Chatting Up the VMA's

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Okay, so yesterday I was all set to come home and write an entry. In fact, I was going to stay in and do all sorts of work.

I’m just worthless when Eric is out of town.

I went to see Bring It On again, and then I ended up stopping for a drink at the Bad Dog and then I watched the Video Music Awards. I watched the last half and then rewound my VCR to see the first half.

I took my impressions down for you here, and I thought we could also see how my predictions did.

Remember, I started halfway through the awards.

The anti-Napster Metallica spot. Great job, MTV. Not unlike how you sat Carson Daly, Fred Durst, Britney, Christina and Eminem near each other, so you could have the Real Slim Shady re-enacted in Radio City Music Hall. Pick. A. Side.

Best Rap
Dr. Dre
You always know the big winners because they sit near the front. They don’t like to make the cameras have to follow someone for forever.

Who did I pick? Dr. Dre. I’m one for one, so far. Go, me.

Aaliyah and anana lewis? The vj one opening her shirt to show her chest, prompting the other to open her shirt, too. Good job, girls. Totally not obvious.

Watching nsync is like watching sigfried and roy sing.

worst. outfits. ever.

hard to not be lipsynching if your faces are on the television screen, yes?

insert your own big head joke here.

turning the mics on for the heavy breathing. Ha.

Jennifer Lopez. Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo called. They need that outfit back.

rock- limp bizkit
i think the only person that didn’t get a hug was me.

What did I pick for rock? Limp Bizkit. Two for two, baby.

I wish that guy had jumped and then he could have sued the shit out of limp bizkit. His girlfriend is so breaking up with him. right now.

toni braxton is a man, y’all.

Mark Walberg, you can look like an asshole like no other. i remember when your name started with a marky. mtv made you, yo.

Nelly had to leave the party with his pants tied around his waist. (Psst. Watch the tape, Nell. They’re laughing at you)

r&b
eve, you put an extra comma or semi-colon in that sentence. take it back.

 

destiny’s child. I am three for three, man.

ben stiller and robert deniro. don’t they get their lines in advance?

art direction
californication.
dayton and ferris live the best lives, i swear.
Ooh, my first loss. Didn’t call the power of Dayton/Ferris.

richard almost touched chyna’s breasts. i saw him recoil.

christina agulera

doesn’t anyone get to sing just their song anymore? why the constant medley?

wow, she’s so off the dance. she almost killed someone just then. She almost kicked him in the head trying to do that shoulder stand backward roll.

now she’s off the beat.

how much money did fred durst get for that? he couldn’t walk off that stage fast enough.

no, mtv. you don’t get to use a pixies song for your commercial. not if you don’t play any of their videos.

wait, did they only play that nysnc video for that viewer’s choice award nomination? what happened there?

Viewer’s Choice winner: *NSYNC. Damn. I got the Viewers Choice and Video of the Year backwards. I called *NSYNC and Eminem the other way around.

that “those who are no longer with us” was so lame, i wonder if they stole the material from the jay leno show and used it for filler.

who dressed whitney?

video of the year

eminem

i’m glad to hear the boos for lars.

blink 182 for the final number? That is the worst closing number the VMAs have ever done. Seriously. I wish Axl had just come out for no reason at all.

