two ladies from the past

[scripty]
AB
HellloooOOoooOOOoo?”

PAMIE
Hellloooooooo.

AB
So, this is the worst day ever.

PAMIE
I’m sorry.

AB
Cell phone broken. Internet broken. Husband out of town. No food. No wine. You’ve got a dead dog. Worst day ever.

PAMIE
Yeah, it’s not the best. And I think I’m getting a cold.

AB
I have no way of communicating with anyone in the outside world, other than this phone right here.

PAMIE
It’s like you’re a woman from the past.

AB
I wish I were a woman from the past. I might as well be.

PAMIE
Yeah, well. There are probably a lot of good things about us not being ladies in the past.

AB
Huh. Such as.

PAMIE
Like, we’d both be on these phones with long cords and we’d be up to our elbows in meatloaf fixings.
[/scripty]

[scripty]
AB
Ugh! I don’t know how to make meatloaf. I’ve never even had meatloaf!

PAMIE
I make an awesome meatloaf.

AB
Great.

PAMIE
No, really, I do. And these days it has to be Turkeyloaf, which is… you know… not the same.

AB
Well, then you can make meatloaf when you come here and visit.

PAMIE
Or I’ll make it when you move here and live with me. Which, by the way, Dan refers to as “There’s your sitcom.”

AB
It’s totally a sitcom. It’s a good sitcom.

PAMIE
I know. Where there’s meatloaf every night.

AB
Hold on. I got another call.

AB
Pa’am. My daughter.

PAMIE
Yes.

AB
I just had to have a “Come to Jesus” moment with her so she is nice to her grandmother. And by the way, you know what she’s now doing? Telling me what’s cute to wear. And who’s better at picking out outfits on this planet than me?

PAMIE
Nobody.

AB
I know what cute is.

PAMIE
Yes.

AB
And she’s all, “Uh, Mama? That’s not cute. That’s tacky. I’m not wearing that.” And Pa’am. It was totally cute.

PAMIE
I’m sure it was.

AB
Ugh! She’s just like you. Why are you laughing?

PAMIE
This really is my favorite age for your daughter.

AB
Not for me! It’s the worst! It’s the worst age! I hate it!

PAMIE
I love it.

AB
I can’t wait for her to turn fifteen so I can send her to live with you. It’s soon you know. Sooner than you think.

PAMIE
We are going to have the best time.

AB
“There’s Your Sitcom.”

PAMIE
You are so upset.

AB
I’m cut off from the outside world, my husband’s out of town, my daughter’s giving me a hard time and all I have in the world is this one phone! I’m a lady from the past! I have nothing to do but watch TV and clean my house.

PAMIE
Don’t forget to put on your 18-hour bra.

AB
Ha! I’m totally going to put on my 18-hour bra. I’m fixing to go vacuum in some heels.

PAMIE
My menstrual belt keeps riding up in back.

AB
Oh, God!

PAMIE
I think it has a broken latch. I’m waiting for my husband to let me drive the car so I can go down to Woolworth’s and get a new one.

AB
Down at the Five-and-Dime. Your husband isn’t going to let you drive the car. Are you crazy, woman? It’s almost dark outside. You can’t go driving anywhere in your condition. The condition of being a woman. From the past.

PAMIE
Don’t worry, dear. Just take a Mother’s Little Helper.

AB
I don’t even have THAT. I was looking at the drink cart? Empty.

PAMIE
And who made it that empty?

AB
Mmfph. Now I’ve got to go recap the rest of Studio 60. With my boyfriend Matthew Perry.

PAMIE
I bet he misses you.

AB
If only he knew he was my boyfriend.

PAMIE
That’s how I felt when I almost ran into Kyra Sedgwick with my car that day.

AB
I don’t know this story.

PAMIE
I’m sure I told it to you. The night before the Emmy’s? She walked in front of my car and I slammed on the breaks, and I almost killed her and then–

AB
…it sounds a little familiar.

PAMIE
She didn’t even thank me in her speech the next night. She almost didn’t win an Emmy if my reflexes weren’t cat-like. And stee was like, “You almost killed Kyra–” and I go, “SHUT UP! IF THAT’S KYRA SEDGWICK THEN GUESS WHO’S ABOUT TO WALK IN FRONT OF MY–”

AB
You are the only person in the world who would get that excited about Kevin Bacon walking in front of your car.

PAMIE
Yes. Yes, I know that. So. Kevin Bacon walked in front of my car, and he saw me and part of me really expected him to look at me with that moment of recognition. Because he was my imaginary boyfriend when I was ten, and we were totally boyfriend-girlfriend.

