obligatory wedding stories (dan edition)


Dan: Hello?

Pam: It’s Pam.

Dan: My caller ID doesn’t disagree.

Pam: We’re going to see four florists tomorrow.

Dan: I have that thing tomorrow.

Pam: Yes. That’s right. Crap.

Dan: We’ll reschedule. I’ll call them. Is that okay?

Pam: I can’t talk to these people again. They do flowers. They do not do phones. Or tact. Or, in some cases, English.

Dan: It can’t be that bad.

Pam: It’s exactly eleven times worse.

Dan: Okay.

Pam: Watch out for the fourth one. I don’t even know if they’re a florist. I don’t know if we should go there. Ask for, I think, Ouisa.

Dan: Ouisa?

Pam: I think so.

Dan: I’ll see if we can do Sunday.

Pam: Okay.

Dan: Is it?

Pam: Yes.

Dan: Give me the numbers.

Pam: Check your email.

Dan: When are you going to do your recap?

Pam: Uh…

Dan: Hey, me too.

Pam: Call me back.

Dan: I’m calling you back.

[Dan, idiotically, decides to embark on calling all four florists, not realizing that Pam has already brilliantly scheduled all four of them in a row on Saturday morning, when Dan is completely free. He makes four phone calls, finds out some florists aren’t open on Sundays, and decides to leave the plan exactly as Pamie has planned it. This, however, is not before he calls Ouisa’s House Of Abbott And Costello Routine Flowers, where he has the following conversation]


Man: [speaking in an accent from Foreignia, the place where all the ambiguous foreigners live] Yes hello?

Dan: Oh, hi. Is, I think, Ouisa, available, please?

Man: Hello?

Dan: [louder, slightly patronizing] Hi, I’m…

Man: You are hello?

Dan: Sure. I am hello! Is there a Ouisa there?

Man: You are looking for buying of flowers?

Dan: My name is Dan. My friend Pamela spoke with someone there earlier. I’m the best bridesman’s, er, maid, something something, at her wedding on New Year’s Eve. I’m trying to change the time of an appointment she made with Ouisa.

[Dead silence.]

Dan: Hello?

Man: You are looking for buying of flowers?

Dan: I’m really just looking to speak with Ouisa.

Man: No.

Dan: No, you don’t understand or no there is no Ouisa or no I’m not allowed to speak with Ouisa?

Man: Ouisa?

Dan: Uh-huh.

Man: [with dawning, laughing, sunshine-y amusement of successful human communication] Oh, I see!

Dan: Yes! You see! Yes! Yes! Good!

Man: Ouisa!

Dan: Ouisa!

Man: Ouisa!

Dan: Yes! Yes! Ouisa! May I speak with her?

Man: Yes!

Dan: Okay.

Man: Yes. We take Visa. You come in. We take Visa.


Man: YES, YES! VISA! Thank you. Goodbye.


Man: Hello?

Dan: [whimpered] Please help.

Man: Visa?

[Silence, this time mine.]

Man: Hold on now.

[After a significant pause, a woman comes to the phone. She says hello, and I ask her if she is Ouisa. I think she says yes. I roll my eyes, but I’m too relieved to be mad. Yet.]

Dan: Hello, Ouisa. My name is Dan. You spoke earlier with my friend Pam, who is getting married on New Year’s Eve, and…

Ouisa (?): She placed order.

No, actually, she did not. She just made an appointment to come in and meet with you this Saturday, to discuss the possibility of you doing her arrangements for…

Ouisa (?): You are Darla?

Dan: Excuse me?

Ouisa (?): Darla place order. She give credit card. I speak to her for changes.

Dan: There is no Darla.

Ouisa (?): This is Darla?

Dan: I…

Ouisa (?): She make order. I speak to her.

Dan: I’m sorry to be difficult, but either this is a different order altogether, or you think Pamela is Darla and that she placed an order that she did not place with a credit card she did not use. Either way, you can talk to me, too.

Ouisa (?): Arrangements for wedding.

Dan: Yes. Yes, arrangements for wedding. We have an appointment on Saturday, and I wanted to see if we could come in on Sunday instead.

Ouisa (?): Saturday. You will come in on Saturday.

Dan: Are you open on Sunday?

Ouisa (?): Yes, yes. Saturday is day to come.

Dan: That’s when our appointment is, but would it be possible to…

Ouisa (?): All right. Goodbye.

Dan: Please don’t…


Dan: [in empty room, to no one] You are absolutely kidding me.


Pam: Hello?

Dan: Holy fucking crap.

Pam: Told you.

Dan: Yes.

Pam: How’s Ouisa doing?

Dan: We will never find out. We’re not going there.

Pam: I kind of thought the same thing.

Dan: In the good news column, they take Visa.

Pam: Sorry?

Dan: Later.

Pam: Did you change anything to Sunday?

Dan: No, we’re doing them all on Saturday.

Pam: Well, thanks for calling.

Dan: Yeah, that helped a bundle.

Pam: It’s an hour more time to recap.

Dan: It’s an hour more time to play video games.

Pam: I’ll make dinner.

Dan: I’ll bring beer.

Pam: Perfect.

Dan: I’ll see you later. And, Jesus.

Pam: Yup.

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