eric tries to convert me

Oh, the irony that is my life. The doctor’s office called yesterday. Everything is fine. No more pre-cancerous cells. Nothing to worry about. I just have a slight infection, take some medicine and I’ll be all cleared up.

Happy, happy, joy, joy, right?

Yes. I’m very happy that nothing is wrong with me and we are past the cancer scare and everything. The irony of my life? I’m on anti-infection medicine. Basically antibiotics. There’s only a couple of rules on antibiotics. You have to take all of the pills until they are gone. You cannot drink any alcohol while you are on them, and for three days after you are finished.

Guess who’s going to be the designated driver in Aspen next week?

You know, I guess after that whole Mardi Gras thing, it’s probably a good idea. I’ll just stay sober and not pick up any strange bruises or scratches…

A little bit of publicity today… the times are wrong, but I’m not going to complain. They’ll still catch part of the show, and be early for the next one.

I had the strangest dream last night. I rarely have dreams where I wake up laughing. In this dream I was sitting with Eric and he was trying to talk me into going to his church… (neither of us go to a church)… He kept talking about how cool this church was.I was already at the church with him, but he was talking like he was trying to talk me into staying.

[scripty]
ERIC
You will not believe how much fun you’ll have.

PAMIE
Are churches supposed to be fun?

ERIC
Mine is a blast. Especially right around now.

PAMIE
Now?

ERIC
Right before lent things go all crazy.

PAMIE
Really?

ERIC
Did I mention this was a celebrity church?

PAMIE
No.

ERIC
Yeah. Sinbad goes to our church.

(this is due to my Tae Bo, I’m sure)

PAMIE
I didn’t know that.

ERIC
Yeah, and every Sunday afternoon, Dr. Dre comes in and gets all full of the Lord. We all laugh because we know he’s just going to go back to the Chronic. But for a good hour or two he honestly believes that he won’t do it anymore. More tea?

(Okay, the tea is because I’m doing a scene tonight where I’m supposed to be this proper woman, but I can’t decide if we should be drinking tea or not in the scene… Dr. Dre is because I’m trying to force myself to like that Eminem CD that I bought that wishes that bitches just got their throats cut and shoved into trunks…)

PAMIE
Wow. Dr. Dre.

ERIC
Yeah, and the best part is your coming on a Sunday. Every Sunday from one to one thirty, Casey Kasem does all the blow in his house and then prank calls every person he knows. He always prank calls the church last. He’s so funny. He always gives a dedication to the Lord. He’s like, “And that song.. was ‘I wanna fuck you like an animal,’ by Nine Inch Nails. Lord. This song goes out to you from one of your biggest fans.”

PAMIE
They say this in your church?

ERIC
It’s a progressive church.

PAMIE
I guess.

ERIC
I’m not kidding.

PAMIE
Casey Kasem.

ERIC
Yeah.

PAMIE
Doing blow and then prank calling your church.

ERIC
He’s crazy with the smack, too.

PAMIE
Well, I always get nervous at churches because I don’t know the words.

ERIC
That’s where I’ve got you hooked. Check out our programs.

PAMIE
“Summer Lovin’?”

ERIC
All Grease songs. We figure as long as we’re enjoying singing, then the Lord is happy.

PAMIE
“Greased Lightnin’?”

ERIC
Yeah.

PAMIE
Sweetie, it says, “You know that I ain’t braggin’, she’s a real pussy wagon.”

ERIC
It’s an homage to women.

PAMIE
I’m pretty sure it’s blasphemy.

ERIC
Don’t be such a fuddy duddy.

PAMIE
What’s that book?

ERIC
Oh, we don’t use the Bible, because it takes too long. We use these.

PAMIE
Choose Your Own Adventures?

ERIC
Your future is in your hands.

PAMIE
I don’t believe this.

ERIC
Okay. You are standing above a sand pit. You ask the Lord what to do. If he tells you to jump over the pit, turn to page 54. If he tells you to jump in, turn to page 103.

PAMIE
This is some church.

ERIC
I know.

PAMIE
Is that Henry Rollins?

ERIC
He leads our dance team.

PAMIE
You have a dance team?

ERIC
Mostly Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

PAMIE
What’s that sound?

ERIC
Oh! It’s time for Casey’s call. Shh…

CASEY KASEM
Hey? Hey… hellloooooo. Dude! There is such an echo in this place. Helloooooo! Echooo! I am Casey Kasem! Ha!

(sound of muffling)

Dude! I totally dropped the phone just then. Ha! Oh, man, I’m fucking WIRED! Okay. Okay. No. It’s time to be serious. Jean! Shut the fuck up! I’m trying to do this here. Jesus. Oh– HA! No, not you Jesus, I was saying Jesus to myself. Not that I think I’m Jesus… ha,ha,ha………….HAHAHAHAHA…..hee… hih… okay. OKAY. I’m serious. I’m serious here. It’s time for me to do this shit.

PAMIE
How long will he–

ERIC
Shh.

CASEY KASEM
Okay. Oh, man. Ohhhhhhh God. Oh, yeah. Okay. God? Hey? You there? Haaaaaaahhhh… Okay. Oh, please let me just get through this… oh, man. Okay. God? You there? I just want to give a quick dedicaaaaaaahhhaaaaaah HAhahahahaha. No, really. Okay. Just a quick dedication out there to you from a very special person in Eureka, Missouri. She wants you to remember that time…. oh GOD these get harder every wee– Dude! Did you guys know that there’s a Mr. Show marathon on? Fuck! I missed two hours already! Hey– guys– heads ground, feet reaching. Stars. Bye.
[/scripty]

And that’s pretty much where I woke up. I started laughing.

[scripty]
ERIC
You okay, sweetie?

PAMIE
You were so funny in my dream just now.

ERIC
I’m always funny.

PAMIE
But Casey Kasem was hysterical.

ERIC
You just go back to sleep.

PAMIE
(still giggling)
You were talking about Dr. Dre.

ERIC
Sleepy time.

PAMIE
And I–

ERIC
Sleep!

PAMIE
Because I–

ERIC
Sleeping!

PAMIE
But I–

ERIC
Shh!

PAMIE
I just wanted to–

ERIC
Shh!

PAMIE
tell you to–

ERIC
Shh!

PAMIE
remind me–

ERIC
Shh!

PAMIE
tomorrow–

ERIC
Shh!

ERIC
Shh!

PAMIE
I didn’t say–

ERIC
(while raising his arm to do the Dr. Evil “shh” motion he accidentally smacks pamie in the forehead)
Shh–oh, man. I’m sorry.

PAMIE
Fine. I’ll shutup.

ERIC
You okay?

PAMIE
I guess Bobby Brown goes to your church too.

ERIC
What?

PAMIE
Oh, man, that’s some funny shit I just said.

ERIC
Are you high?

PAMIE
HA! HA! HA!

ERIC
I’m sure I’m dreaming. Good night.

PAMIE
heee hee hmmm. mmmf. mmm. zzzzzzzzzzzz

ERIC
Jesus Christ.

PAMIE
zzzzz hee hee hmmm zzzzzzz
[/scripty]

I feel partly responsible for Eric waking up late this morning. But I’m still laughing about Casey Kasem’s phone call.