This is where I rewound to the beginning, just as stee logged on for a chat. We spent the rest of the time dissing, and since I don’t want to just rewrite and steal his jokes, here they all are:
stee: hey there.
pamie: hi.
pamie: did you watch the vma’s?
stee: no. i had rehearsal. just watched a sad bit of it.
pamie: i watched the last half, the first half is playing on my vcr right now.
pamie: i hate lars.
stee: yeah. that was a weird move to bring him out.
pamie: did you see the anti-napster thing they did?
stee: who, mtv or metallica?
pamie: both.
pamie: on the show.
stee: no i didn’t. shit.
pamie: so stupid.
stee: the wayans were lost.
pamie: chris rock sittin back smilin, laughin.
stee: exactly. scary movie my ass.
pamie: i think i got quite a few right in my guesses.
stee: oh, good for you.
pamie: some dude sat on top of the rafters while limp bizkit tried to give an acceptance speech.
pamie: some weird drugged out dude.
stee: i did see that. that was very very funny.
pamie: mark walberg acted like a super asshole.
stee: brittney ho’ed out.
pamie: christina out hoing.
stee: i liked that “tribute to those who’ve left us” thing.
stee: lou bega.
pamie: you did? i hated it.
pamie: i wrote:
stee: it was a good idea but didn’t quite work.
pamie: “i hope they stole that from the leno show for filler.”
stee: should have done more.
pamie: how many gerardo, vanilla ice jokes are left?
pamie: none.
pamie: mc hammer and shit.
stee: yeah, they should have gotten more obscure and funny.
pamie: exactly.
pamie: or daring at least.
pamie: like jewel.
stee: van halen not exactly daring. yeah.
stee: mtv is weird about that kinda shit. playing 100 different hands at one time.
pamie: because it was supposed to be “over the past year.”
pamie: bjork won a vma.
stee: you should have read this thing about carson daly’s big “pitch” press conference announcing his entrance into hollywood and the 30 script ideas he has researched.
pamie: that girl’s winning all sort of stuff not being seen.
pamie: god help us all.
stee: and how he wants to do “adam sandler” type movies and shit. so so so so so sad, the life of an post mtv vj.
stee: has it worked out for a single one?
pamie: um….
stee: go bjork.
stee: i guess.
stee: my cd player is too in love with her for my taste.
pamie: there’s a chris rock impersonator opening the vma’s, yo.
pamie: oh, god.
stee: ah. is it funny at least?
pamie: taking pot shots of britney.
pamie: showing britney not laughing.
pamie: NO.
pamie: like they just gave chris’ lines to this jag.
stee: they started the things as a lark and all laid back and now it’s a train wreck.
pamie: this is awful.
stee: d’angelo is getting beat down somewhere for staring at jennifer lopez like that.
pamie: maybe he’s a king of comedy?
stee: you’re a king of comedy.
pamie: ha.
pamie: oh god. fake pop stars are beating up fake chris rock.
pamie: this is the dumbest thing i’ve ever seen.
pamie: jesus.
pamie: i want my money back.
pamie: for cable this month.
pamie: and the tape i used to tape this.
pamie: i lost the last episode of young americans for this.
pamie: no more half-naked verve for this.
stee: all i could think when that guy was up there on that thing that we’ll have to sit through all these “behind the mtv awards” things next year with producers talking how “crazy” it was.
pamie: right.
stee: mtv is the snake eating its own tail.
pamie: oh, wait. that might have been one of the wayans doing that chris rock.
stee: going to start a black hole.
pamie: a deeper black hole.
stee: wayans’
stee: wayansez
pamie: waaaayanzzesssszzzuuuuup?
stee: ha
pamie: hee.
stee: i think they’re born spontaneously each year from keenan forehead.
pamie: they are bombing.
pamie: BOMBING!
pamie: oh.
pamie: just got a headache.
stee: i know. they are my entry title.
stee: header. whatever.
