she’s just a baby

Because it’s about time I talked about her.

Because I’m tired of hearing about her.

Because I can’t get her damn song out of my head.

I shall share my pain with you.  This pain is known as Britney Spears.

A random poll found this information:

[scripty]
PAMIE
What do you think of Britney Spears?

MALE POLLER 1
Her song has a pretty good bass line.  She’s pretty cute.

PAMIE
What do you think of Britney Spears?

MALE POLLER 2
Oh, her music sucks.  But she’s hot.

PAMIE
What do you think of Britney Spears?

FEMALE POLLER 1
Thanks a lot.  I had just gotten that damn song out of my head.

PAMIE
What do you think of Britney Spears?

FEMALE POLLER 2
The girl who used to be a Mouseketeer?

PAMIE
What do you think of Britney Spears?

MALE POLLER 3
Who?
[/scripty]

To recap:  we don’t like her song.  We think she’s hot.

But who is Britney Spears?

BASICS

Full Name:Britney Jeau Spears
Birthday:December 2,1981
Birthplace:Kentwood, Louisiana
Parents:Jamie and Lynne Spears
Siblings:Bryan, 21, and Jamie Lynn, 8
Nicknames:Bit-Bit, Brit
Hair:Light Brown
Eyes:Brown
Height:5’4
Weight:105 lbs
Hobbies:Seeing movies,
shopping, riding her go-kart
Enjoys:Swimming, beach, reading
romance novels
Influences:Whitney Houston, Otis
Redding, Mariah Carey

FAVORITES

Sports: Golf, tennis, basketball, swimming
Sports Teams:New York Yankees, Chicago Bulls
Actors:Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson
Movies:Steel Magnolias, My Best Friends’ Wedding
Foods:Pizza, pasta, hot dogs
Ice Cream:Cookie Dough
Drink:Sprite
Color:Baby Blue
Singers:Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston,Prince, Michael Jackson
Groups:3rd Eye Blind, BSB,Aerosmith
Designers:Betsey Johnson,Bebe,A/X
Store:The Gap
Disney Character:Goofy

(courtesy of Britney Spears Pics)

She seems like your average teen, right?  That’s because she is a teen.  She’s seventeen.  That’s all I really remembered about her.  I couldn’t remember what she looked like.  Honestly, after seeing her video twice, all I remember is her belly button and her lazy eyes.

She’s a walking, singing navel.  Really, that’s it.

And now the unconfirmed rumors are in that she’s got breast implants.  Implants that would have gone in around the time she was sixteen.  Who gives their daughter breast implants at sixteen?  Is it not bad enough that you have to compete for boys with the morphing hormonally charged body you’re given in high school that now you have to compete with the girl who’s got lipo and a titty job?  How can you compete with that?  You can’t!  You are so not going to the prom with Henry.

I loved the Spice Girls.  I use the past tense there because it seems that their time is up.  I liked their message of Girl Power and friendship.  They were not about getting a man, or showing skin to attract the basketball player.  Britney sends the message that the more you show, the bigger you pump, the more you change your body and stomp around– the closer you get to being what a man wants.

She looks like a porn girl.   “Dolls make you look girlie, push-up bras and hot pants make you look sexy.  The combination of the two makes you famous.”

This one just makes me feel creepy.  I don’t think it needs any more of an explanation.

This girl went on Rolling Stone like this.  She states Mariah Carey as one of her idols.  No kidding, right?  The difference is that Mariah is several years older than this girl, and when she does it, it’s not exploitation.  This is teen exploitation.

She’s not even a girl anymore.  She’s barely a woman.  She’s a toy.  She’s been sculpted to raise pulses, and trained to sing low enough that everyone asks, “She’s seventeen?  Really!”

But, to be fair, I did listen to what others had to say:

Maybe you’ll just have to think a bit harder about why you hate her, and not base it on the superficial reasons of how she dresses (she dressed like that ONE time, she doesn’t go out on the streets like that), how she looks (if you think shes ugly, deal with it, dont yell it out o make yourself feel better) or that she’s tight with N Sync (and SOME of you N Sync fans only hate her because there was a rumour goin around about her gettin with “your man” Justin. I know this is true because Ive been emailed about this). And even if you STILL don’t like Britney, I couldn’t care less.

