sex tips

with side coaching

 

Because it’s important for us to get out and see more than the usual bookmarks that line our browsers, I took the liberty to go searching on other sites to see what they have to offer.  Today we will be looking at Glamour magazine, specifically, the Pleasure Tips.  It seems to be a random tip generator, so let’s see what “pops up,” shall we?  I’m always willing to learn a few things… We’ll just use the pronoun “he” here, since they do, and they don’t care what gender you like.

Here’s the first one:

When making love,
don’t forget the
feet — an often
neglected
erogenous zone.
First, wash and dry
his feet, then press
your thumbs into his
heel, moving
toward the arch
and toes, pulling
gently on each one.
If he’s not ticklish,
try kissing and
sucking his toes as
well.

I like how it says “When making love.”  The image in my head is that in the midst of the throws of passion, you smack yourself in the head, push him away and scream, “I forgot your feet!”  Then you run into the kitchen, fill a bowl with soap and water, grab a dishtowel and clean his feet.  “Just one second, loverboy, but I can’t put these things near my fingers until I hose them down.”  And I thought it said to clean them so you could suck his toes or something, but no. It’s just to rub them.  What a wuss!

Oh, and I’ve tried that toe pulling thing.  It usually results in you activating a foot reflex that makes you get kicked in the face.

Moving right along:

Resist the urge to
make love for a few
days and set an
exact date and time
to “break the fast.”
In the meantime,
tease each other
with deep kissing,
erotic massage and
light stroking,
especially on the
breasts and
buttocks.
Sometimes, building
anticipation is the
most delicious
foreplay of all.

Oh, my ass.  This never works.  If you’ve found a way to make it work, then I’ve got a book for you.

I’m just moving on here…

Don’t neglect his
nipples — men’s are
often extremely
sensitive. Try gently
sucking on one
while caressing the
other lightly. Men,
like women, vary in
terms of how firmly
they like to be
stimulated, so ask
him what feels best.

And when you find out that he thinks it’s the creepiest feeling in the world, then you’d better back off.  I like that sucking one while caressing the other action there, I can just see me trying this move out and then thinking, “wax on, wax off.”

these tips suck…

oh, it’s the nipple one again.  Twice in a row…. moving on…

Instead of rushing
through
lovemaking,
pretend you’re
being documented
by slow-motion
camera. Prolong a
kiss or move your
tongue over his
body, inch by inch.
The molasses-like
pace will make
your connection
infinitely more
sensual.

And your thighs give out when you are slow-motioning over his stomach.  Also, can you imagine that slow motion as you come in to kiss?  All Chariots of Fire and shit?  “Iiiiiimmmmm gooooing to kiiiiiissssss yoooouu nooooooww.”

I’d just end up giggling.  And talking to the documentary camera.  “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are in for a real treat here tonight.  It looks like the male is taking the socks off the female.  Usually these are left on and forgotten about, but it looks like tonight, there may be a removal of the socks.  This shows the male is interested in making the female comfortable, and would possibly like to take her feet into his hands.  There’s the large soapy water bowl!  It looks like she may get a foot rub after all!  Back to you, Dave.”

And then I’d get in trouble for saying another man’s name in bed.  It’s not worth it.

Add some fire (and
ice) to your sex life.
Bring a pot of tea
and a few ice cubes
into the bedroom,
then take a sip of
tea and apply your
warm mouth to
your lover’s most
sensitive parts.
Suck on an ice
cube and repeat,
alternating hot and
cold. Have him do
the same to you.
You’ll find that
opposites really do
spark passion.

Tried it.  Burned him.  Never again.

Next!

Oh, the nipple one again!  What’s with you guys and your nipples?

Washing each
other’s hair can be
erotic. Sit at one
end of the tub and
have your lover sit
or lie between your
legs, his back to
you. Apply
shampoo, then
massage his scalp
with gentle but firm
pressure to his
temples, the backs
of his ears and the
base of his hairline.
Throw in a shoulder
rub for good
measure and rinse
with pitchers of
warm, then cool
water. Then switch
positions and have
him do the same to
you.

Eric does wash my hair on occasion, and it’s one of my favorite things.  But this is standing up.  When’s the last time you tried sitting in a tub with someone?  Someone’s knees are in pain, and the other person has half their torso freezing.  Just play hairdresser and have one person completely clothed.  That’s much more fun.

okay:

For an instant gift
that your partner
will love,write out
an IOU promising a
sensuous or erotic
service that he can
cash in at his
leisure. Some
possibilities: a full
body massage (or
mini hand and foot
rubs), a private
striptease, a
blindfolded
adventure or a
suggestive phone
call while he’s at the
office.

[scripty]
ERIC
Education, this is Eric speaking, how may I help you?

PAMIE
Hey, baby.

ERIC
Hi.

PAMIE
hhhhhhuuuhhhhhuhhh

ERIC
You okay?

PAMIE
huhhhhuuhhhh what are you wearing?  huuhhhuhhh

ERIC
Quit fucking around.  I’m busy.

PAMIE
huuhhhhuhhhh

ERIC
And what is that noise?  Are you okay?

PAMIE
I’m breathing sensually.

ERIC
Is there something I can help you with?

PAMIE
huuuhhhuhhh i’m hot for you huuhhuhh

ERIC
huuuhhhhuhhh I’m really busy.

PAMIE
huuhhhuhhh could you pick up milk on the way home?  huhhhuhh

ERIC
hhuhhhuhh yeah huhuhhuh

PAMIE
hhuuhthhhank youhuuuhh
[/scripty]

If your partner
usually takes the
lead in bed, declare
a Sadie Hawkins
night, where you
direct the action. (If
you’re typically the
aggressor, let him
call the shots.) The
role reversal is
likely to be a
turn-on for both of
you.

On my Sadie Hawkins night I’ll make sure we wear matching shirts and slow dance to “Silent Lucidity” by Queensryche.  At least, that’s how they did it when I was back at school.  I’ll make him take me to dinner at Taco Bell, and I’ll call my mom every half hour to tell her that I’m fine.  Then I’ll make out with him, but not let him put his hand up my shirt, and then when he tries to put his hand in my pants, I’ll tell him I’m on my period.

uh… nipples, bath, iou, nipples, feet, iou, feet, bath, feet, tea, feet… That appears to be it.

I hope you took something away from our little trip to another website.  Be careful out there.  And don’t do that tea thing.  It really does burn, man.

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