pamie: (I know). they made a hanson joke.
stee: hanson jokes rule.
pamie: and they just said “supposably.”
pamie: mc hammer joke.
pamie: another mc hammer joke.
pamie: make
pamie: it
pamie: stop
stee: begin the “White Folks Can’t Dance” material… now!
pamie: oooh… i think it’s coming… hold on…
pamie: no, just gold teeth jokes.
stee: always topical.
stee: “we couldn’t afford gold fronts.”
pamie: jennifer lopez is so not laughing.
pamie: “how do you rob gold teeth?”
stee: great.
pamie: firestone tire recall jokes.
pamie: not kidding.
stee: yes!
pamie: it’s like fucking dying in front of a crowd of crickets.
stee: leno backstage with a notepad scribbling.
pamie: hee.
pamie: ha.
pamie: that’s good.
stee: dmx got cut from the awards for not showing up to rehearsal.
pamie: “two boxes of Eminems.”
pamie: ladies! the airline jokes have begun!
stee: firestone tires on that concorde.
pamie: one is talking, the other is “doing the bit”
pamie: one just showed his ass.
stee: damon crying somewhere.
stee: kim auditioning for becker.
pamie: and hopefully ripping up some checks.
pamie: i don’t know these guys’ names.
pamie: oooh.
pamie: renee zellwegger.
pamie: my most hated of the zellweggers.
stee: i hate ned more.
pamie: she’s on crack.
pamie: i can’t see her face through her puppy ear bangs.
stee: nurse betty’s pr person should win an award.
pamie: right.
stee: they are everywhere. i woke up to fucking kinnear.
pamie: i saw bring it on for free tonight, yo.
stee: good for you.
pamie: janet jackson is on now, so i don’t have as much bitching to do.
pamie: ooh.
pamie: she looks exactly like michael!
pamie: in that black and white phase.
pamie: EXACTLY.
stee: that’s a wayans joke, girl.
pamie: i’m not kidding, though.
pamie: i looked up quickly…
pamie: and thought it was going to be a duet.
stee: airline seats are soooo small.
pamie: shut up.
pamie: i’m serious!
stee: whitney scares me.
pamie: yeah, dude. how scary is she in that outfit?
pamie: like she went through madonna’s trash.
stee: i loved when 98 degrees got marooned on stage.
pamie: yeah.
pamie: all trying to remember their foreign languages.
stee: boyzone laughing somewhere.
pamie: take that going… well, “take that.”
stee: b*witched casting spells.
pamie: stee, seriously. she looks just like michael now.
pamie: hee.
stee: what’s with the *?
pamie: toni braxton is a man, yo.
stee: who forgot to button his coat.
pamie: yep.
pamie: she remembered at the end.
stee: sade getting high in iceland with bjork.
pamie: did you see where aleialsya and atlixlisha were pulling on their shirts to show more boob?
stee: i don’t know who those are. are they the new olsen twin names?
pamie: aleyha (i can’t remember how to spell it) was in the action movie, has that song and the other girl is the mtv vj.
pamie: anana lewis?
stee: i saw 2 minutes of that kung fu movie in the video store tonight. that’s weird.
stee: ananda.
stee: amaya.
stee: some shit.
pamie: amaya, i think that’s it.
stee: anada. amaya is on real world.
pamie: and she’s alieya or something like that.
stee: ananda
pamie: oh, right.
stee: anada and aliayeaheah.
stee: ananda
stee: ow.
pamie: yeah.
pamie: andnanandananalllanada.
pamie: electric boogaloo.
pamie: ooh, time for “best group.”
stee: what happened to sister sister?
pamie: the “podium” podium is the most annoying thing i’ve ever seen.
stee: i was just wondering about them.
stee: hold on…
pamie: i’m so scared of the people talking before the videos.
pamie: manson lamps.
pamie: please let the foos win this one.
pamie: fucking blink 182, ruining everything.
stee: did they? fuck.
pamie: it was the lamest closing show i’ve ever seen, man.
pamie: blink 182 just walked off to a foo fighters song.
pamie: i want half of the foreign song winner mp3’s.
pamie: what’s with all the WWF people on the VMAa?
pamie: i hate kid rock.
pamie: HATE HIM
