people are coming, for christ’s sake.

First: a joke for the Pittsburgh people. Have you seen the new Pennsylvania quarters? Yeah, you can tell by the Giant Iggle on the back.

Bah-dum-bum. Feel free to pass that one around, but give me credit.

Anyway…

Oh my God! There are people coming over to visit, you guys!

Like soon.

And I’m not just talking stee. He’s seen all of you before. I mean other people. SXSW people who may not know enough about you to know when you’re kidding or joking or…

Are you in your underwear? Come on, could you try and look sensible just for one weekend? Huh? HUH?

Oh, God. That’s it. I really can’t take you anywhere, can I?

Do you know that people are going to be coming over and they are going to be judging me and what you do is a reflection on me and why are you wearing that shirt? Take off the Mötley Crüe shirt. No one thinks you’re funny.

I heard that.

And I thought I asked you to pick up around here? Jesus, are those Cheetos in the rug? Cheetos in the rug! Well, I might as well just call all of Austin and cancel and tell them all not to come over because someone had a hot Cheetos appointment.

Ugh! Who’s wearing that stinky cologne? Go wash that off, you’ll kill someone. And you– go wash your face. You look like you’re auditioning for Bozo the Clown.

What’s that smell? What is that smell? Is that fish? You’re eating fish? I just cleaned the carpets! Oh, look at that. Now the cat’s dragged that fish stick under the bookcase and I’ll never get it out of there.

Jesus Christ, it’s like a zoo in here.

Who let Cal give a tour? Do you know what he did to the bedroom? There’s toilet paper all over my bed and clumps of kitty litter on my pillow.

Alright. I’m going to go for a walk and when I come back I want things to look pristine, do you hear me? And I want you to sit and read a few things. This is my article on how to behave during SXSW. And they cut some of my pointers, so I’m reprinting them here (ooh! the director’s cut!):

10. Don’t Be That Guy. Turn off your cell phone. Turn off your pager. Turn off your Palm Pilot’s alarm. Turn off your laptop’s internal speakers. Turn off your Walkman. Turn off your MP3 player. Shut. Up. Sit. Down.

12. Bathe. It’s okay to walk into an early seminar with your music wristband all tangled up, but try to get some of the bottle caps out of your hair before you get there. You’re real cool for having multiple passes, but don’t flaunt it with lousy hygiene. And you only need to carry one of the (free!) bags, okay?

13. Pay Attention. Don’t ask Rob Burgess what his inspiration was for American Pimp.

14. Don’t Be Cool. Do not ask to “Beam Me,” and then do that finger-shooting thing at me with your Palm Pilot. Don’t respond to one of my jokes with “Ell Oh Ell, my friend!” Don’t wear anything that says “Don’t Mess With Texas.” Don’t pretend you know Mike Judge. Don’t act like you’ve slept with Janis Joplin because you ate at Threadgills once.

And at least Omar was trying to help by offering some of the highlights.

And Mommy is going to be busy dancing with the girls from ChickClick so please support Mommy and her career by seeing all of the ChickClick sites she writes for.

Go read her new Get Real or her old Fametracker piece on “21 Jump Street” or some of her old hissyfits or even the way-old girlie style contribution.

See? Mommy wants to be in ChickClick too so that she can just keep telling you stories and never having to worry about other jobs again. Go make Mommy some money and talk nice about her. And if you’re coming to see her speak at her panel on Sunday, please keep your finger out of your nose.

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