Gracious

that’s the kind of loser i am.

Well, I lost.

I lost big time. I got spanked. Spanked.

First of all, I’d like to print Allison’s acceptance speech right here, in all its glory:

Allison is the champion, my friends

no time for losers

Oh, people. How did it happen? Believe me, I am as surprised as you are.

When I got the e-mail from Pamie about entering this contest, I knew it was going to be a test of my strength and talent. If you didn’t read all the trash-talking in the forum, you don’t know that I recorded my entry wearing not much more than my drawers in my tiny bathroom, sitting on the toilet lid with a bedspread on my head. Not my finest moment, kids, but anything for P.

I would like to thank those of you who voted for me over the hometown favorite. Especially Eric. And Cal. And Taylor. And Pam’s parents. Man, I don’t know why her family hates her so much, but I couldn’t go turning down any votes, yo. Me beating Pamie in her own house is like Maryland someday beating FSU in Tallahassee, and, if you saw their game last night, you all know how very, very highly unlikely that is. Incidentally, because you supported me so mightily, all of you are invited to Dallas when my band plays next month. I promise, I sound much better without the pillow-soft padding.

I should also not fail to acknowledge the strong fan base I have in Dallas, and in the Southeast, that rallied like a bunch of gangsta-asses and brought home the win. All 10 of those votes really helped. Mother, thanks very much for the votes you scraped up, personally. Y’all know she hates my daddy, but she loves the hell out of me. And, just like my boyfriend Justin Timberlake did in his immortal MTV Video Music Awards acceptance speech, I would last, but certainly not least, like to thank Jesus. The Big J.C., is who I’m talkin’ about. He was in that bathroom with me. “What Would Jesus Do?” – you were probably all asking yourselves. He would vote for Allison. And He did.

Apologies are in order to Bonnie Raitt and Stevie Ray Vaughn, my idols, who I defamed with this debacle of a performance.

And, really, in closing, I have to say the best thing about this entire exercise was the constant communication I had yesterday with Pamie. I love me some Pamie. Tomorrow night, girl. We take the stage TOGETHAH and rock like bob.

It was last night while I was putting a load of clothing into the dryer that I realized something important. I’m not as good of a singer as I thought I was. Just like when I heard myself beatboxing, I think I never noticed that people were laughing AT me and not WITH me.

There’s nothing like a webpage to keep yourself humble.

And I’m not trying to say that I thought I was a better singer than Allison. For God’s sake the girl’s got some pipes on her that make grown men cry, but I never really heard myself sing like that before. Okay, yeah it’s over the phone, and that makes it sound scratchy, when I’m really not that scratchy, but I’m all crazy-loud and obnoxious. Usually I’m busting over some loud music and you don’t notice how loud I am, but that’s just too loud. No wonder Eric almost broke up with me that time in the car when I was singing Prince’s “Kiss.”

I can’t believe no one ever told me that I’m an obnoxious singer. I have a weekend full of singing coming up, people. Not only do I sing tomorrow night, I’ve got a two-day show where I’m singing my ass off.

I’m singing my ass off because I kinda thought I could sing.

And now I’ve heard myself and I’m just sorta embarrassed for myself. Like I can hear Carrie’s mom in the back of my head all, “They’re all gonna laugh at you!”

Okay, so I can sing and it’s funny and I people like watching me do Karaoke because my head becomes an unreal shade of red and I’m not ashamed to wiggle all over the floor like Madonna at the VMA’s. But I always thought t that it didn’t matter because the singing was good.

I’m just a funny distraction to the bad singing.

Listen, again, I think it’s great that Allison won. I totally knew she was going to win, which is why I bugged her to enter. She thought she wouldn’t. My realizations here have nothing to do with the contest. It was the shock of hearing myself singing through the computer. Man.

Okay, and the fact that Eric voted for Allison. When your own boyfriend votes for another girl, for any reason, ANY REASON, then you can be a bit hurt.

So, this weekend I have to suck it up and pretend that I don’t know that I’m a silly singer. Or, maybe, I have to like the fact that I’m a silly singer. Most people can’t sing as loudly as I can. It’s a talent, maybe. Yeah.

I can do a whole show about how silly and loud I can be. Most people can’t do that, right? Or at least, if they can, they certainly don’t show anyone that they can do that. I can just have no shame and let people laugh because that’s one thing I think I know how to do. I can make people laugh.

So, Allison can make them all weep and hug their lovers tighter, and call their moms and make bold love declarations. I’ll just make them cover their eyes, drop their mouths, and give a good belly-laugh while they shout, “Oh, God!”

Two different reactions. I’m the 2Ge+her to her *NSYNC. I’m okay with that.

But this weekend, Allison, you best bring your singing shoes.

New Webhead— I’m discussing office flirting.

And you may have noticed an additional new banner. I’m giving it a trial run. I wonder why I never see any Squishy banners on those things. I made four! Let me know if you have any complaints, problems, or ideas of where a better place to put the new square one would be. I like it at the top because then it’s out of the way the second you start reading the page, but they’re all different shapes now, and I think that’s kinda funky.

Have a good weekend, y’all.

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