stee: i do too, honey.
pamie: best dance video.
pamie: wanna guess?
stee: n sync.
pamie: i’ll let you know. they are pausing because the rock started talking.
pamie: the girls were screaming.
pamie: my eyes were rolling.
stee: i saw the agulera scaryclown. scary.
pamie: yeah, really scary, right?
stee: yeah. no sense to that.
pamie: you can’t call yourself “the original freakmaster,” can you?
pamie: isn’t that a name someone else has to give you?
pamie: the nominees:
pamie: hold on, people being “interesting”
pamie: britney spears “drive me crazy”
pamie: jennifer lopez “waiting for tonight”
pamie: so many boobs, here.
stee: n sync
pamie: *NSYNC “bye3”
stee: n sync
pamie: ricky martin “shake your bon bon”
stee: n sync
pamie: remember that song?
stee: elvis costello.
pamie: it’s a rip off of an austin artist.
stee: bob dylan.
pamie: sisquo. “thong sexism”
stee: jewel
pamie: i want sisqo to re-release “all apologies.”
pamie: the winner…..
stee: ha
stee: n sync
pamie: “jennifer lopez.”
stee: no.
pamie: in your face.
stee: nononononono
stee: n sync
stee: n sync
stee: n sync
pamie: puffy is getting a facefull right now.
stee: no
stee: robbed.
pamie: she just pulled her white ass pants over her crack.
stee: wait, why do i care?
pamie: she sounds like a cat in heat.
pamie: you care.
pamie: you care so much.
pamie: we all do.
stee: bye bye bye lopez you stooge.
pamie: so much hip bone on that girl.
pamie: she doesn’t know what an “upset” is.
stee: forcefeed that girl some ben and jerry’s.
pamie: “I didn’t expect to win! I was waiting for the upset!”
stee: stupid ass.
pamie: nah, she’s not really all that skinny at all.
stee: go do selena 2.
pamie: got herself a little belly, there.
stee: selena in hell.
pamie: puffy had some surgery done, i think.
pamie: he can’t seem to close his mouth anymore.
stee: he never could, dear.
pamie: mr wayans is trying to take credit for the lopez.
stee: which one?
pamie: “i remember when she was a fly girl.”
pamie: i don’t know.
pamie: the one with the dreads.
pamie: oh, man.
pamie: U2.
stee: ugly or uglier?
pamie: ugly.
stee: U who?
stee: shawn.
pamie: right?
pamie: bono is trying to do that “i’m bored” thing,
stee: U-571?
pamie: but he forgot that we’ve forgotten.
pamie: he’s doing a jack nicholson impersonation, perhaps?
stee: “where the bands have no career.”
pamie: hee.
pamie: ooh, it’s rage.
pamie: but you know, they just don’t belong up there at all.
pamie: we just had a little moment of silence there for the death of rage’s integrity, didn’t we?
stee: gone long ago.
pamie: makes me sad.
stee: the battle for los angeles is to see who gets their iced mocha first.
pamie: first i thought they were playing “bulls on parade…”
pamie: and then i figured “oh, must be sleep now, since that’s the nomination.”
pamie: after a minute and half, i realized this is “testify.”
pamie: oh, i just read what you wrote. hee.
stee: six of zach.
pamie: half of cooven on the other.
stee: heeeeee
pamie: i’m seeing weezer in two days.
pamie: how jealous are you?
stee: don’t ask.
pamie: here’s how not jealous: they’re on at like four in the afternoon.
pamie: it will be approximately 111 degrees.
stee: everyone will be weezer.
pamie: or it’s going to rain.
pamie: they aren’t sure yet.
pamie: wheatus is on at like, one.
pamie: that’s a two hour nap during the nixons and cottonmouth kings, man.
stee: everyone’s going to be getting hairbraids instead.
pamie: ooh, rage broke a guitar on stage.
pamie: see? they’re still kewl.
stee: rage against fender.
pamie: someone is doing a bad NSYNC parody.
pamie: who is that?
pamie: oh it’s the snl guy.
pamie: fallon.
stee: fall off.
pamie: he does a good howard stern.
stee: his name sounds like he should be at the stardust opening for frank.
pamie: britney spears only got 5% of the viewers choice nominations.
