WE MAKE LIST IZ GOOD.
HE SAY HI! HI! HI!
we the cats of squishy
who live with pamie and eric (big mew and little mew)
just foudn out we will be on big metal fly machine. WE DID NOT SAY OKAY TO MACHINE THING.
and none of you warn us. no send pounce. no love. we bite! we hiss! we very, very angry! taylor say mon dieu!
Meh. I cannot have zee Cal type too much. He iz hard to understand, no?
I TPE GOOD HA!
He iz like a chat room from 1994. So sorry, that. Listen, mah friends. Cal and I have been thinking. We are willing to get on zee big flying machine if some simple, very very simple demands are met.
FOOD FOOD NAP FOOD.
Ahem. We have made a list, and we think it is a very nice simple list that anyone could fulfill. If all of our demands are met by next Thursday, zen we got on zee plane, no problem. I might do zat thing where my legs stick out all stiff and you cannot stuff me in zee box, but that iz more of an instinct than anything else. But my heart will be in zee right place.
LITTLE MEW HOME SOON! SOON! HURRY HURRY HURRY I NEED TO JUMP.
Pamie will be home from zee bingo soon, so I should just state our claims as quickly as possible.
I FTP I FTP!
No, you do not do the uploading, stupid, stupid creature. Last time you completely ruined zee forum. Pamie cried for hours. People were emailing, children were screaming, I am not going through that again for you.
I PUSH BUTTONS HARD.
You push lots of buttons, you fool.
ED IS A GOOD SOLID NAME.
My Lord. Anyway, here is zee list of demands, written my Cal and yours truely. Ahem.
- Tuesday is Pounce Day. Both food bowls are to be filled with Pounce. No exceptions.
- Friday is Shrimp Fried Rice day. Do not feed me this straight from the bowl. I prefer to hunt it down from zee coffee table, and dump lots of rice every which way. Nummy.
- I WANT SOCKS FOR MY STUB.
- Yes, that’s a tail warmer for zee stubby one.
- I would like to be able to watch zee Maple Leafs game in peace. Not enough hockey is played in zis house, and quite frankly, I cannot stand zee Pittsburgh Steelers. Zey make Eric shout and run around and generally act like Cal. But zat is for another list.
- THUMBS. I WANT THUMBS.
- THUMBS ON MY HEAD. FOR POKING.
- I would like small green mice that are able to sing “Stray Cat Strut.”
- I WANT TO SEE AN NZYNC CONCERT.
- Oh, Cal. I’d love nothing more zan to say bye bye bye to you.
- THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU TAYLOR.
- Mon dieu. Zis list is ridiculous.
- JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
- Cal wants to be able to watch zee Jerry Springer in zee afternoons. I prefer watching Zee View, no?
- Our own remote control, with zee automatic feature set to zee Animal Planet.
- KITTY PORN!
- Yes, we like zee Big Cat Show. Ohhhhh. Zee Big Cat Show. Mmm.
- MILK ON SUNDAYS!
- Milk on Sundays, yes. We also want a fuzzy toy that rattles, and has a feather on zee end. No wires, please.
- WITH A PEN ON IT.
- No, no pen.
- PEN. AND A CIGARETTE WRAPPER STUCK TO IT.
- No, zeese are zee toys you like. I’m getting a toy for myzelf.
- A BALLED UP NAPKIN THAT SMELLS LIKE TACOS!
- I think maybe from now on you shall make your own list.
- Slen? You are making no sense to me.
- WALK ON KEYS! WALK ON KEYS!
- Yes, I suppose we would like to be able to walk on the keys every now and then without you fucking freaking out on us.
- You will be in so much trouble for that one, Cal. I am not taking credit.
- I EAT MORE SCREENS.
- Cal would like more screened windows to eat. I would like a larger section of carpet. Prefereably cleaned every once in a while.
- Yes, we want cheese.
- DONNY OSMOND.
- i don’t–
- TERRENCE TRENT D’ARBY AND SADE DO A DUETS ALBUM.
- Have you been eating zee soap again?
- I MAKE GREEN PICKTURES AND THEN I SING.
- I am going to have to nap soon.
- LIST LIST LIST LIST
- One can of Friskies every day.
- One autographed headshot of Parker Posey.
- Our own mini-fridge with water and cheese.
- A small bed that we never use but put spare fur on.
- A room for our Fight Club meetings.
- FIGHT FIGHT FI- YOU CAN NOT TALK ABOUT-
- shut up.
- We want to be driven out every once in a while.
- We wish you’d talk to us more. Ask us how our day was for a change.
- NOT STAY OUT SO LATE.
- Be a part of zis family that you wanted so badly.
- KEEP DOOR OPEN.
- Hug me when I put my head on your arm.
- DON’T KICK WHEN I BITE YOUR FEET.
- Sing me more songs.
- SING ME LESS SONGS.
- Let me watch you shower.
- KISS MY HEAD.
- Let us go on the balcony every once in a while.
- SAY I LOVE YOU.
- Say my name.
- SAY MY NAME.
- never put me in a sweater.
- Take out the trash before I have to eat it and make myself sick.
- DON’T CRY SO MUCH.
- Yeah, don’t cry so much. We’re gonna be okay, pamie.
- WE LOVE YOU.
- And Eric, too.
- WE BE GOOD.
- And I’m sure we’ll love being on a plane with Martinique and Weldon. They spoil us so. Martinique has zee sweet voice.
- WELDON GIVES ME CIGARETTES.
- And before you know it we’ll be back together again.
- I READ A BOOK ON CALIFIRONAI.
- You did?
- You can’t read.
- But you wanted to, yes?
- VERY MUCH. I LIKE SUN.
- Yeah, we’ll like it there, I think, Cal. Maybe you’ll see someone you know walking outside your window one day.
- MARLA GIBBS? MARLA GIBBS!
- Even better, my friend.
- WHO WHO WHO
- Gwen Stefani.
- I know.
- SHE JUMP LIKE ME.
- Yes, she does, Cal.
- OUR LIST DONE.
- I think so.
- ME LOVE YOU TAYLOR.
- Get off my butt, Cal. I will kill you.