What do we do with all this independence?

Here’s the first problem. This holiday weekend started out really friggin’ shitty and just got kinda worse and has now mellowed out into this blah-thing that is impossible to care about, and not really like a vacation after all.

Jeff’s party was fun, but just sad. Very sad. Lots of tears and then we just wouldn’t let poor Jeff alone and we went and had breakfast and we didn’t technically say goodbye until seven in the morning, and then we drove home sobbing.

Saturday, the first day without Jeff, was hard for me. I didn’t feel like doing anything, but I had a show to do. Shows, in fact, as the last Monks show was that night as well. Rose came to the theatre and fixed my face. At least I looked like I was happy.

I don’t even know. It seems that my comedy troupe has moved on, and I had taken just enough time off to work on writing and such (and all of the travel I was doing this spring) that I’m now sorta out of the troupe. Someone mentioned a troupe party the other night and said that we were invited. “Even Pam?” one asked as a joke. But there it is. I stayed away just long enough that I’m not really in it anymore. If I quit, declared I was out, I probably wouldn’t have a “last show” show, since I hadn’t been performing in months.

I’m not angry about it, I think I’m just kind of sad. It was something that I was a part of, rather strongly, for some time, and there wasn’t a big, nasty break-up, and there wasn’t some sort of sad “I have to go,” it was like I just thought it would always be there, and instead, it faded away, changed, became something else, and moved on.

For some reason hearing the words “Jeff’s moving to New York” didn’t mean what they actually meant for the longest time. It wasn’t until we were alone for a moment that it really hit me. That I wasn’t going to see him again for a long time, and when I did, there would be other people in his life. People I don’t know. Those people were going to make him laugh and see movies with him, and maybe even talk about online journals with him.

So, in one weekend, I’m feeling like my life changed. My circle of friends will change, a bit, as we heal up the missing part from Jeff. As we decide who sees each other more or less now as a result. As we help each other out. As we all quietly miss the shit out of him. And I’ve lost my weekly gig. Every week I could just walk into that place and perform if I wanted to. Up to four times, if I felt like it. And now that’s gone. I didn’t live it up in its final moments. In fact, it snuck up on me. I thought we had an extra week. I was taking time for myself, and I lost the last of that place. I also didn’t get the opportunity to be involved in the new big project, so for me, it feels like I moved away, and when I come back to visit, sure I’m welcome, but it’s not the same.

I don’t always get all of the inside jokes anymore.

So, now, while everyone is sleeping, I’m going to try and get some work done, so that I don’t have to stay home today and work, like I did yesterday. Because for a few hours of each day this weekend, I’ve had to miss out on something, because I’ve been working. This morning I woke up early so I could try and get the work out of the way while everyone was asleep. Then I don’t miss anything. Then I get to be in the moment, here, while my friends are around.

Because I missed some moments over the past couple of weeks that I’d like to get the chance to try again. But I don’t. I can’t. So, I’m going to try and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Jeff’s party was hard for me because every once in a while a voice crept into my head: “You’re not going to be very good at your own party like this. Fuckin’ Christ, that’s going to be sad.”

So, there’s that.

There is also this:

Rose works with skin care. I was weak. Rose wanted to put creams on skin. She gives me this look sometimes that I know says, “Girlie, your skin ain’t going to stay nice if you don’t start doing things with it now while you still have the chance. Take care of it now and it won’t all go to shit in like, two years.”

So, I went to Rose’s salon, and now I’m a Doctor Hauschka girl.

Here’s the thing. From the first time I started using these products, I’ve noticed a difference in my skin. It glows. It smells good. The skin feels good, and for the most part, feels clean. I’m just starting to get the hang of the rose cream, which for the first two days made me feel like I was slimy. I was using too much. I’ve never used toner before in my life. I’m liking this stuff. People have commented on how my skin looks good. If other people notice, then this stuff must do something.

Here’s the thing, though. It’s like, six products. There’s a morning cleanser, a morning toner, a morning moisturizer, an evening cleanser, an evening toner, an after-bath oil, another facial moisturizer, and rules. Every product has rules and you have to put them on your face the right way or you’re just wasting everything.

Okay, second thing: I’m worried that this is going to be more expensive than I ever imagined. Rose gave me samples. I’m sure this is just like the drug dealer system, here, and if I stop using these products, my face will break out and I’ll get depressed and need the skin care stuff. Also, I think you can get addicted to the smell. Seriously, I really like the way this stuff smells.

Third… this is all taking much more time than my morning/evening routine used to be. Ready for the old way? Wash with Dove. Moisturize with Biore. Go.

Not anymore. There’s patting, and wiping, and rinsing, and blotting, and toning, and firming and all sorts of stuff. I haven’t even gone into the “eye area” or “lip area” stuff that will probably be more money and time.

The other day I was so happy to be done, that I forgot to put on lip gloss.

But, here’s the hard thing: I love little bottles and containers and things that smell good. I like going through a process to get things finished. So, this preys on my love of the small thing. That’s bad.

But my skin looks good. That’s good.

I don’t know what to do, really.

But I have to decide soon. I think I’m going to have to save up money if I’m going to keep with this skin-care routine.

I just don’t want any reason for Rose to tsk at me when my face falls in ten years.

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