it’s me! taylor!
Ih. Ih. Mah. Meh. Ih. Hih. Hih. Hih.
I have almost no time to talk to you people. ih….ih… I am typing as fast as my little paws will allow.
Ih. Ih. Mah. Meh.
Sorry, I am a bit out of breath.
Zee new creature iz nothing but a pain in my ass, people. Ih. Meh. Mah. Oh! He iz maddening, I tell you.
Okay. Example, yes? I waz just minding my own business, taking a stretch across the latest article pamie wrote for the paper, when all of a sudden that creature just jumped right on me and started biting my neck. Mon dieu! Biting my neck, people! I tried to get him off with a very-very forceful “Rrriiriirirrr. Grreerreeeee!” But he just would not stop, my friends. I got away and he chased me, turned me over and did it again!
Zis iz not my beautiful life, people.
Yesterday I hit him on zee head fifty-three timez in a row. Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam! Take that, you lowly stubby thing. He listened alright for like FIVE MINUTES and then it was back on my ass, back on my ass, back on my ass.
I waz thinking about dj1 fwosj vlivdkg rrrrrrrrijii GRRRRR sdfk dfef oh god help me my friends. ldfksdfdfefl he’z got my tail! ldfkvme sldkvenml ;3u907up dvmTsg254 24fg agbg fuckkiin gaslrktav;o v pih! lvkfvreve fso nooonl lvkrve;
Ih. Ih. Meh. Tell me I am fat. Meh. Meah. I will hit you three times, yes? Ih. wheh. whe. whe. whhha. whhhhooo.
Sorry. Cal (Pih!) does not like it when I sit on zee chair. Or by the chair. Or on zee couch. Or on zee bed. Or by pamie’s lap. He hates it when I eat, when I poop, when I sleep, when I FUCKING BREATHE!
Did I tell you the other day I had simply had enough, and so I went into his litter box, looked up at him and then I POOPED on his POOP! I just looked at him and I said, “Check this out, buddy” and I just let it go all over his poop. I did not try and keep the poop on the poop side. I let it go wherever the hell it wanted to go. I walked out, looked at him, and then I walked right back in and I peed on my poop on his poop.
That iz what I think of him, no?
Oh, it iz horrible, my lovely invisible friends. It iz really stressing me out, no? I do not want to tell you this, but I do trust you people so here it is… he has stressed me out so much that my acne has come back.
I cannot live this way, people! I cannot spend the rest of my life watching my ass and popping my zits and pooping on poop. This iz not a life! I cannot take it!
And really, I don’t know how to tell you this either, but I think the creature… well I think there is something stubby with his brain too, eh? This morning I was trying to hide in my little hidey-space under zee futon, and the creature just started running around in circles! Just running around, running around, jumping, leaping, turning, running all over zee land. And I tried to see what was chasing him and you know what? There was nothing chasing him! He iz crazy! He iz Crazy Running Creature and I quite frankly fear for our lives.
Oh…. oh… he sees me. Shhh! Be cool, eh? Just…everyone … keep … really …still. If he does not … see us… he will not att–f slkdivervlelk IHHH flv HHHHHEEEEEEEEE! Oh! Mon dieuuaAAhh…. little shitvs flsakdvjd, sldkiv5165128888888888888f