religious experience

pass the contribution plate

So there I was, sitting on the park bench, when a burning bush spoke to me….

…And no, that doesn’t mean I had a yeast infection.

It just burst into flames, sort of like the Human Torch…burning without getting burnt up. I was wondering why there never was a fireman around when you need one, when it spoke to me.

[scripty]
GODDESS:
I am the Alpha and the Omega. Kneel before me!

PAMIE:
I beg your pardon? Why should I kneel to a scorched shrub? And if you can talk, why aren’t you screaming, “HELP! HELP! I’M ON FIRE!!! PUT IT OUT, PUT IT OUUUUUTTTT!!!!!”, hmmm???

GODDESS:
But…

PAMIE:
And kneel before you? What do I look like, Monica Lewinsky in a late-night meeting with Bill Clinton?

GODDESS:
I’m your CREATOR.

PAMIE:
Mom?

GODDESS:
Well, sort of. Your mother in the sky.

PAMIE:
Oh. Where? The Andromeda Galaxy? Alpha Centauri? Was my mother grabbed by aliens and “probed” by fetuslike aliens? Fox Mulder, move over….

GODDESS:
No, no, no! You’re having a religious experience. You’re talking with the Creator of all things, the Goddess from whom all things come.

PAMIE:
What the fuck?

GODDESS:
Don’t use such language around me! Have some respect!

PAMIE:
Why? What’s wrong with ‘fuck’? If you’re the creator of all things, wasn’t fucking your idea? Didn’t you make the first animals fuck when you got tired of those stupid amoebas splitting in two? How could you be insulted by fucking?

GODDESS:
Well, I…

PAMIE:
Speaking of which….what were you thinking of when you made men reach their sexual peak at age eighteen, and women at age forty? Right when boobs start to sag and there’s more cellulite than muscle, you get your horniest? When you have the least chance of grabbing those horny eighteen-year-olds, and men your age are reaching for the Viagra?

GODDESS:
Well, I…

PAMIE:
Periods. Not making pregnancy voluntary. Premature ejaculation. Yeast infections. Sexually-transmitted diseases. What were you thinking of?

GODDESS:
I guess you’re right. Being omnipotent, I’ll just remake the universe where there is no sex, no orgasms, since you’re so dissatisfied with it….

PAMIE:
Wait a second!!! Let’s not be hasty….there are some real good things mixed up in there….and it would really piss Eric off!

GODDESS:
That’s better. It’s not nice to fool with Mother Nature…and other old ads. Now. I have chosen you as my prophet on-line…

PAMIE:
Me? Are you kidding? Do you know how many religious kooks are on-line? I’d be lost in the shuffle.

GODDESS:
You can do anything with Goddess on your side. Think of all the good you can do…

PAMIE:
Yeah, and think what happens to people who claim they’ve seen you. Moses wandered forty years in a desert. They crucified Jesus, and imprisoned Paul, burned Joan of Arc and hanged Joseph Smith….

GODDESS:
L. Ron Hubbard raked in the moolah, though. Joseph Smith had a virtual harem.

PAMIE:
Hmmm. You may have a point there.

GODDESS:
Imagine all the money you wanted…and your own male harem of eighteen year old willing studs when you reach your forties. Eric will still be there, but he’ll just be the first among many…

PAMIE:
Ooooohhhh….

GODDESS:
Imagine a captive audience, that feels it’s their duty to show up! Every performer’s Heaven.

PAMIE:
Oh. My. God.

GODDESS: Goddess. Goddesss. You’re salivating like Pavlov’s dog.

PAMIE:
Hey, before we shake on this, can I see what you really look like?

GODDESS:
You sure? Be careful what you ask for.

PAMIE:
C’monnnnn, everybody wants to know what you really look like….

GODDESS:
Done!

PAMIE: Oh. My. God.

GODDESS:
Ess! Ess! Goddess! Is that so hard? But I don’t blame you for being taken aback.

PAMIE:
I just had no idea you looked just like…

GODDESS:
Cher? Except with no signs of lifts, surgery, or anything? I know. Startled the hell out of Moses on Mt. Sinai, let me tell you….
[/scripty]

So that’s why I’m now the High Priestess of Pamie’s Panties, I’m currently working on Bill Gates, trying to get him to tithe to me. Ten per cent of what he makes would be a nice start. Brad Pitt I want to admit to my “inner circle”. I’m going to make Celine Dion and Ross Perot both take a vow of silence.

I’ll build palaces and temples which will make what I’ve seen in Vegas look tame. Reading Squishy will be required, like facing Mecca is for believers in Islam. I’ll have a guaranteed friendly audience every time I face my followers. Hecklers will be excommunicated and/or burned at the stake. Critics will be definitely burned at the stake!

What a sweet deal. Oh. My. God…

(Thunder rumbles, and a flash of lightning fills the sky.)

Ess! Ess! GodDESS!

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