looking for love, Pounce.
Bonjour, my good friends.
It iz me, Taylor. I am writing again to update you on zis holiday seazon here in my land. Perhaps you have been wondering how all of thiz holiday brouhaha haz been for me, yes?
Well, let me tell you zomething. I know zat zomewhere in zis house iz treats for me, no? I knew when zey were hidden on top of zee table, so I started rummaging through all of zee bags. I have an idea for zee Best Buy Idea Box: how about smaller bags, no? I got a little lost, and somehow it triggered pamie to know that I was on zee table, and she took zee bagz away from me.
Zen I found zem in zee clozet. I knew that she could not hide them from me for long. This time I knew I needed a better plan. I pushed Cal into zee closet and made it look like we were having a really, really big fight so zat pamie would just yell our names and clap her hands a lot and it would give me time to go into zee bags and find what sweet gifts I was getting for zee holiday.
But zee pamie, she is crafty, no? She came into zee closet to see why Cal was making those stupid shreiking girly-noises he constantly makes and she found me in zee bag with a most beautiful super-furry catnip mouse in my mouth. Meh. Just like that, she took zee bag from me again, and zis time I know it iz hidden up very, very high, and as much as we try to jump up there, we just cannot reach zee new hiding place. Meh.
I am a cat. I do not know what you people consider time to be. All I know iz I have been waiting for a very, very long time to get my Christmas toyz and zee wait iz becoming too much for me.
So, here iz my proposal. You people have been sending thingz to pamie’s house all zee time. I see that big green toy with all of zee little dangly toys that pamie leaves out for me. It iz a difficult toy to play with, because there is this big green rope with very bright shiny things on it that can tangle in your feet if you get too close to zee green toy. One time I tried to bite through zee green rope and I swear to you it made me jump about three feet in zee air, and I am a very stout kitty-cat, and cannot usually jump that high. I do not recommend chewing on zee green rope that protects zee green toy.
But I digress. Underneath this green toy have been lots of wrapped gifts, and none of them smell like things for me. I do not like CDs. I do not like videotapes. I do enjoy all of zee kitty Christmas cards, however. Oh, zee one with zee kitty’s pooping tinsel– let me tell you it iz funny cuz it’z true, no?
Anyway, I am tired of things piling up that are not for me, and I am tired of this Cal – Pih! – jumping on my butt all of zee time and making me very, very tired. Last night, however, was zee last straw. Mon dieu! He slept in my spot at zee foot of zee bed, and he would not let me sleep there! Even when pamie picked me up – WHICH I HATE AS MUCH AS I HATE LETTUCE – that creature just hit me on zee head a few times and then took my spot.
Have you ever slept under a futon? It is both very cold and very lonely.
So, I am in zee market for a new home. A warm Christmas-y home that will keep me fat and happy and full of toys and treats. I am not a greedy kitty. I do not have bizzare needs. Whatever you’re eating, I will gladly eat. I like Cheetos and bread and pizza and I really love zee pork chops. As long as you never try to pet me or hold me, we will get along splendidly. Please clean my litter all of zee time or I will put kitty litter on your toilet seat. Please feed me at zee same time every morning, because I am a binge eater, and I like to eat large amounts of food very, very quickly so that I can puke it up and then eat it again right when you are trying to have your breakfast.
It’s just a little tradition, no?
I do enjoy zee eating, and I do enjoy zee sleeping, but I would like some quiet every once in a while, so please make sure that you never, never have any company over, and make sure that if you do, zey do not ever talk.
I require at least one third of your bed.
I will sleep on whatever it is you plan on wearing zee next day, and if it is made of wool, I will take a bath on it.
Zeese are very, very simple needs. And come on, ladies, I’m single!
How can you resist that beautiful face, that lovely tummy. Look at zee extension on my legs. When I want to clean my tummy, I have to hold my legs out of zee way. I cannot simply bend in half. I need a bit of assistance.
Zis is a cat that will surely bring delight to any home as long az you completely ignore my presence. Do not bother me when I am awake or asleep, and make sure that you never try and show me any affection and we are going to be zee happiest couple.
I guess I will miss pamie and eric, though. Zey are quite nice to me, and zey respect my demands. Zey keep me nice and fat, and pamie is constantly trying to protect me from zee creature’s advances. When I get in between them when zey are eating and I pull their food from their hands to my mouth with my paw, zey usually just giggle, break off a piece and put it in a quiet spot for me to eat. Meh.
And zey understand my Pounce weakness.
I rarely have to wait very long to eat in zee mornings.
Zey have that dancing red dot toy that zey take out for me to chase around zee house.
Zey don’t mind it when I have to munch on zee rug every once in a while.
Oh, and zey sing me zee nicest songs.
Do you know zat I have my own stocking? I do. I cannot wait for pamie to pull it out. I like to sit under it and wait for Santa to bring me zee choicest cuts of catnip and Pounce. He never lets me down.
You know, maybe we’ve just been going too fast, you and I. I think I need to slow down a bit. It’s all happening much faster than I thought it would. No, it iz not you, it iz me. I think I need to just keep trying things out here before I go and break their hearts by packing it all up and calling zee Pet Taxi. Maybe these guys are trying, but it iz just so different here with zee new creature. I think zey know that I am uncomfortable.
No, do not cry. Taylor cannot stand to see you cry. Taylor loves you. Meh. Meh. Oh, mon ami, I love you so much. It is just I feel a sort of loyalty to pamie and eric, who have been there for me for zee past two years. Zey do not even laugh at my acne. Zey clean it so lovingly. Zey make sure I never get sick, and zey let me sleep anywhere I want to. Zey even let me watch zee Discovery channel every once in a while.
I love my family. I do. I like it here. It is warm and full of love and zey just think I am zee best kitty-cat ever.
I mean, I am, but it iz nice that zey know it, yes?
Oh, hell, I think I may even let them give me a little petting this afternoon. I shall sit in their laps and just let them scratch me willy-nilly.
What am I, mad? I am Taylor! No one will be touching me! I am untouchable!
But admit it, yes? I had you going zere for a while, no? Oh, you should have seen your face, it was so priceless. Oh, zat is so funny. Oh! Oh, ha! Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-heee! Heee! Hee-HIH! HIH! HIIIIH! HIIIUUHHHIH! HIHHHH!
HHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIII! HII! HI! HIIIIIIIIIHHHHH! HURRRUURURURUHHIIIH! Gkack! Gkack! Guhuhuhguhuh! Gkack!
Sniff! Sniff! Mmmmm.
smack. smack. smack.
Ah, zee mid morning puke is better than Beignets any old time.
What? Where are you going? Was it zomething I said? Oh, no! Come back! I am Taylor!