AB
“There’s Your Sitcom.”

PAMIE
I looked at him and thought, “We used to practice kissing on the back of my hand for hours, Kevin Bacon. And you’re looking at me like, ‘You almost fucking hit my wife, asshole.'”

AB
That’s why he’s your ex-imaginary boyfriend.

PAMIE
Yes. I guess it would have been difficult to explain to his wife why he once dated a ten-year old. Which reminds me: the only ex I really don’t have any lingering feelings for is Michael Jackson.

AB
Well. Yeah.

PAMIE
Even though I watched the Janet Jackson Oprah to hear any word on Michael.

AB
And? Did she say any words?

PAMIE
Not good words.

AB
Oh. Well, you know. He’s a freak.

PAMIE
I think we did it to him, though. You know.

AB
I know you do. But Paul McCartney’s crazy-famous, and he doesn’t have to live in the Middle East with little boys.

PAMIE
But he didn’t grow up famous. He waited on line for the dole in Liverpool and ate porridge.

AB
… Oh, my God! What did you just say? Really? He ate porridge!?

PAMIE
Well.

AB
You’re ridiculous.

PAMIE
Creative.

AB
Whatever. I have to go. My meatloaf’s burning and I’ve got to get my husband’s martini ready before I accidentally have my own thoughts.

PAMIE
Yes, I should go straighten the pillows and then slam my head against something heavy so I don’t feel anything at all that might be confusing or distracting to my chores.

AB
Good night, lady of the past.

PAMIE
Night, Retro AB. Say hi to Matthew Perry for me.

AB
Tell the back of your hand I said hello.
[/scripty]

20 thoughts on “two ladies from the past

  1. omg, comments! that’s so 90s of you. you finally got comments. i’m so happy. :) and i’m sorry AB has no technology, but what i really want to know is, why the hell was kyra sedgewick just walking out in front of your car, to begin with? you’re a responsible person, pamie.com. i can’t imagine you were messing around and almost hit kyra sedgewick for no reason, so what the hell was that irresponsible actress person doing just stepping out in front of your car so that you’re ex hand-kissy boyfriend shot you a dirty look? the nerve.

  2. Kyra Sedgwick didn’t win the Emmy this year, though. Mariska Hargitay did. So give Mrs. Bacon a pass on that — she didn’t ever GET to make a speech in which she could forget to thank you for not mowing her down.

  3. Pamie, I know how you feel about Kevin Bacon. I had the luck to meet Bruce Springsteen and shake his hand. I was shocked that he didn’t recognize the love we have shared all of these years. What is wrong with him?

  4. Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon have their NYC apartment in the building on my corner.I once got into a cab Kyra Sedgwick was getting out of. And you once almost ran her over. So how many degrees apart does this make us?

  5. I think if I had phone conversations as randomly awesome as this, I’d enjoy talking on the phone a lot more. All I get is random, no awesome.I’d recommend sending her BFF Greg Berlanti over to comfort her but Mr. Perry might get jealous.

  6. Did you get your meatloaf recipe out of the “Stop ERA Now” cookbook, Lady from the Past? Which you keep next to your scrip for Miltown?(That cookbook is real. My mom owns that cookbook. I told her I want it in her will.)

  7. I will never forget the moment my mother pulled one of those belts out in our upstairs bathroom and tried to get me to wear one. omg. never. even I knew enough from the commercials that women didnt wear those anymore.also. i read each one of those posts you linked to. I cant believe you had the balls to admit the Michael Jackson fantasies. Good Lord I had them too. I remember once my older cousin telling me Michael Jackson was black and I didnt understand. I think it was the nose that disoriented me as an 8 year old. I think I just thought he was really tan. After all I did watch a lot of Fantasy Island and those people were just as dark.Awesome post.

  8. When I was in high school, we went to my grandparent’s cabin in Colorado. While we were there, I got my period, hadn’t brought anything with me. My grandmother was all, “Oh don’t worry dear. Here’s some pads. Do you have your menstrual belt with you?” I had no idea what she was talking about. I swear those pads had been in the cabin since 1967. I used some toilet paper until we could hitch up the wagon and get into town.

  9. I hate talking on the phone. I get bored and distracted. I guess I just dont have the attention span… but I think that if you or AB called me? I would listen. I would be cackling hysterically the whole time, but I would listen. Hell, I’d be taking notes so I could run to the computer and post a FABULOUS blog entry! :)

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