But I really want to yell it out.  It does make me feel better.  I don’t like her.  I think she’s a terrible role model for girls.  I do.

It’s hard for little girls to find someone to look up to.  In the music business we see women being cosmetically altered to look as close to a Barbie doll as humanly possible.  Toni Braxton?  Mariah Carey?  Even Whitney.

We can’t become these women.  But little girls don’t know that.  That’s why we’re seeing so many eating disorders these days.  As much as I mock Alanis or Jewel or Joan Osborne, at least they look like women.  At least they have hips and crooked teeth and hair that sometimes is out of control.  At least they are human.

But Britney Spears is a part of this youth culture that scares me.  Perfect Poppy Robots that just churn out single after single that is the background for whatever film that they are doing for “the kids” where they take a movie that’s already been made and recast it and somewhat update the script and make it a high school film instead.  The latest one that has me in a tizzy is “Idle Hands” which looks a whole heck of a lot like “Evil Dead 2” without the charm or wit.

But it doesn’t matter.  I’m complaining for nothing, I know I am.  I guess that’s what is so annoying.  She’s Debbie Gibson in a halter top.  She’s Tiffany with a nose job.  And a boob job.  And lipo.  Ugh, it’s disgusting, it really is.  Does anyone else get mad about this?

When I was a kid I wanted to be Madonna.  I wanted to be Cyndi Lauper.  I wanted to be Janet Jackson.  This was before they hired trainers and worked out three to six hours a day.  This was before hair had to be just so and your look was more important than your beat.  This was when all three of them looked like women.  I loved Madonna’s tummy.  I loved Cyndi’s hair.  I loved Janet’s bulky look.  It made them all womanly.  It made their voices stronger.

I’m not mad at Britney Spears.  I’m mad that we like her.  I just can’t believe that no one feels wrong about the way she’s been forced to present herself.  Brandy and Monica don’t even go to these extremes to look more adult.

And now that you’ve seen all of these pictures of her, let me ask you a question:  what do you remember about her?  Her bio?  Her eyes?  I bet you remember her navel.  Her breasts.  Her hand forever poised on that chin.  For a girl with new boobies, she sure covers them up a lot.

Who gives their daughter breast implants and liposuction for their sixteenth birthday?  Who does that?  What doctor alters a body that isn’t finished growing?  I had friends who had to get breast reduction surgery because of back problems and the doctors wouldn’t do it until they were finished growing.  They waited until their twenties.

Welcome to the new age of pop.  Little girls who look like women.  We weren’t satisfied with LeAnn Rimes.  We wanted a girl even more processed.  It’s like a game of dress-up taken too far.  At least LeAnn is allowed to put on some pants every once in a while.  And smile.  After these chin photos, you’d be hard pressed to find Britney smiling anywhere.

And her songs!  They are all about being meaningless and lost and desperate without a boy.  I am nothing without you.  My loneliness is killing me.  I can’t breathe unless you are holding my hand.  I am just a big pile of girl parts unless you call me on Friday.

It’s not like anyone is amazed with her talent.  I could forgive it all if she just was talented.  If she could sing and write and all that stuff was hers and she was beautiful, then hey, I’d shutup.  But what she promotes is, “It’s not very good, but I can shake my ass.”

If you’d like to see more pictures of Britney’s hand on her chin, check out the following places:

Britney Spears Pics
britneynews.com
britneyspears.org
britney spears
britney spears
britney spears

an anti-britney site

2 thoughts on “oh, baby baby

  1. Not sure if the author will even read this, since my comment is a little after 1999 lol but I want to say when I first heard “Baby one more time” I remembered her lovely voice, the catchy-ness and the simplicity of the song. The video–I remembered not only her navel but her smile, awesome dancing skills and her beautiful eyes.

    1. I agree and I also remember EVERYONE knowing who she was and exactly what she looked like….not to mention I don’t actually buy that you talked to those “pollers” because they would all say “I know her, she’s hot, and the song is awesome” OR “She’s a bad influence on little girls” but what eves no one actually fallows this site.

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