There’s no point in doing a Vegas recap because all I’d be saying is, “I like my friends,” over and over again. But Honey was worth the price of admission ($5.50) and then some. Terrible, terrible film made wonderful by the company of snark geniuses.

So, instead I’ll take a cue from Oprah, and give you a list of holiday goodies.

It’s Pamie’s Favorite Things!

Cue the snow, dancing, festive music. Women shrieking. Shrieking. Men hugging each other. Joy to the world.

Maybe you’re the more charitable person who’d like to give money in the name of someone instead of showering them in tangible corporate environment rapers, or whatever it is you’re calling “presents” these days. Well, Bitch Magazine is in the middle of their fund-raiser, and they need all the help they can get. Perhaps you’d like to donate a subscription to your local library. Or you can click the button on the far right of their homepage and give a tax-deductible donation to those hard-working ladies who don’t want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything sold, bought or processed. With a donation of $50 or more, you get stickers, Bitch Slap (a quarterly email dispatch from the Bitch HQ), a Bitch floaty pen, and your name printed in the magazine. That makes you almost famous! The perfect subscription for the girl in your life who doesn’t know she’s a feminist.

Newly-ringed Pineapple Girl has been fundraising for The Choice Project. Planned Parenthood offers Choice on Earth holiday cards. John Scalzi is still doing his Literacy Drive. And, as always, you can buy another book for the Oakland Public Library (go there to see my name misspelled as “Rison.” That’s quite a feat, isn’t it?). Make sure to let me know so I can add you to the donor list.

Want to coddle the hermit in your life? Netflix offers gift certificates. Now, I’ve never used the service myself, but that’s because the video store down the street from me does 99 cent rentals and usually has what I want in stock, but for those who only get Blockbuster or Hollywood Video as their choices, Netflix would at least offer some variety. Certificates available for as little as $19.95. Never leave the house from your hands to their eyes. That’s the Internet way.

I’ve mentioned The Soap, right? Just checking. The trial samples are back. Yay, stocking stuffers.

So maybe we aren’t wearing “Free Winona” shirts anymore. But now you can wear a “Free Michael” shirt, or be the most unpopular kid on the block with a “Free Kobe” shirt. It’s a store in Los Feliz (an arty LA neighborhood) that makes them, called Y-Que. (Pronounced: “eKay.”) Sorry about all the money you’re about to spend.

But I hoped you saved some for Glarkware. You guys– these shirts are so soft. And they are really well-made and I love them. And right now Glark’s doing free shipping when you order three shirts. And for stocking stuff, may I suggest the Movie Manners Cards. Glark gave me some the last time he was in town and everybody loves them. I also gave a few away during my book tour. Glarkware also offers the coolest in Tubey merch.

Book tour? Oh, right. There’s this little book that might make a good present if you’ve got someone who hasn’t read it yet. But how is that possible? Don’t you love me? Didn’t everyone you know already get a copy? Cult of Pam! Cult of Pam! Cult of Pam!

You want girlie? Try the Bust Boobtique.

You can’t go wrong with Delias, except their sizes run small, as they’re for girls and not those of us who covet the outfits, so order like you’re much larger than you are (trying on pants proved to be too much of an emotional experience for my sister recently. I stick to ordering their shirts, sweaters, and stretchy fabrics.)

For the adventure-loving bibliophile in your life, Bookcrossing is a great site. If you’re not familiar, it’s a place where you “release” a book into the wild and see where it goes. When I was a kid you put your contact information on a postcard and released a helium balloon and hoped for the best. After killing thousands of birds, people realized this would be a bit safer. You can look here to see what has happened to my book around the world. Bookcrossing offers all kinds of supplies at their store that you can buy for someone to get them started on their own Book Crossing journey.

“Journey.” I’ve turned into Oprah, y’all. If only I could give all of you free stuff.

There isn’t anything greater on this planet than dropping a bath bomb from Lush into your tub and sinking in with a good book. Okay, there are probably a few greater things, but man. That’s some good times. I called the San Francisco location to order a gift certificate for someone who lived in that area, and I didn’t have to pay more than a stamp for shipping. Keep that in mind when you want to order. They’re also currently offering free ground shipping for orders of $100 or more. You can easily spend that much on someone you love in there.

As a gift this year we received a box of Candinas Chocolates. Oh, man. It’s expensive, but arrives in such an impressive way that you can’t help but assume you are very fancy. Perfect for the person in your life who has to have a gift that costs a lot, but you have no idea what they like (or who they are). Good for bosses, in-laws, snobby ladies, and judgy princesses.

I probably miss this place about once a month. It’s called The Salt Lick. You can’t truly understand it if you’ve never been there, but I’ve directed many a quasi-celebrity that way when they go to Austin for a festival. Omar stayed over with Ray and me for a week once, and when he left he sent us this as a thank you. Omar now gets to stay anywhere in my house at any time for the rest of my life. Go there to order food that’s delivered to your door, merchandise for your heartsick Texan, or just a bottle of sauce if you’d like to try perfection in a container for yourself. Hook em.

Have I mentioned the Banana Republic gift card?

Oh, you like schmancier clothes than that? Then maybe it’s time to sign up for Billion Dollar Babes. You are about to love me so much. But if you buy a first look membership for you and a best friend, please send me a pretty purse, okay?

Okay. That has to cover just about everyone on your list. And now I’m hungry, wish I had nicer clothes, and want to sit around and knit something.

Happy holidays, everybody. Go make somebody smile.

Currently Reading:

  • Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. I still feel like I’m reading a new journal by a guy who’s pissed off that people never listen to him at parties.

Garner’s American Modern Usage.


  • Angels In America: Millennium Approaches and Perestroika. It was my Book Club pick this past month. I read Millennium my freshman year of college and it changed my entire perspective of what a play could be. It influenced my writing and my acting, and deeply inspired me. I saw both plays at the Alley Theatre in Houston the year Perestroika came out. You spent all day at the theatre, and between the two plays you had dinner at a nearby restaurant — with the cast. Once again it was an experience. Fear my crush on Kushner.
  • Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You: One Man, Seven Days, Twelve Televisions. Shout-out to Get Real. This guy did this experiment the same year that TWoP started. That was the best part about it.

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