“And the Grammy goes to…”

oh, who cares?

“Every night she prays to God that another big ship will sink so she has a sequel.”
— Howard Stern on Celine Dion Celine Dion said “My Heart Will Go On” isn’t a song, it’s an experience. How full of yourself do you have to be to say that your song will always live in the hearts of everyone forever? “Imagine” is a song that lives in people’s hearts. Maybe even “Puff the Magic Dragon.” The Titanic song isn’t a keeper. It’s boring and sounds like it’s being sung in a cave.

I didn’t see the Grammies last night. I haven’t watched the Grammies in years. Remember the year where Jethro Tull won best Hard Rock? I think it was the same year that Milli Vanilli won Best New Artist. It was that year that I swore off the Grammies forever. I don’t watch them. I hate them. I saw the last few minutes, Lauryn Hill winning the Album of the Year Grammy. You know you’re going to win that when they have you sing last. Like Madonna’s all finishing up her song and running off stage, toweling off and drinking her Evian and practicing her Madeline Khan voice and they’re gonna say, “And the Grammy goes to… Shania Twain!” Madonna would be all, “Excuse me! Excuse me! I’m right here! I’m already on the stage! You don’t have to wait for her to walk down in those heels! I’m RIGHT HERE, PEOPLE! This is… I… you… I’ve never… I….flames! Flames on the side of my face!” (I know I’ve used that Clue joke again, but it’s really all I think now when I see her. It cracks me up.)

So, since I didn’t see the show, I think I’ve got every right to dissect the awards right here and now, right? Just a gal on the street…. pay no attention to the fact that right now as I type I’m listening to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, winner of five Grammies. I am not biased. Next to Jeff I’m righter, remember? I don’t even really know how all of this turned out, so I’ll download the results and you’ll get my first impressions…

The Winners

courtesy of the grammy site

Record Of The Year
My Heart Will Go On
Ick. What were the nominees? Ew! Goo Goo Dolls? Brandy and Monica? Oh, man, if Madonna wasn’t going to get it, then fine. Let Celine have it. She didn’t really win it, anyway. Somewhere James Cameron is sitting around taking credit for her Grammy. I’m sure he’s also taking credit for the entire year of 1998. That’s fine. Whatever. Who cares about Record of the Year, right? But didn’t we have better singles? Really, if I hear that Goo Goo Dolls song one more time someone is losing an eye. I’m not kidding. Bleah. Let’s move on…

Best New Artist
For a new artist who releases, during the Eligibility Year, the first recording which establishes the public identity of that artist.
Lauryn Hill

Okay. Okay, that’s fine with me. Backstreet Boys and Natalie Imbruglia go home empty– fine with me. They’ve been pushing themselves into my life for a year now and I’m tired of them. But is Lauryn Hill really a new artist? I was listening to The Score in 1995. I guess it is her first solo album. Loop holes. So very good for Lauryn.

Song of the Year
A Songwriter(s) Award. A song is eligible if it was first released or if it first achieved prominence during the Eligibility Year. (Singles or Tracks only.)
My Heart Will Go On

Oh, man. What are you going to do. Did you see the other nominees? Just an earful of crap. And, like Celine said, this song is the only “experience” on the list. As long as it keeps that “Iris” song from winning, I’ll support cave singing till the cows come home. I hate that “Iris” song. It’s so bad I had a parody of it:
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cuz’ I don’t think that they’d understand
I just wrote the worst song in his-tree
And they’re playin’ all ‘cross the land

And people only liked the song because it reminds them of Meg Ryan. Her power is endless. Ick. Oh NO! That song is getting stuck in my head! Quick! We must move on:

Best Album Notes
Bob Belden, Todd Coolman & Michael Cuscuna, album notes writers (Miles Davis Quintet)

Whatever! Belden! You know you’re a big sham! Daniel Cooper and Colin Escott so kicked your ass with the Hank Williams album notes! I hope you go home and evaluate your shambles of a life!

What is that? Album notes? That has nothing to do with the song. That’s a category?

Best Alternative Music Performance
For solos, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental. Compilation albums by various artists are not eligible. For Albums only. (We did this so The Faculty soundtrack couldn’t win)
Beastie Boys, Hello Nasty

B-Boys making with the freak-freak, people. But let’s look at the nominees: Radiohead Airbag/How Am I Driving? What? That’s an EP! I have it at home! It’s just an extended single for Airbag! It’s not an album! What crap. I mean, great, nominate Radiohead again because they’re great and all, but that’s just a cassingle! Doesn’t anyone know that? Five songs do not make an album! It says right there “For Albums only.” Go look at Airbag the next time you’re at the store. You’ll be like, “This Radiohead album is only $5.99. Oh, it’s just an EP.” Oh! Ih. And Tori and PJ and the Pumpkins are great. B-Boys deserved to win and all, but at least nominate people correctly. Jeez.