pamie: yeah, i never think i’ve gotten his name correctly.
stee: even raffi got 4%.
pamie: hee.
pamie: this is so lame.
pamie: he’s making the puppets talk.
pamie: i’m really hungry.
stee: yeah, me too. no dinner.
pamie: no. i had popcorn.
pamie: and some ice cream.
pamie: and cheerleader ass, but that’s a little light.
stee: are you 6?
pamie: no parents, dude! home alone!
pamie: (hands clapping on cheeks)
pamie: jacob dylan?
pamie: he should have been on that clip.
stee: yakob.
pamie: best new artist.
pamie: your guess?
stee: minnie driver.
pamie: hee.
stee: d’angelo?
pamie: nominees…
pamie: sisqo
pamie: papa roach.
pamie: whatever.
pamie: i’m building more tension here than the show has.
pamie: christina.
pamie: scary clown!
pamie: scary clown!
pamie: pink
pamie: macy gray
stee: christina.
pamie: i think macy
stee: she won the grammy.
stee: macy is vh1.
pamie: yeah, so this’ll go to the lauryn hill candidate
pamie: the winner…
pamie: macy gray.
pamie: i rule.
stee: you lie.
pamie: she looks like someone attending a 70’s party
pamie: huge pink afro
pamie: fringe
stee: just cuz i’m not watching you think you can lie all over me.
pamie: like she walked off that almost famous set
pamie: i’m not lying.
stee: almost came up with a good title.
pamie: huge purple shades.
pamie: she’d win some office costume contest with this one.
pamie: “Did you see Macy in HR? Hysterical!”
pamie: almost forgot to write a title.
pamie: christina is clapping for her.
pamie: one of the wayans just nudged the other because he forgot his line that he was reading off the teleprompter.
pamie: so sad.
pamie: i’m so ignoring the fact that sisqo is on right now.
pamie: he just told everyone to scream.
pamie: they still do that?
stee: you kinda have to ignore sisqo.
pamie: the girls are not in thongs.
stee: he’s doing a sitcom, yo.
pamie: no he isn’t.
pamie: now you’re lying.
stee: a “Fresh Prince” for the 00’s.
pamie: you’re lying about that fresh prince shit, right?
stee: i wish i were.
pamie: again: god help us all.
stee: i think jewel should do a sitcom.
pamie: is he the guy in the wild wild west video?
stee: yeah.
pamie: man.
pamie: that’s two years of pain he owes me back.
stee: oh no, that’s stevie wonder.
pamie: hee.
pamie: no.
pamie: ha.
pamie: oh, my headache is back.
pamie: right in my eye.
pamie: still no thongs in the thong song.
pamie: how strange.
stee: i’ve got a headache this big, and it’s got sisqo written all over it.
pamie: yeah.
pamie: i think it’s really a rip off if you’re gonna talk shit like that and be covered in girls and they aren’t wearing thongs.
pamie: the joy of the vcr: the fast-forward button.
stee: i hate when that happens to me.
stee: oh, you’re watching on video?
pamie: yeah.
pamie: suprisingly, there are real videos on mtv right now.
pamie: wayans mocking macy gray.
pamie: just her hair.
stee: one of them looks like her.
pamie: one of them is her.
stee: ha
pamie: uglier.
pamie: not ugly.
pamie: no, wait.
stee: yes, uglier.
pamie: that’s ugly.
pamie: shit.
pamie: i don’t know.
pamie: ew.
pamie: jeri curl joke.
stee: it’s confusing. i know.
pamie: big afro pussy joke.
stee: jerhi?
pamie: yeah.
pamie: i’m typing while being repulsed.
pamie: sorry.
stee: big afro pussy joke – name of your 7th album.
pamie: yeah.
pamie: i’m glad i got you here to keep them straight.
pamie: RICKY MARTIN!
stee: they’re on an excel spreadsheet.
stee: who?
pamie: he’s my ex boyfriend.
pamie: oh god.
pamie: he looks more like sting than sting.
pamie: like rod stewart slept with sting.
stee: ha .
pamie: who frosts still?
stee: kid does.
stee: or n play.
pamie: man.
pamie: best female video.
pamie: your guess?
stee: n sync stole their “n”.
pamie: nominees: alielay. try again.
stee: they should sue.
pamie: britney.
pamie: christina.
stee: ricky martin.
pamie: SCARY CLOWN!
pamie: hee.
pamie: Macy Gray.
