In college Amy was a double major in HELL and CRAZY. This meant she never slept and was always on top of things. She is now about to be a doctor. Her husband, Kevin, is about to be a lawyer. And together they will own Texas in about seven years.
I hadn’t seen Faye in probably eight years. She is a woman with the sweetest voice and the dirtiest mind. I hadn’t had the chance to explain Faye to stee, so he was unprepared for the evening of the wedding as it unfolded. That does make this story even better. Her fiance Jason, also a lawyer, loves The WB and TWoP.
I was already emotional before I headed over to that wedding. It only got worse. As the doors opened, and Andi entered, I began weeping. Sobbing. Like Andi was my daughter, sobbing. stee held my hand and I just kept crying. Andi was getting married and Hamish is so great and she looked so happy and beautiful and I don’t know. I just lost it.
Amy turned to me. “Are you going to be okay?”
It was a Catholic wedding with Mass, so I had time to pull it together. That is, of course, until I stepped outside the church and saw Jeff. Then I bawled again. “Seriously, Pam. Pull it together,” someone said. “Jeez.”
There was a double-decker bus giving a tour of New York from the church to the reception area. Most of the guests were British (so they’re used to the double-decker bus?), and they quickly piled into the vehicle. We got to the top of the tour bus, and sat down. Stee saw how someone in the past had carved the word “Boring” into his armrest. We decided to give up our seats to people who hadn’t seen New York before. According to the invitation, the reception site was just three blocks away. We figured we’d stop in a pub for an hour and then head over to the reception. We talked Faye and Jason into skipping the tour with us. Jeff shook his head disapprovingly, and we headed off.
After our lovely hour of lovely conversation about Faye’s teaching career and Jason’s lawyer career, we decided to head toward the reception site. That’s when I got a phone message from Jeff.
“Pam. The invitations are wrong. The reception is actually at ___ and ____. You’ll have to take a cab. I don’t know where you are, but everybody is already here and now you’re late and maybe next time you shouldn’t leave a wedding in the middle of it, uh-HUH?”
We took a cab. We found the place. We looked fantastic.
This is before we started drinking the Kir Royals.
A few drinks later, Faye was performing her Muppet Blowjob. In public. It is a spectacle of hair and flinging. It is alarming and a little violent. It looks like Faye has turned into a floppy, bendy doll and the mortified man on the receiving end of her convulsion always has a priceless look on his face. Then the coat check guy saw us, so we stopped.
The Kir Royales had started working.
We were, of course, the table in the back, the one with the Bad Kids, the ones who weren’t British or Scottish. Someone was giving a toast. Everybody was laughing. Laugh, laugh, laugh — Faye turns to stee and mouths, “I’m going to rape you.” Stee has no idea how he’ll ever start breathing again. The quiet teacher he thought he had met was actually just like the rest of us — but better. He figured he didn’t understand her, that she must have said something else, like, “I’d like a crepe now.” But, no. Her fiance, who is clearly no stranger to Faye in public, deadpans, “Oh, is she telling people she’s going to rape them? Yeah, she does that.”
The Kir Royals were totally working.
I had some quiet time in the bathroom with Andi, talking about how beautiful her wedding was, apologizing in advance for the things we were going to do eventually. “As long as I see the pictures,” she said.
At the same time, Faye bounded into the other bathroom, thinking I was the only one in there. She shouted: “Where my bitch at?” I wasn’t there, but ten British ladies were. “Helll-OOOOOO!” (It never stops being funny to say “Hello” in the proper British lady accent. Never.)
stee wanted to capture the Muppet Blowjob on his cameraphone. We went out into the hallway of the building, somewhere by the elevators, to capture the event. We didn’t realize we were standing where the main bathrooms were. So as stee leaned against a table and Faye proceeded to fling her head towards his clothed crotch…
Hamish’s mother walked up.
Now it was all too funny. Amy and I crouched to the floor immediately, because that’s what you do when you want to hide but you can’t go anywhere. I don’t know where stee disappeared to, but he was gone. Only Faye, who can turn it on and off like a switch, was able to speak for the group. She pushed her hair back with a quick swipe and said, “Hello, Mrs. Robertson. My name is Faye. We’re friends of Andi’s from college. This is Pam and Amy and unfortunately they’re complete assholes.”
Amy and I couldn’t breathe. Hamish’s mother asks, “Are you the one getting married in Los Angeles on New Year’s Eve?”
Now I’m standing. “Yes, ma’am. Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Hamish is so looking forward to your wedding.”
“I’m getting married the week after,” Faye announced.
“I’m already married,” Amy said. She started laughing at that, much harder than Hamish’s mother could possibly understand.
“It’s really great to meet all y’all,” Faye said.
Hamish’s mother perked up. “You said ‘y’all’! That’s fantastic!”
We found a side room off the banquet hall, a fake office for reasons we didn’t really understand. But there was a chair and a lamp and the perfect setting for the Muppet Blowjob. (download)
If you watch this tiny cameraphone movie (that I took), you can see the Muppet Blowjob, which is also being filmed by Kevin, Amy’s husband, beside me. At a certain point the door next to me opened and the same coat check man peeked his head in. He looked at us for about two seconds and then shut the door. I then fell forward in hysterics (which is captured on Kevin’s tape, but not this one).
We showed the footage to Jeff, who shook his head with so much judgment. “Try to celebrate the love of Andi and Hamish.” But again Andi said, “Send me the pictures.”
Faye found us sitting on a couch. “I’M GOING TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE!” she shouted. “STAY STILL!”
Here it is.
I looked at stee. “You know, at our wedding it’s not one crazy table in a sea of normal people having a decent time. We only have one table of normal people.”
“It’s tables and tables of Muppet Blowjobs.”
“What have we done?”
“I don’t know.”
Chad entertained us all with his own mouth trick (download chad’s mouth/ faye’s evil)
We went dancing at the afterparty, where I saw more old friends from college. We drank a little, but the Bad Kids were starting to get tired, and some had flights in the morning. We hugged and said our goodbyes.
“You know, Pam,” Hamish said to me. “Monday morning when I wake up sad that this is all over, I get to be really happy. I have something to look forward to. We’re coming to your wedding, and I can’t wait. It’s going to be so beautiful.”
And then I started weeping again, and cried all over Andi, and stee dragged my blistered feet away before anybody wondered if I was in love with the bride.
Bravo, Teran-Robertsons. You know how to bring out the best in your fantastic friends.
The Complete Assholes