you can tell i’m stressed when i’m asking more than i’m telling

It’s getting to be about that time in my life when I thought that I wouldn’t live in Austin anymore. I’m kinda going through some things right now, because I’ve been offered sort of a promotion at work, and I’m not sure I will take it.

It means training to be a higher-up than I am. And this isn’t what I wanted to do with my life. I’m worried that if I’m good at this, my other stuff will fall away, and I will never get to be the performer/writer that I originally intended to be. I’m worried that a good paycheck will cancel out my dreams.

I can tell that Eric is itching to move soon… it has fluctuated from the east coast to the west coast… a few months ago it was L.A. or San Francisco, but now I think he’s pretty set on New York. I just hate starting over again. I’ve started over so many times. I wanted to move to New York when I was asked to… when a theatre company wanted to hire me, or I got a part or a promotion and I was transferred there… I wanted to arrive in New York with something in my pocket…

but I think I will end up there with nothing and have to start over again.

I don’t know… it’s so easy to sit still and wait for things to happen, and complain when nothing happens.. but what if I leave and all my opportunities are left here in Austin and I blew it by going out there? Oh, I’m just playing a stupid “what if” game because I’m sitting at another crossroads in my life and it isn’t like when I was in college and I had a four-year plan and I knew what I needed to do to get where I wanted to go and how to do it and everything…

I just need to decide what I want and go and get it… well, I guess I know what I want.. I just don’t know where to get it…

Eric is bringing me lunch today here at work. That’s nice. Having lunch with him… I think he’s a little sensitive to me today, since I was a bit of a wreck last night trying to decide what to do about work and this Friday coming up and all, and he had just gotten back from a bar seeing his friend’s band and I was being all shruggy and weepy and not really talking to him about what’s going on.

I just know that he’s ready to go as soon as we can and I’m kinda hanging back because I don’t want to move without knowing that it’s going to be okay. And it’s impossible for me to have complete assurance that everything is going to be okay. I’m just so wishy-washy about the whole thing. I like Austin. I like performing with the Monks. What do I do next? Where do I go? What am I supposed to be doing?

I’m driving myself crazy here.

And there’s no one who can tell me what is best. My heart says just follow along where the paths take me… just keep doing what I’m doing and everything will work out okay.. but what if I’m not doing enough? In this business, it seems like you have to be ahead of the game, making yourself be where everything is, and not much is here in Austin… but the Monks may go to the Aspen Comedy Festival this year… and that will be another life changing experience.

Do I take the promotion and start learning new things to make me a more marketable technician, or do I shy away from it to ensure that I stay in this business that I love and not start relying on a better paycheck? Is it okay to be in debt for the rest of my life? Is it okay to only be a semi-starving artist? Who’s gonna want me? Where do I go now?

Questions, questions, questions… never an answer. Just more words on this screen telling me what I already know…

Last night I decided to make a hard copy of Squishy, so I printed out all the pages from the start… I had over 250 pages when I was done! I can’t believe so many of you have stuck with me this long and read from the beginning. I started this as a writing exercise to make sure that I wrote every day, and now it looks like I have written more than I ever thought I had, or ever would have if I was just following my old writing habits…

And that’s an accomplishment for me.

One goal at a time, baby. One goal at a time.