Best Dance Recording
For solo artists, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental. Singles or tracks only. Award to the Artist and to the Producer (and/or Mixer) if other than the Artist. (So even if Puff Daddy wins for “Roxanne” and it’s just Sting singing “Roxanne” with a slow beat over it, we’re giving the award to Puff Daddy because he brought The Police to “the kids”)
Madonna, “Ray of Light”

I don’t know what Madonna’s acceptance speech was like, but here’s what I would have said (no, I’m not gonna mention the flames on the face again…) “Wow. This is great. No, really, it’s brilliant. First of all, I’d like to thank the other nominees: Gloria Estefan, Cyndi Lauper, Boy George– remember when the four of us were sitting around in 1983 watching Michael Jackson win award after award and we were like, ‘Our pop is just as good as his?’ Thank goodness we all hired vocal coaches, changed our accents and Michael started chiseling his face away, huh? We rock.”

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.
Celine Dion, “My Heart Will Go On”

Oh, this is pure crap. What a piece of crap award. I’m just going to list the other nominees here, and we’ll all imagine them actually singing circles around this woman, since that’s what they do anyway: Sheryl Crow, Lauryn Hill, Sarah McLachlan, Natalie Imbruglia– wait, how did she slip in here? I’m sure they meant Jewel or Alanis or Marilyn Manson.

Best Female Rock Vocal Performance
For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.
Alanis Morrisette, Uninvited

Oh. I see. Alanis and Sheryl and Tori are crossovers. Celine sure as hell isn’t. But you know how Alanis is a crossover in this song? You know those awards they give before the show?

Best Female Yodel Vocal Performance
For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.
Alanis Morrisette, Uninvited

That, my friends, is a freakin’ crossover.

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance
For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks or Black singers only.
Lauryn Hill, “That Thing (Do Wop)”

Here’s where they let Lauryn win. Because it’s safe. Stupid. How silly of me to forget. Crossover, shmossover. She’s a girl of color. She can’t win Female Pop. And Erykah Badu’s “Tyrone” gets my own award:

Best Bad Ass Female Performance
Erykah Badu, “Tyrone”

She shouldn’t go home empty handed.

Best Hard Rock Performance
For solo vocals, or Duos/Groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.
Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, Most High

You know, if I was a “Hard Rock” performer, I would just flat out refuse to be nominated here. Year after year they give it to someone who was never played on the damn rock stations. From the first stupid Jethro Tull-beating-Metallica to this Jimmy-Page-beating-Metallica year I just get so pissed off. Change the name of the damn award to Best Performance By Someone We Should Have Given An Award To Earlier But We Really Didn’t Think You’d Stick Around So Long, What With All the Drugs and All, But You Sure Showed Us, Huh? Look! That’s Egg On Our Faces. Here You Go, Because We Really Don’t Know What Else To Say. Isn’t That Funny? You Were Nominated With Marilyn Manson. That Kid’s Crazy, Isn’t He? With His Plastic Boobies. You Can Tell Your Kids That We Say That You Are Still Rock and Roll.

We Can’t Wait For Aerosmith To Stop Making Records So We Can Give This Award To Them.

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance
For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.
Eric Clapton, “My Father’s Eyes”

Really, honestly, did any of you ever hear this song before? Ever? I have had to sit through that blasted “Lullaby” song seventeen hundred and fifty three times. I’ve heard “Save Tonight” four hundred and twelve. If you want to give Eric Clapton an award because you still feel sorry about his kid, then just do it. Don’t make Eagle-Eye have to rent a tux to go watch you give it to him.

Best Male Rock Vocal Performance
For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.
Lenny Kravitz, “Fly Away”

Oh, man is this funny. Did you guys see the other nominees? What the hell is this? Jeff Buckley, John Mellencamp, John Hiatt, John Fogerty? “I’d like to thank the academy. I’d like to thank my parents for neither naming me ‘John,’ nor giving birth to me in the fifties. I’d like to thank the radio stations for playing my songs. The fact that people have actually heard my single helped a lot here. I was a little nervous after seeing you actually gave the award to Clapton, but luckily you guys thought they were kidding about the other nominees. Did you guys know that I’m African-American? I’m just checking, because I won the Rock category. I’m just making sure. I don’t want to go backstage and you guys make me give it to Cougar because he’s all crying and shit.”

