My friend Tess writes jokes that probably already made you laugh. She spent years writing for The Soup, worked on roasts for Comedy Central, and now has a new book that perfectly captures the difficulties in maintaining perfect hostess calm while entertaining your drunk-ass friends.
I have been one of these drunk-ass friends on more than one occasion, and I’m almost positive none of my antics made it into this book. And that is a little shocking because I have had some moments in this lady’s backyard, including the morning I let myself into her pool at the same minute she opened her curtains while fully naked. Good morning! [I still promise I saw nothing!]
To make up for being an accidental pervy jerk, and because you guys love books+free stuff, I’m hosting a giveaway for FIVE COPIES of Tess’ fantastic RECIPES FOR DISASTER, a book you’ll want to read this holiday season while you’re making food, waiting on food, or during bouts of insomnia from planning your next holiday party.
Here she is, in her own words.
The holidays are coming.
For some people they claw outside your door like Zombies trying to get in. If you’re quiet you can hear them moaning.
For others, we fling our windows wide open to them like it’s sunshine in the morning after weeks of rain. [I SAID I WAS SORRY! – pamie]
Whether they fill you with dread or fill you with a sense of possibility one thing is certain: “Why am I doing this!?” will be uttered at least once in your home before it’s over.
Here’s another thing that is certain: you will get through them. No, they will not kill you, just make you stronger…and a better raconteur at your next gathering. Because the bright side of all of the stress of dinners and parties gone wrong is that the more things fall apart, the better the story you’re going to get out of it. I’ve written a whole book about things that have gone wrong at my dinner parties: sometimes it’s the food, sometimes it’s the guests. Sometimes things went so wrong I chose not to tell the story in print for fear it would damage relationships for life.
One time I was making a pie for a holiday dinner. I love making pie for my Husband because men pretty much feel the same way about pie as they do about a naked woman. Any one is great. They’re totally grateful the first time you give them pie, and they don’t take it for granted that they will ever see one again.
Only the crust was so dry I couldn’t roll the top piece out without it just cracking. I don’t know if the butter was too cold or if I didn’t use enough water, but one thing was certain: I was never getting this top part in one piece across the pie. I was stuck. It was about 8 in the morning and I had been at this since at least 7:30, having had the bright idea that I would get it out of the way early so that I could relax in the afternoon. I was unshowered, uncaffeinated and covered in flour. I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet and I couldn’t bear the thought that I would have to make a fresh batch of dough.
Then I got a great idea. I would use a cookie cutter to cut out stars, it was Christmas after all, and then layer the stars over the top of the pie using an egg wash to help them stick to each other, leaving gaps in between some of them to serve as vents. I was skeptical it would work, but an hour later it came out of the oven looking beautiful.
Somethings are just too beautiful for this world. This pie was one of them. The following night at dinner, as the guests arrived, each one passed where the pie was on display, remarking about how gorgeous it was and how they couldn’t wait to eat it. When it was time for dessert I walked into the dining room triumphantly carrying a cake stand in each hand, one for the flourless chocolate cake, the other with the pie on top. And that’s when it happened. The pie pan started to slide across the cake stand it was on. Back and forth until it became airborne, flipping over and landing star side down on the floor. Thud.
I didn’t lose my cool. I laughed about it and so did everyone else. And then one of my male guests said in complete earnest, “I don’t know about the rest of you, I’m still having some of that pie.”
See? Naked women.
We want to hear about your own dinner party disaster. Share in the comments section below between now and December 10th and Tess’ favorite five stories will win an autographed copy of her book, Recipes for Disaster.