Icy

don’t say the wrong thing to me, mister.

Happy Birthday Matt Sadler.

And if you’re livin’ in the Austin area, come down to the Caucus Club tonight or tomorrow, between 8 and 10 pm for the MOMfest Benefit. Come early to see Eric and Jeff do the famous Slap Happy Pappy sketch, and my ass’ll be doing the less-famous “Genie In A Bottle” sketch. Matt Sadler will be funny, and Chuy and the Ray Prewitt’s Fourth Grade Class are scheduled to appear. Look, I don’t know. I think all of my friends are performing, and it’s for a good cause. Come drink and laugh and groove to some music (I think there are bands, too.) And tell Matt happy birthday week.

Just a quick one here, since I’m working like a crazy person.

Two nights ago, leaving the gym

[scripty]
ERIC
You ready to go?

PAMIE
Yeah. Ow. That machine hurts you.

ERIC
Where’s the water bottle?

PAMIE
I put it over here where we’d forget it.

ERIC
Good.

PAMIE
Let me fill it back up. Hold on.

ERIC
Did you see me? That was me on the commercial there on the television.

PAMIE
I know. You’re famous.

ERIC
Sellin’ cable.

PAMIE
I’ve never seen someone run off a treadmill before. You had like a running start to the television.

ERIC
Was I good?

PAMIE
Yes. You were very smiley. I’d buy cable from you.

ERIC
I’ll give ya some cable.

PAMIE
I’ve never worked out this late before.

ERIC
I like doing it late at night.

PAMIE
Now I’ll be up for hours.

ERIC
Really? I go right to sleep.

PAMIE
I don’t know. I did okay when Jeff and I used to work out at like the crack of dawn. I was up all day and stuff. But late at night I have a hard time falling asleep.

ERIC
Huh. Not me.

PAMIE
And back then it wasn’t such a chore. I found though that I work out harder if I’m listening to good music. Like when we were watching television, I’d slow down to laugh at “Friends,” but when I put on my headphones I just rock out. When Jeff and I used to go to the rec center I’d always bring Rage Against the Machine and then get on the rowing machine.

ERIC
“Fuck you I won’t row what you tell me!”

PAMIE
Yeah, I’m all pissy and rowing. Next thing I’d know, forty-five minutes had gone by.

(they get in the car)

ERIC
That’s a long time on the rowing machine. That’s good.

PAMIE
I was buff. Thin.

ERIC
You’re thin now.

PAMIE
It used to be much easier, though. I used to always be able to get my stomach all thin first, and now it’s like the hardest thing to get in shape for me.

ERIC
Well, you’re getting older, and those body parts aren’t going to get in shape like that anymore.

(pamie pours her chilled water bottle all over Eric’s crotch)

ERIC
Hey, that’s cold.

PAMIE
Yeah, it is.

ERIC
I could sue.

PAMIE
I think they’d just tell you that after a comment like that you should be happy I didn’t pour boiling water on you.

ERIC
I think I’d have a case, though.

PAMIE
Hardly. Not without an apology.

ERIC
You just poured ice water on me.

PAMIE
Yeah, don’t try and chase me, because I’d outrun you, old man.

ERIC
Oh, ha.
[/scripty]

Yeah, that’s the kind of thing you want to say right before your birthday week. That’s it. He’s getting nothing but Ricky Martin posters.

Leave a Reply