truth and consequences

Thursday night. My husband is screaming at the television screen: “Fuck you, Oprah. Fuck you!”

This is not good. This isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to handle. This goes against the core of me, and my instinct is to push him off the couch and make him stop bad-mouthing my Oprah. It’s like he looked at Dan and said, “I never liked your face.” It’s like he said Jollibee fucked my mom.

He’s upset. Lots of people are upset.

…About books. It’s fantastic. Continue reading

11/11: Make a Wish

Hmm… I think this episode might air a week later than this site thinks. I’ll keep you posted.

The point is:

My name will be on my TiVo…next to the word “Oprah.” It’s like every word I’ve ever written was all leading to this one moment. It’s very exciting.

Gayle is very nice and tall and pretty. This is the clip of conversation I thought you’d appreciate.

Love the “vagina” joke. Oprah and I were laughing about that.

Thank you so much for doing the show.

I made Oprah laugh.

Look at Pam’s face. I wish I had a camera.

Wow. Oprah really does make your wildest dreams come true.


Dear Pam,

I read with interest your entry on sports bras for the, um, chestally blessed on Friday. I found it very entertaining, despite screaming at the computer, “Pam, Oprah is not the boss of you!” But more disappointing than that was the fact that you neglected what might be the most interesting aspect of the Enell Sports Bra website. Despite their slogan, “Any Woman, Any Lifestyle!”, the good folks at Enell have expanded their product line beyond the torture device of your jogging nightmares.

I’m talking about the Enell Male Support Vest. From the website: “Many men have the need for a good support vest. If you are visiting this page, you may be one of them.”

I am not. I swear. My man chest is self-supporting, thank you very much (I know protesting makes it seem worse, like, “I just read it for the articles,” or “Some of my best friends are black!” but I want to be clear on this point). After careful consideration, I have decided this is the worst product in history to ever to need. Worse than adult diapers. Worse than headgear. Why? When you ladies head to the gym and strap yourself into the Enell, you can look at the small chested girls who hold, from a practical standpoint, a momentary advantage over you and say, “Yeah, you’re more comfortable now, but as soon as I get out of here I’ll once again unleash these puppies on the world, twisting the minds of weak-minded men like Obi-Wan on Moss Isley.”

Should I, or any other man, ever be caught wearing a vest designed to minimize my “bounce,” it would be bullet in the brain time. You’re done. Finished. Locker room towel snaps to the ass and furious wedgies would be the least of your problems. That it’s available in three fashionable colors and is made from a high tech wicking fabric doesn’t change that.

So maybe you should consider yourself lucky that all you did from wearing your Enell is nearly suffocate to death (which, by the way, would have made me quite sad and inspired feelings of guilt for not promptly returning your copy of “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs”). At least you weren’t committing social suicide. Remember, Pam, silver lining.

And Oprah is not the boss of you.


Bounce With Me, Bounce With Me.

I bought an Enell Sports Bra, because Oprah told me to. It arrived yesterday afternoon, and despite all better judgment, I decided to give it a test run. Literally.

It’s not a pretty bra, but with a little imagination, you can pretend you’re into some weird bondage stuff with it, because… well, because I’m pretty sure it’s an actual instrument of bondage. Twenty hook-and-eyes go along the front of it, which is easier said than done when you’re binding yourself into this Ace bandage with hooks, trying not to pinch your precious skin between your fingers, as you shove yourself into position. Once you’re all hooked up, it looks like you’re ready for some kind of cheesy Sci-Fi scene. The boobs are so flattened and frozen in position that you actually feel like the top half of a Barbie, only able to swivel from side to side at the waist. Continue reading

Dear Houston,

Tough year, huh? If you’re not getting slammed from the excellent Enron movie, there’s a documentary about how fat you are, or how you recruit kids for the war while they’re trying to order lunch. Your representative is a crazy person. Then you’ve got Oprah interviewing the lady who ran over her husband a few times, and to top it all off, every single highway in your city is currently undergoing construction, making it near impossible to leave the house. This is so you can’t talk to each other, and come to the logical consensus that it’s time to get the hell out of Houston for a few years. Continue reading

my new obsession is apparently also your obsession.

Okay, I saw Oprah in these and she looked good.  I’m nervous about buying something created by Nelly, but the man appreciates a tiny waist and a round thang in your face.
Anybody tried Apple Bottoms yet?  I’m thinking of ordering a pair.  Specifically, these

[edited to add: Those of you who were outraged about the sizes offered, note their sizing chart.  Their eight is our ten.  Note this oddly grammatically incorrect FAQ question, which shows their sizes run up to 14.  There are 12’s and 14’s on eBay.  Man, Nelly should be sending me a free pair.  Or a free purre.]

squishy revisited

So, here we are. One year later. Let me just get this out of the way first: I missed you, too. I missed you very much, actually. It was lonely without you around. After all those days spent complaining that you guys were too much to handle, I felt like a mom who had finally gotten all of her kids off to college. The house was empty and too quiet.

And like a mom who finally gets her wish come true, I got bummed out and watched too much Oprah. Continue reading

Being Catty

and I turn into Sally Struthers

I have an experiment for you.  Would you click this button?

It will give two cents to Squishy’s monthly bill. I recently noticed that I am almost at my limit on this page. Yesterday there were over 100,000 page views on this site, and it is pushing my monthly bill to its limit. With your two cents, I can continue to afford to have this page run every day. This little graphic is also at the bottom of the main entry page, so if you think about it in the future, clicking it would be a good thing. I might start adding it to the bottom of the entries. If you liked what you read that day, you can click the button.

Sort of like tipping the monkey for a good job. Good little monkey, no?

On to the funny stuff:

Continue reading