Best Male R&B Vocal Performance
For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.
Stevie Wonder, “St. Louis Blues”

“I win everything, you know. It’s the law. I’m Stevie Wonder.” It’s not even like Usher can be upset. He just happened to release an album the same year as Stevie. He should have known better. Luther Vandross is like, “You put me up against Stevie again? Dammit!”

Best Metal Performance
For solo vocals, or Duos/Groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks or Metallica only, because we screw them year after year.
Metallica, “Better Than You”

“Oh, now we’re ‘Metal’? Because, back when we were metal you guys called us ‘Hard Rock.’ Then we pussed out and started making pansy songs like ‘Unforgiven’ and you call us ‘Metal.’ Whatever. We’d like to thank the academy…”

And Rage Against the Machine actually let them get themselves nominated for a Grammy? My ass. Zach de la Roche, Mr. “Haven’t Seen A Brown Skin Man Since Their Grandparents Bought One” let himself go on the auction block known as the Grammies? We have no rock heroes anymore.

I can’t believe Judas Priest didn’t win.

Best Musical Album For Children
For albums consisting of predominantly music or song vs. spoken word.
The Sesame Street Muppets With Various Artists, Elmopalooza!

Rock on. Should be called Groverpalooza, but other than that, rock on.

Best Pop Album
For solo artists, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental. Compilation albums by various artists are not eligible. Award to the Artist and to the Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) of 51% or more playing time of album.
Madonna, Ray of Light

The only true Pop album nominated. Well, I guess Natalie Imbruglia is pop, but I don’t mean crap-pop. Brian Setzer is not “pop.” He’s never been “pop.”

Best Gap Album
For solo artists, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental. Must be a remake of a song with horns or taken from the latest techno group that the kids are liking so much these days.
The Brian Setzer Orchestra, The Dirty Boogie

There you go.

Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal
For established duos or groups. Singles or Tracks only.
The Brian Setzer Orchestra, “Jump, Jive and Wail.”

But if him being “Pop” means that he beats that incessant “Iris” song, then by all means, go right ahead. He’s Mr. Brian Pop-Poppy-Cherry-Popping-Poppy Setzer Pop Orchestra, as far as I’m concerned.

Best Rap Album
For safe solo artists, kind duos or clean groups. Compilation albums of various artists or “gangstas” are not eligible. Award to the Artist and to the Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) of 51% or more playing time of album. Or Puff Daddy.
Jay-Z, “Vol. 2…Hard Knock Life”

This is the most retarded song in the history of music. You have to admit that. At one point in this man’s life he was sitting around totally stoned and one of his kids was watching “Annie” and he was like, “What are those little girls saying? Hey, has someone used that song yet? Oh, man. I’ve just tapped into a whole new realm of sampling. I’m gonna sample little girls singing musical numbers.”

Just you wait. I hear that Will Smith is gonna use “Maybe Far Away” for his next song about his new kid. Master P is already planning on using “Surrey With A Fringe On Top.” And Mariah Carey just bought the rights for, you guessed it, “I’m Just A Girl Who Can’t Say No.” I can’t wait for Puff Daddy’s “When You’re A Jet, (Y2K remix).”

Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group
For a Duo or Group performance. Singles or Tracks only.
Beastie Boys, “Intergalactic”

I’d mock it, but I’m just happy the boys won again. But I bet ODB is mad pissed, yo. He’s gonna bust some Big Baby Jesus on MCA’s Tibet-lovin’ ass.

Best Rock Album
For solo artists, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental. Includes Hard Rock and Metal. Compilation albums by various artists are not eligible. Award to the Artist and to the Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) of 51% or more playing time of album.
Sheryl Crow, The Globe Sessions

Courtney didn’t win. Version 2.0 rocks. Too bad for Garbage. Dave Mattthews Band–whatever. John Fogerty again! What is it with that man? Anyway, Sheryl’s Rock and Pop and got passed over too much tonight. She was destined to win here. What are you gonna do? Courtney will never be the girl with the most cake at the Grammy’s.

