iz me, taylor!
Well, zee autumn winds are in zee air. Which I HATE! I hate zee winds! Hate them! It does not matter what season they are representing, yes? I despise zee wind and wish that it would stay out of my home. It makes my fur rumple up and that takes a long time to lick down, no?
Pamie iz now home all day long and this is making me have to change my daily schedule. Sometimes she does not wake up for several hours after my feeding time. Zis iz unacceptable! Unacceptable! I had Cal bite zee shit out of her over and over until she started stirring just so. Zen I got on her cell phone and called zee house over and over, diguising my voice as “Veeeza.” She got very, very angry with zee Veeeza people and hung up. Who cares? It worked! I am fed! I am Taylor!
I don’t know what iz wrong with me lately. I have zis sudden need to be pet and loved lately and it goes against all of my principles, really. I do not want all of zee love, but suddenly I cannot help it. I keep curling up on Pamie’s lap. I want to say to her, “Do not get used to this, okay?” but I cannot let her know that I can talk just yet.
Yesterday I saw Cal jump from zee floor to over zee handle of zee screen door. Zis means Operation Porch iz almost complete. It will now be just a matter of days (and one brilliant afternoon if Pamie ever leaves zee couch) before we can chase all of the crickets our tiny little hearts desire! Ah, it will be splendid, no?
Mon dieu. Hey. It’s a litter box, not a scrapbook. Change zis fucker, okay? Thank you!
Oh, zee best part of pamie home all day long iz zee constant daytime television. I love daytime television. Ohhhh, love it so. Meh.
Agh. I waz just about to sit down for zee All My Children because someone just said to another, “You are gonna have to rebury me again,” and zee other guy said, “Hope you have your coffin picked out.” Iz this not brilliant writing? Genius! Pamie grumbled, threw something and changed zee channel again. She hates zee soap musicals. I, however, used to watch them every day when zee other creature first got here. She would leave zee television on so that it sounded like there were people in the house. It would confuse zee other creature long enough for me to see zee Regis, which I LOVE!
But yes, I love all of zee daytime television. I love zee Ricki, and I love zee Jerry and I love zee Maury, who must be French-Canadian like me with a name like zat, no? Mon dieu. Pamie is watching zee VH-1, and I cannot stand it. They mew on that channel worse than me or Cal. Toni Braxton sounds like this one little kitten I used to fancy back when I was living in a dumpster as a wee Taylor. She was so small and I thought she was composing love songs for me. Turns out her leg was trapped in a half-opened tuna can. Ah, yes. So whenever I hear zis Toni Braxton, I want to bite her leg off, just like I did for zee small calico that loved me many years ago.
I have had zis horrible taste in my mouth for about three days now. See, when zee stee was over pamie was showing him how much I like to chase zee red dot. Oh, I love zee red dot! It comes from zis tiny metal clinky chain thing and when pamie picks it up the red dot appears and I chase, chase, chase around zee house. She wanted me to show zee stee how I can catch zee red dot and eat it. So I pounced on zee red dot and took a giant bite out of zee carpet and ate zee red dot all up. She and stee laughed and laughed and laughed, even though I think such heroism should be rewarded, not mocked, yes? Anyway, she had me eat zee dot over and over and over until one time I got very, very excited and yanked a very large part of zee carpet out of the floor. Tiny carpet pieces went flying all around my whiskers and they scared me with zeir laughter. Anyway, I think that last big chunk of carpet was particularly nasty or something. You see, pamie has really let this place go to shit, as I know she’s getting ready for something. Zeir are boxes everywhere, which usually means things are coming in or going out. Last time I was carried from one place to the next, and this place is bigger than zee last, so I didn’t mind too much. I hope wherever the boxes are taking us has plenty of clean new carpet, because I sure don’t like the taste of zis one anymore. Meh. My tongue is just a bit numb on the end. I hope she is proud of herself. I am not a circus cat. Zat iz why she has zee Cal around here. Mon dieu.
Oh, it’s been fifteen minutes, so I’m already late for my nap. It iz nice and rainy outside, which always makes for perfect napping. You people be good, eh? Don’t eat out of zee plastic bowls. It iz not worth the acne, I tell you.