What Passes For Intelligent Conversation Around Here Lately

Posted by on Mar 21, 2013 · 12 Comments

MOM
I was playing with the baby and I can’t remember the toes song.

PAMIE
“This Little Piggy”?

MOM
Yeah.

PAMIE
Well, it’s not a song.

MOM
Fine, sure. But I said, “This little piggy went to market. But this little piggy didn’t go anywhere.”

PAMIE
Yeah, that’s not quite right. But he did stay home. And then one of them had roast beef, which now suddenly seems really weird.

MOM
Right? That’s weird.

PAMIE
Cannibalism.

MOM
…Pamie. Roast beef isn’t made from pigs.

PAMIE
… Right. Right, I knew that.

MOM
It’s still weird. And I don’t know where he ate it, because they didn’t say. So you’ve got This Little Piggy went to market, This Little Piggy–

PAMIE
–stayed home. This Little Piggy had roast beef, and This Little Piggy had none. Which doesn’t rhyme too well, but whatever.

MOM
And then the little pinkie toe piggy went wee-wee all over the place.

PAMIE
What?

MOM
That’s what I always pictured! This pig running around peeing all crazy, just running and peeing. Wee-wee, wee-wee, wee-wee all over the place. Hee-hee-hee-hee-heeeeee.

PAMIE
Not “all over the place.” He went home.

MOM
He’s still funny. Peeing and running.


If you ever want to cripple my mother with giggles, you only have to say the words “Lake Titicaca.” She recently learned that’s a real place, and she goes into giggle fits so strong she loses her breath and has to leave the room.

So, if you’re looking for an update, Qwerty is now three months old, and my mother just hit five. It’s very exciting around here. Mom really loves pointing out things she sees on walks, like flowers and trash cans, and Qwerty enjoys passing cars. They both go down for a good nap at least once a day, but Mom isn’t as good of an eater as Qwerty is. They both like singing and being awake at three in the morning. They both like it when I speak in funny voices, and they both generate a surprising amount of laundry.

Mom’s been here two months now. I think she likes it. She’s really living the life of someone who’s just moved to Los Angeles. She’s lost her phone, her keys twice, her laptop once, and got a parking ticket while staring at her car, watching them give her a parking ticket. She still insists that her Connecticut plates were being targeted, and that she had paid the meter. She’s gotten lost more times than I can remember, even when she only had to take a right and then a left (she insists I didn’t mention the left). She has her own apartment, which almost blew up the other day because the oven had two breaks in the gas line.

Yesterday she told me she’s pretty sure Qwerty must be getting sick of the taste of my breast milk.

I probably could’ve just used that last sentence in place of the entire update, as I think it sums up everything that’s been happening here quite well.

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12 Comments

  1. Paul Tabachneck
    March 21, 2013

    Love.

    Reply
  2. kristinmh
    March 21, 2013

    Breastfeeding feedback from your mom is the BEST. When my kid went thru a biting phase (~6 months) my mom’s advice was something like “I don’t know why you’re still breastfeeding in the first place!” Uh, thanks?

    Reply
  3. Marc
    March 21, 2013

    Thanks for the update cuz :p
    AND TELL AUNTIE i SAID……
    titicaca
    BWAHAHAHA

    Reply
    • Pamie
      March 21, 2013

      I did. She’s laughing now.

      Reply
  4. Marcia
    March 21, 2013

    I’m totally thinking of the Geico commercial with the little piggy going “Wheeeeee” all the way home :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uP-mDvLqMJM

    Reply
  5. Alexandra
    March 21, 2013

    Sounds like moments in heaven.

    So happy for you, mom, and Qwerty.

    Reply
  6. Michelle
    March 21, 2013

    Love your writing! You are so uniquely gifted.

    Reply
  7. Brianne
    March 21, 2013

    Aren’t moms the best sometimes? I’ve always thought my mom was Lorelei and I was Rory. A couple weeks ago, my husband eavesdropped on my Gilmore Girls watching and pointed out that my mother is Emily and I was Lorelei. (It was right after she implied I was a huge disappointment to her because we’re struggling with infertility.) It blew my mind and you might be the only person in the world who gets the reference.

    Love you and congrats with Qwerty.

    Reply
  8. Jen
    March 24, 2013

    Too funny! It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Love how your mom blames the CT plates for the tickets.

    Reply
  9. meadowgirl
    March 31, 2013

    LAKE TITICACA!!!!

    i always thought the Little Piggy story/rhyme was weird and suspect. yet another thing your mom & i have in common.

    i just never get lost or lose my stuff.

    Reply
  10. Lovelyn
    April 2, 2013

    I’ve never understood that little piggy thing. It just doesn’t make sense.

    Reply
  11. Theda
    April 12, 2013

    My favorite is Coxsackie, NY. It’s also a virus.

    Reply

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