It is not often that you are aware of an actual milestone in your life as it happens. But today my career hit a milestone, one I’m sure I’ll remember for a very long time.

Scott Thompson is doing my show.

Scott Thompson, from Kids in the Hall, thinks my show is awesome. He’s coming to see it this weekend, and he’s our Very Special Guest on Valentine’s Day. Scott Thomspon, whose sketches I would videotape and watch over and over. Scott Thomspon, who is so fucking funny I get sick and jealous at the same time. Scott Thompson, who’s so cool I just spelled his name incorrectly twice because I’m so excited.

I think I’m even freaking out. I’m trying to play it cool, but this is where I can come and totally dork out. So here goes: HOLY CRAP. THIS IS THE AWESOMEST THING.

And I’m pretty sure I was like, “You’ll do it? That’s super awesome. It’s so totally amazing you’re going to do the show. I’m more than thrilled. I’m so stoked. That’s awesome. Thank you.”

I’m sure he hung up and said, “Uh, I think I just signed on to do a show with a fifteen-year old girl.”

It’s going to be very difficult not to Farley all over him, but I’m going to do my best.

Scott Thompson’s doing my show. Not this Scott Thompson. This one.

A milestone. Certainly.

[db]

I saw 25th Hour last night, which I loved very much. But Spike Lee needs a director. He just needs someone who can occasionally go, “You should cut there. Right there, you already said that. Now you’re getting preachy. We got it ten minutes ago. No. That’s too Oliver Stone. You already did that in Crooklyn.” But I think Barry Pepper is amazing, and even though Edward Norton’s starting to repeat himself, I like that one guy he keeps playing. It’s a really beautiful movie, if a little over-emotional, but it has one of the best endings I’ve seen in a really long time.

[db]

overheard during Confessions of a Dangerous Mind…

[scripty]
GIRL
What did she just say?

GUY
“Nabokov.”

GIRL
Oh. Who’s that?

PAMIE
(Inappropriate guffaw of laughter)

Later…

GIRL
Oh, is that Chuck Barris? He’s real?
[/scripty]

Recent backstage conversation…

[scripty]
GIRL 1
I met Phillip Seymour Hoffman once.

PAMIE
Really?

GIRL 2
I heard he’s nice.

GIRL 1
Well, he asked me if I knew what time it was. So I told him. But then he kept standing there. Looking at me. Like he was waiting for me to say, “Oh, my God, I love you.”

GIRL 3
I love how you’re pretending you don’t know why he was still standing there. Isn’t she cute?

GIRL 1
What are you talking about? He was just standing there all weird and quiet, staring at me, and I’d already given him the time.

PAMIE
He thought you were hot. He was hoping you’d talk to him so he could ask you out.

GIRL 1
No, he didn’t.

PAMIE
Come on. Everybody thinks you’re hot.

GIRL 2
I mean, he walked up to you and asked for the time? Who does that? Don’t you know a line when you hear one?

GIRL 1
No, he honestly wanted the time.

GIRL 2
I bet. “And he was just standing there with his pants around his ankles, and I was like, ‘What do you want, Phillip Seymour Hoffman? It’s seven thirty!’”

PAMIE
“He was like, ‘Will you suck my dick? I’m Phillip Seymour Hoffman.’”

GIRL 2
So I’m sucking his dick on the subway and he’s still standing there like wants more, and I’m like, ‘I already gave you the time and sucked your dick. Do you still need me to say you’re a good actor?’”

GIRL 1
It was really weird, the way he was just standing around. But, no! He really just wanted the time.

GIRL 2
Oh, they all do, don’t they?

GIRL 1
Shut up, you guys.

PAMIE
“So, I went down on Phillip Seymour Hoffman on a subway, and he was really egotistical about it all. He totally wanted me to ask him for an autograph.”

GIRL 4
Did you just say Phillip Seymour Hoffman?

GIRL 1
Stop it!

PAMIE
He asked her the time once.

GIRL 2
Anything else you might have heard is probably just a rumor.

PAMIE
Started two minutes ago.

GIRL 4
No, I just love Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I think he’s so hot.

Awkward moment of silence…

PAMIE
No, we’re talking about Philllip Seymour Hoffman.

GIRL 4
Right. He’s so sexy.

PAMIE
Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

GIRL 4
Yep.

PAMIE
Phillip. Seymour. Hoffman.

GIRL 4
Hottie. Hottie. Hottie.

PAMIE
Not Dustin Hoffman. Shit, not even Abbie Hoffman.

GIRL 4
I think he’s so sexy.

PAMIE
That is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.

GIRL 2
Well, if he ever asks you for the time, you get to suck his dick.

GIRL 1
ENOUGH.

GIRL 5
Hey, does anybody know what time it is?
[/scripty]