how to survive an all-day music festival

Eric comes home today, so I spent the day making my house look like I haven’t thrown three frat parties here while he was gone.

Yesterday I spent all day at 101xFest. Ten hours outside in the heat just to see one band: Weezer.

I hadn’t been to an outdoor music festival in a long time. They haven’t had Lollapallooza in years. I had forgotten several important rules. I’ve written them down here, for the next time you find yourself in this situation. Here’s how to survive.

The rule: Listen to the radio station on your way to the concert

That way, you’ll know if there’s a cancellation before you show up. The group I went with made a deal: We’d go early to see Wheatus, who I wanted to see, and we’d stay late to see Cypress Hill, who they wanted to see. After being there for two hours (and sitting through a dreadful band), we learned that Wheatus’ flight had been cancelled, and they weren’t going to perform.

How do deal with it in case you forgot the rule:

Make fun of the bands you’re forced to hear. When one of them announces that their next song is about how people shouldn’t steal bicycles and then shouts, “This song’s called ‘Fork!’,” feel free to roll on the ground in giggles. That way you won’t start crying. Begin creating new catchphrases and fake songs by the bad band.

Never accept the first answer, or the second. Or third. Keep asking until you get the right answer.

Since there wasn’t another band we wanted to see until Weezer, we realized that there were four hours in that heat before there was any more music we were interested in. We went to the front and asked if there were “ins and outs.” The first guy told us it’d be thirty dollars to leave and come back. Another said he had no idea. The third said that there were indeed no ins and outs, and that once you walked in you were here all day.

It was fifteen minutes before Weezer went onstage when a boy asked to bum a cigarette off of me. I wiped the sweat from my face, leaned down and pulled out my pack for him. “I would go myself,” he said, “but I just don’t want to shell out the five dollars to get the wristband to leave and come back.”

How do deal with it in case you forgot the rule:

Well, first you’re going to cry, and then you’re going to think about all of the things that you could have done that day if you could have left right when they had cancelled that early band. You vow not to tell the others in the group, as you don’t know them as well, and they might become violent.

You get to the concert and realize you’ve only brought: Sunscreen, cigarettes, sunglasses and bottled water. You will sometimes think that you’ve travelled to a far-off land. Bring a cellphone so you can keep in touch with reality.

So, you’re stupid, because while you’re sweating you realize you should have brought:

A blanket, some cards, more money, and a flag to mark off territory since everyone else starts closing in on what you’ve worked all day to stake out.

Symptoms that it’s too hot:

You begin hallucinating. You’ve convinced your friend that you are both stuck inside a Beastie Boys CD. You write letters to inanimate objects:

Dear Grass,
You were not “Scheduled to appear.” Why were you the most prominent feature of the entire festival? Why are you in my ears, my eyes, my nose and the crack of my ass? You were certainly not invited there. You have made me very smelly.

Love,
Michelle and Pam

What to do when it’s too hot:

Go immediately to the water tent and buy two bottles. One to drink, one to wear. The second they pull it out of the ice water, open it and pour it over your body. You can thank me for the orgasm later.

 

dear aquafina,

thank you.

yours forever,
michelle and pam

Name that feeling:

You start babbling uncontrollably. The bad band onstage is hysterical. You’re a bit shaky. You just ate mushroom and cheese quesadillas, and you hate mushrooms. You look around. You realize.

You’re high.

You’ve been around strangers smoking pot for seven hours in a row. It’s inevitable.

dear grass,

you made us high. you hid in the crack of my ass.

go away,
michelle and pam

What you’d do to save yourself from the heat:

You become disgusting. You’re covered in grass, your feet hurt, your scalp hurts, and you buy a fifteen dollar hat you’ll never wear again just to save your head.

You don’t always have to follow the rules.

When the line to get an autograph from Weezer wraps around the entire concert area, and you realize that you don’t want to be just another person making them sign things, you don’t have to just give up. Pretend you’re going to buy a t-shirt, and stand next to the empty chairs waiting there. When Weezer walks right up and sits next to you, play it cool. Watch them sign, but don’t stare like a freak (like I did). When Rivers isn’t signing something, it’s okay to ask him a question (like the guy next to you did), but probably not as cool to just get his attention and gush (like I did).

Guy next to me
Rivers!

Rivers
Yes?

Guy next to me
When’s the new album, man?

Rivers
April 1st.

Pam
Rivers! Hey Rivers!

(silence)

Pam
(to Michelle)
You know, I really need a more commanding voice. That’s my problem.

(michelle is pointing behind me. I turn around, Rivers is looking at me, telling someone to hold on next to him)

Rivers
I’m sorry. What?

Pam
Der. Whaaaa. Yerrxsh. Uh, I saw you guys like a month ago at the Troubadour? I just, you, I just wanted to tell you guys you rock my world. You rocked.

Rivers
Oh, thank you. Thanks a lot.

Pam
Stupid! I’m so stupid!

Michelle
That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

Guy next to me
Rivers, when are the braces coming off?

Rivers
Oh. Oh, God. Um, very soon. Thanks. Thank you.

Pam
Stupid!

 

Is it wrong that I just want to beat up the girls that broke Rivers’ heart and then hold him and brush back his hair and tell him everything was going to be all right?

If you haven’t heard a band in years, they’ve probably changed

I remember Cypress Hill being a dope band that sang songs about weed and that’s it. Now it’s about killing cops, screwing cops, and doing things to my anatomy that I haven’t authorized.

And

Everlast only had a twenty minute set. He claims we “Made him leave” by throwing plastic bottles at him. But I know the truth. He only had twenty minutes of material.

The Golden Rule

Weezer rocks. Other than Cypress Hill, who closed the entire festival, they were the only band that left to applause. Because I am getting rid of my cell phone after this weekend, I had a bunch of minutes to use up. And since he did it for me, I called stee and let him listen to the concert. People around me saw what I was doing, picked up their cell phones and said, “No, I’m really at Weezer. Do you wanna hear? Hold on. Can you hear okay?” Six of us stood standing, holding our cellphones at our chests, singing along and cheering, letting the people in our lives that couldn’t be there, be with us for a few minutes while Weezer rocked the house. They signed autographs for three hours. How nice is that?

Elsewhere: I have a new Hissyfit up about break-ups.