sweating and waiting

not as sexy as it sounds.

First of all, I’m just not getting enough sleep. That’s the first important thing to note. The second is that I’m sitting in my office waiting for our new web redesign to launch. We’ve been working for what feels like forever, and now it’s the final few moments. I’m drinking a beer. The air conditioning has been turned off, since the office is closed. I’m sweating, listening to Howard Stern’s/Foo Fighter’s acoustic “Everlong.”

I am thinking about the amount of work I have to do when I get home. I’m thinking about how quickly the past few months have gone, when the beginning of the year seemed to just be achingly slow. I’m wondering how quickly it will be before it’s suddenly the fall, and I’m supposed to be packing and leaving. When am I going to do all of this?

I keep thinking about time passing and people changing and I’m wondering if I’m working too hard right now and I’m missing out on my final moments around here. What if I lift my head and everyone is gone?

I keep thinking about the new people in my life that feel like they’ve been here forever. I’ve made some very close friends over the past year, and ones that had faded away for some time have come back into my heart full-force. I love all of them, and I worry about them when they are far away from me. I worry about their hearts and their heads, and if they’re sleeping enough or eating enough, when the funny thing is they’d be tsking at me if they could see how I’ve been treating myself lately.

And sometimes I just think, “Hello. How did you get here? Have you been here long? Really? Cuz I swear we went to elementary school together.”

I’ve been downloading old mp3’s lately from songs I listened to in high school, or different versions of songs I’m very familiar with, and for some reason they all remind me of that time just after school when I would drive away. That quick time between classes and where you were going to study, or rehearse, when you didn’t have anything to do but lean back in this new exciting thing that you do– drive. Sometimes you had a friend with you. Sometimes you had five friends packed in the car, sitting in each other’s laps, laughing in each other’s ears, giggling and licking and shrieking, sitting closer than they have to, just to have the bodies touching, the sweat rubbing, the excitement of being young and not being at home. not being at a job. just being alive and maybe even in love and having this big vehicle that you call your own where you play your own music and drive how you want and maybe even prop one leg up on the seat and rest your elbow on your left knee with the window down and a cigarette dangling out of your left hand (you don’t smoke, but it doesn’t matter).

And right now feels like another graduation time. My friends are all preparing to move, or just move on, and start new things. Some are having babies. Some are packing their things and leaving town. Some are starting new jobs. Some have decided to stay where they are and keep things settled. Some are starting brand new adventures and are terrified. We all just seemed to look up one day and choose to move on.

It’s sad. It’s exciting. I’m sad. But hopeful. I’m hopeful. But very sad.

Some things, you don’t want to change.

I am Jack’s pathetic nostalgia.

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