the damn board games that no one ever plays. I so want to go to one of those places and pull out the Twister while drinking my 40 oz. of Coors Light and yell, “all of you cocksuckers who know your fake, put your right hand on red.” They’d probably think it’s performance art and applaud me. Assholes…
I could go on for hours with this, but Pam has just accused me of writing an opus. I hate it when she does that. One last thing, I understand that these are sweeping generalizations. I live with the fact that I am judgmental. People tell me all the time. I just don’t give a shit, because in the words of that famous wife-beater, Bobby Brown, “It’s my Prerogative.” Love you guys and please keep reading Squishy. Pam works hard for you guys. I hate people who don’t appreciate what they’ve got. Don’t make me hate you…
So, if you happen to work for The Onion and would like Chuy to be a guest columnist, just let me know. Also you should know that even though Chuy hates a lot of things, he generally likes people. The people… not what the people like. He hates what they like, but he likes them for who they are. That’s why we love him. You can always have an argument with him and feel afterwards, “Well, he’s not budging. He’s pretty sure he’s right. But in my heart I know I’m righter.” We are so much better than everyone else.