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal
For Duos or Groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.
Aerosmith, Pink

Courtney snubbed again! The Verve, Fastball and The Wallflowers didn’t even know that they lost because they were all in the back fixing each other’s hair.
“I like your hairspray better.”
“Well, your eyeliner makes me look even more forlorn and hungry.”
“Oh, you’re right. But do these leather pants make my butt look big?”
“I don’t know, walk in a straight line like you’re really mad. Like in the video.”
“Which video, mine or yours?”
“I don’t know. Both.”
“You guys, I’m sad.”
“Shutup, I’m sadder.”
“You guys, I think we didn’t win.”
“Hey, did those guys whose song you stole win?”
“No, they’re not here. These are the guys who have that really hot daughter.”
“Oh, yeah. Them.”
“Are you hungry?”
“Yeah, but I’m broke.”
“Well, let’s write a song real fast so we can have a million dollars to go to Denny’s.”
“You’re so cool.”
“I know.”

Best Rock Song
A Songwriter(s) Award. Includes Rock, Hard Rock & Metal songs. For Song Eligibility Guidelines see Category #3. Singles or Tracks only.
Alanis Morissette, “Songwriter”(Alanis Morissette), “Uninvited”

Rock? What the hell? Oh, man. That’s it. Not only do I refuse to watch the Grammy’s but from now on I’m not even going to look at who won. Not even to mock. I’m just furious. I’ve got to get my song published. I’ll call Alanis and see if she’s interested… Billy Corgan and Courtney Love are like, “Well, I know who’s ‘Uninvited’ to our after party.”

Best R&B Album
For solo artists, Duos/Groups, vocal or instrumental. Compilation albums of various artists are not eligible. Award to the Artist and to the Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) of 51% or more playing time of album.
Lauryn Hill, “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”

Like there was any doubt. Erykah still has my bad ass award. What’s with women and the “y’s?” Hmm… pamiy. pamey. paymie. pymy. ooh! pymy. pyymyyieyy.

Best R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal
For duos or groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.
Brandy and Monica, “That Boy is Mine”

Did they fight over the Grammy? I would have watched if there was actual eye-gouging and weave pulling. If I was them I would have staged a little show for them to put on if we won. It’d be more fun than a slumber party.

Best Short Form Music Video
For an individual track or single promotional clip. Award to the Artist and to the Video Director/Producer.
Madonna, “Ray of Light”

Let MTV do these awards, okay? They sort of know what they are doing. Bjork. You only nominated her so it looked like you knew what you were doing. Don’t insult Bjork, and don’t patronize us.

Best Song Written For A Motion Picture Or For Television
A Songwriter(s) award. This category is for a song (melody & lyrics) written specifically for a motion picture or for television and commercially released on a recording for the first time during the Eligibility Year. Singles or Tracks only.
Celine Dion, “My Heart Will Go On”

They made this award up just to give this to her, didn’t they? I’m pretty sure they did. One point for “Uninvited”– it beat out “Iris” for a nomination. I’m not kidding, guys, this song makes me froth at the mouth I hate it so much. It sounds like he’s singing through his ears.

Best Spoken Comedy Album
For spoken word comedy recordings. Albums only.
(this I gotta see…)
Mel Brooks & Carl Reiner, The 2000 Year Old Man In The Year 2000

Ha! Ha! Now, that is funny. Who bought this? Who has heard this? What the hell is this? Jerry Seinfeld’s like, “What’s the deal with the 2000 year old man? Did you hear about this? Who bought this album? 1998 was my year! MY YEAR, PEOPLE! I’m supposed to win.” And Jeff Foxworthy’s like, “If you get beaten by an album about a character that was written fifty years ago? You might be a bad comic.”

Producer Of The Year, Non-Classical

Rob Cavallo

– Dizzy Up The Girl (Goo Goo Dolls) (A)
– Iris (Goo Goo Dolls) (T)
– Nimrod (Green Day) (A)
– Uninvited (Alanis Morissette) (T)

DAMN YOU, GOO GOO DOLLS! I’LL GET YOU NEXT TIME! Oh, that’s just a bunch of artists up there that boil my blood. And it’s all Mr. Cavallos’ fault. Well, I know someone who isn’t getting a Christmas card from me next year.

Album of the Year

Award to the Artist(s), and to the Album Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) if other than the artist.
Lauryn Hill, “The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill”

And that’s it. Girl Power without the Spice Girls. Another award show for “Titanic.” Another evening that I didn’t watch the Grammies because they get me so pissed off.

Short entry yesterday, way too long today. I try and keep a balance, you know.

Leave a Reply