pamie: i think this will go to Britney.
pamie: or alayla.
stee: me too.
pamie: oh, shit. forgot about man girl.
pamie: Toni Braxton.
pamie: the winner….
pamie: …
pamie: …
pamie: come on ricky just say it.
pamie: Alayai.
stee: damn. i suck at this.
stee: my finger is off the pulse.
pamie: aaliyah.
stee: it’s somewhere else i guess.
pamie: i never would have guessed that spelling.
stee: sounds like a disease.
pamie: aaliyah.
pamie: or a bad acronym.
stee: yes.
pamie: i just saw blood pour from christina’s eyes.
pamie: our first thanks to god.
stee: the clown did it.
pamie: and our first “peace.”
pamie: the wayans are now just sitting down.
stee: who is “our”?
pamie: the royal our.
pamie: destiny’s child just walked on.
pamie: the three allowed to still be seen.
pamie: the two that have the same momma/seamstress.
stee: tlc is mad.
pamie: and the other one.
pamie: oh, is that wyclef?
pamie: yeah, i think so.
stee: swv selling pencils on the street.
pamie: hee.
pamie: they are now singing
pamie: with wyclef
stee: why clef?
pamie: exactly.
pamie: he’s just beatboxing now.
pamie: best male video.
pamie: your guess?
stee: you
pamie: toni braxton.
stee: hee.
pamie: d’angelo.
pamie: ooh, that’s a nice tummy he has.
pamie: eminem.
pamie: kid fuck.
stee: eminem.
pamie: moby.
pamie: HA.
pamie: moby.
pamie: hee.
pamie: moby.
pamie: right.
stee: he wishes.
pamie: moby.
pamie: right.
pamie: Ricky Martin.
pamie: shake your memory.
stee: moby? maybe.
pamie: so eminem.
stee: yeah.
pamie: the winner…
pamie: Eminem.
pamie: damn, i work at mtv, yo.
pamie: eminem really dressed up for these.
pamie: blue sweats and white pullover.
pamie: big hat covering his eyes with the brim.
stee: kim gets half of that statue.
pamie: she’ll cut it in two with her teeth.
pamie: this year he brought a speech.
pamie: ooh, funny joke about just marbles and money in his pockets. marbles and money spilling onto the stage.
pamie: but no speech!
pamie: where’s your speech, em?
pamie: so funny, you so crazy.
stee: marbles?
pamie: or change.
pamie: or kim’s teeth.
pamie: not sure.
pamie: too small to tell.
pamie: kim’s teeth.
pamie: hee.
pamie: i’m funny.
pamie: moby.
pamie: heeeeeeee.
stee: brushing teeth. 1 hand typing.
pamie: go go gadget, fast-forward!
pamie: man, more wayans on the commercials.
pamie: is the new urban legends a sequel or a director’s cut?
stee: yes
pamie: carson daly is a moron.
stee: yes
pamie: he called it ” a music war between fans.”
pamie: introducing sean fanning.
pamie: nice, since they do that anti-napster thing in like, three minutes.
pamie: they’re playing metallica over him walking out.
pamie: he’s wearing a metallica shirt.
pamie: carson is dissing him.
pamie: lars is faking asleep.
pamie: carson said britney gonna smack him.
pamie: it’s britney.
pamie: she’s fosse’d out.
pamie: she’s singing I CAN’T GET NO SATISFACTION.
pamie: someone kill me immediately.
pamie: she’s doing the slow walk and slowing the song down.
stee: i will. i’m going to go to sleep first, though.
pamie: she’s wearing the moonwalker outfit.
pamie: the smooth criminal outfit.
pamie: ooh, her clothes just FELL OFF.
pamie: nude sparkly bodysuit.
pamie: now, show ’em them titties.
pamie: wow.
pamie: her “mic” keeps falling off.
pamie: oops, she did it again.
pamie: she ho’ed.
pamie: are you still brushing your teeth, or are you in shock?
pamie: woah.
stee: no, i’m going to hit the hay.
pamie: i just saw inside her ass.
pamie: you aren’t having fun anymore.
stee: i’m tired.
pamie: man.
pamie: okay.
stee: good luck getting through the rest of the show.

It was then that my VCR cut off. My vcr hates jim carrey so much that it will not allow any taping of his image.

That’s all of the VMAs that I got to tape. I have to say this was the most boring VMA show ever.

Until next year.

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