weekend lessons

you pick up a few things here and there.

I’m going broke from everyone’s wish lists. It’s way too easy to just click and send. But in any event, thanks to Daniel, Erica and Kim, whose gifts arrived on Friday afternoon. Eric is starting to look jealous.

The weekend was spent shopping, performing, eating, and movie watching. Although none of those things are interesting when you just talk about them chronologically, they are a bit more entertaining when you just look at the lessons I learned from them:

1. When you look forward to sleeping in on the weekend, try not to sleep until one in the afternoon. That’s not “sleeping in.” That’s a coma. You wake up with half of your day gone and then you can’t sleep that night and end up sleeping until one the next day and then you try and go to sleep Sunday night but you can’t and then the PMS kicks in and you end up keeping Eric up way past two in the morning whining about how you’re fat and ugly and that no one is going to love you in five years. Just set the damn alarm for Pete’s sake.

2. If you are going to see another movie with Salma Hayek, make sure the next time they only show her with subtitles.

3. If you’re going to see another movie with Linda Fiorentino (see above link), then make sure you aren’t the least bit sleepy because that woman could be on fire and she’d still talk like she’s taken fifteen Benedryl.

4. “The Iron Giant.” “Pooh’s Grand Adventure.” Both are three-word phrases that mean “Big Crying Ball of Pitiful.” Don’t watch when trying to impress someone.

5. Don’t goof off at the top of metal staircases. And the worst is when you’re goofing like you’re going to fall down the stairs, and then you do. Just act like a grown-up for once in your damn life and sit still.

6. One glass of wine = very nice house guest. Three glasses of wine = “Who’s that drunk girl on your porch?”

7. People at Mall Kiosks have no sense of humor. Don’t try to lighten their day by playing with their products and pretending you don’t know what they do.

8. If the Kiosk Guy didn’t laugh the first time, don’t drag Eric back with you a second time to prove that what you were doing was truly funny.

9. Just because it says “All You Can Eat Bar-B-Que” doesn’t mean you have to. It’s not a dare. It’s just marketing. They don’t expect you to take that third plate.

10. Don’t eat at an “All You Can Eat Bar-B-Que” and then start crying because you’re a big fat fatty. Have some dignity, for God’s sake.

11. Popcorn can sometimes taste bad. You can take it back and get more.

12. Don’t apologize to the usher when you go to tell her that the film has no sound and she says that she can’t do anything about it because she doesn’t have a walkie talkie. It’s not your fault.

13. Tell Becca to stop telling everyone that people on the net think you’re dumb.

14. Realize you probably should have told your mother that you did in fact need some clothes for Christmas because it is finally turning into winter around here and it’s going to be thirty degrees tonight and Eric is getting tired of you wearing all of his clothes.

15. Even though Eric doesn’t want you looking in the office closet because he’s hidden all of your gifts in there, remember that he often forgets to shut that door. Don’t go all willy-nilly into the office if you don’t want to see all of your gifts. It’s hard to walk into a room sideways, so just ask Eric to check out the room before you go in there.

16. The cats will keep you up when you are trying to sleep by running around and being generally noisy. The cats will also keep you up when you are trying to sleep by being absolutely silent and hidden. They know what they are doing. You aren’t paranoid. They are fucking with your head.

17. Eric really doesn’t want to share his covers. Don’t make it sound like some sort of obligation. And waiting for him to fall asleep doesn’t work either because he wakes up the second you pull on one of those corners. Just be happy with the three blankets and six pillows that you already have.

18. When Cal is sitting on all of your guest’s laps and letting them pet him and playing cute games and they are all cooing and saying that he’s the best cat ever don’t shout, “He only does that for boys and guests. He never sits in my lap.” They don’t realize that you are telling the truth. They think you’re being a jealous bitch. Just stare back at Cal and give him the “I know who you really are” look. He knows what’s up.

19. When Eric watches fifteen minutes of every game that comes on it doesn’t mean that he “watches every game.” It’s only part of the game, so it doesn’t count. “Watching the game” takes four hours, so you should be happy that you only have to watch six different fifteen minute games.

20. You must find a time when Eric isn’t around to finish his Christmas shopping. You better figure out what you’re getting him. It’s not fair that everyone else is already done.

21. Sparks charges too much for wrapping paper.

22. Don’t forget to send out the last of the Christmas cards.

23. Find out if they make a soundtrack album to Bust a Groove.

24. It’s almost Christmas. Time to start wrapping and hiding, girlie.

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