trying to muscle some gumption and drive

So here I am at work, on a Saturday, pulling in an extra shift to have maximum fun on next week’s Vegas Vacation. It’s really slow here… I don’t know if anyone’s gotten a call yet. I mean, who’s working on the day after Christmas? But.. I forgot my cigarettes. So it’s going to be a slow couple of hours. I mean, I’m just sitting here in my office all alone, blasting Hole and drinking water… what would be perfect is a small cigarette break. But, alas! I will be sitting here at my desk for the next few hours in a nicking fit.

The show for tonight got canceled. The show that I came back from Houston for. The show that I rearranged my schedule at work for. Canceled due to lack of staffing at the bar. And the irony? We’re listed as one of the Chronicle’s “Best Bets” for the weekend. That’s lots of people going out to see a show that won’t be there. Damn.

My mother drove me back to Austin, since my dad drove me to Houston. She’s going to stay the evening.

If I don’t start that new play soon, someone’s gonna kill me. I just have to have it written by Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon at the very latest. The very, very latest. So after I’m through with this, perchance I shall start on that.

And I know why I don’t want to start on it… what if I fail? My plays and performances have won a Best of the Fest every year in some way or another at Fronterafest for the past three years. But after this non-Aspen thing, and this non-promotion thing, and this non-hearing-from the Mighty Kymm thing about the other play that she asked to read… I’m not sure if my quality of work is improving or declining. What if I write the ultimate stinker? And the Monks are doing this play, since we don’t have to be working on an Aspen show, and if it stinks they will be like, “Oh, great. At least I’m not totally wasting my time. Just killing my career bit by bit.” And then they don’t want to talk to me anymore and everyone knows me as the stinky not funny writer.

that would suck.

Oh, I’m antsy. Just a bit antsy. Maybe I could go take a quick break and go buy a pack of cigarettes. yeah, I could probably get away with going to do that.

But, since there’s only a few of us on the phone… oh I just checked.. I’m all by myself from four until seven. No smoke breaks, then…Wait… it’s me and another girl.. The two of us.

What am I bitching about? I just have another four hours left. Just sit tight and ride it out.

But, like I was saying, for some reason I can’t start my new play. I know exactly the story, how it begins, how it ends, everything. I even know who’s in it. But, I just haven’t started writing it down. That’s all I have to do! It’s a twenty minute play, how hard is that? I need to write it so I can start rewriting it. I need to write it so I can hear it and listen to how it sounds when it’s not just in my head.

But I just can’t. I’m afraid it will suck. In my head, it’s beautiful.

Same thing with the sketch ideas I have lately. In my head, they are funny. I feel that if I write them down they will become childish and overdone. “What if we make a cable access show with these two kids and they say funny shit?”

“Gee, Pam, is that Wayne’s World or that Goth Kids sketch?”

“Oh, yeah.”

So, I’ll probably just stay up late tomorrow night watching Mr. Show and thinking about how much I suck.

But tonight, I have my mother in town, who constantly reminds me how much I don’t suck, but she’s a talker, so I probably won’t get any writing done. Plus, who writes when they have company over? I’m not that rude. I wouldn’t… couldn’t do that.

So, I should be writing now. Right now. Not this, but that. Why is it so much easier to write this, and not that?

Because you guys don’t tell me when I suck.. You just keep it to yourselves. When I suck, I don’t get much mail. And that’s easily rationalized. (Oh, I guess a lot of people were busy today.)

Oh, I read Hotel New Hampshire. I wrote about it in the books section.

And now, as Madonna is telling me that she is a material girl, I am thinking about actually starting the new play. I think I will begin by outlining how I want it to go, and then maybe start on some character work. That usually gets the ball rolling.

I think I need a cheerleader.

Or a paycheck.

(got paid for the anime gig. All is well in Nevada soon.)