That Time Retta Called Me Out on Twitter (Further Adventures in Fan Face)

I need you to know that I have been working on keeping my Fan Face in check. The other day, Nick from Project Runway/Under the Gunn passed me on the street and said hello to the baby and I acted like he was a face I didn’t recognize. An elevator door opened to reveal Maya Rudolph standing right in front of me and — you guys — the fact that I did not immediately launch into an impression of her impression of Oprah shows you how much I’ve grown as a person who periodically goes outside.

But this is a story from before I had labelled my Fan Face. Back when it was so obvious my husband would just look away and go, “Damn, Ribon. You look like you’re taking a photograph of Marcia Gay Harden with your retinas. Either work on that, or go talk to her before we get on the plane. It’s getting creepy. …oh, you’re going to go talk to her? I’m going to go over here and not know you, then.”

Marcia was very sweet, even though she had an understandably protective lean decidedly away from me. I normally never go up to someone, but Marcia had talked to my acting class back when I was in college, and I wanted to thank her because it really stuck with me, and many of my friends from that year. Plus I was pregnant at the time, and that state of being apparently turned my “give a shit” meter all the way off.

That missing self-check mode made for all kinds of new experiences during the months I was pregnant. One that immediately comes to mind, one I just can’t seem to let go, involves another airport encounter.

Being pregnant makes you have to pee. All the time, a lot. This is probably not news to you. But it can make something as mundane as getting through airport security turn into a stakes-are-very-high situation inside your body. One time I was struggling through security check before a red-eye flight to New York, keeping my mind focused on the first finish line: the ladies room inside the United Lounge. There had been some delays, some traffic, some longer-than-expected lines, and by the time I reached the bathroom door, I was hunched over, inching my way to the stall.

I peed with great relief. I remember this. I remember a feeling of accomplishment that almost made me sleepy.

Afterward, while I was washing my hands, a woman stepped out of another stall. After a quick glance in the mirror, I thought, “That looks like Retta. But, Retta if she were not in makeup and wanting to sleep during this upcoming redeye.”

I tried not to Fan Face. After all, we were in a bathroom. Let the lady have her time.

Just after take-off I rushed to the airplane bathroom, as it had been almost a full forty-five minutes since I’d been allowed to pee. On the way back I saw that the woman I thought was Retta was sitting in the aisle in front of me. But now she was tucked in all cozy and asleep. Couldn’t be one hundred percent sure, sure as hell wasn’t going to ask her, nor inspect further.

After the flight, maybe-Retta was sitting near us, waiting on a taxi or shuttle or something. This is when I realized I knew the best way to find out if that was, in fact, Retta on my flight. Twitter. If she was on a plane to New York, surely she would have mentioned it.

Turns out Retta had tweeted just before her flight.

“Damn, lady in the United stall next to me. Why the orgasmic experience? #personaltime #keepmeoutofit”

So, you know, it’s not always just my face that ruins things.

7 thoughts on “That Time Retta Called Me Out on Twitter (Further Adventures in Fan Face)

  1. Ha! I needed this today. This laugh may have saved the lives of my 8th graders who are driving me crazy! I love them, I do, but zebras don’t hunt in packs no matter how much you argue with me about it.

  2. I think the last time you did this I mentioned scaring David Cross at the UCB Theatre — well, since then, I actually ran into him at a subway stop and introduced myself, passing him a copy of Here Goes Nothing. I then tried to retreat because I know how skittish he is about fans, and he tried instead to have an actual conversation with me — which was just not possible, because my entire body was involuntarily fanfacing.

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