on tour

we go twenty minutes away to learn new slang

We had a show last night in San Marcos. That’s about 45 miles away from Austin… towards San Antonio. We had a show at a bar called the Green Parrot. Last year when we were there Vanilla Ice was playing there. It’s that kind of bar. We had nine people show up. That makes for an interesting show… going on the road, all of you jazzed and whacked out from sitting in the car drinking caffeine, and then there’s no one who came to see you. You all went there to this different city, but no one in that city cared enough to come see you. And the bar closed at midnight, which was strange. But I made ten dollars. Oh, yeah, people. Ten bucks. You can’t stop me.

I’m getting excited about going home next week. I haven’t been home in a while… since my mother’s birthday in August. It’ll be nice to see the family and the dog and eat my father’s turkey (which is really good) and just not think about work or comedy for a couple of days. It will be nice to get in the car and drive with Eric somewhere. Houston isn’t that far away, mind you, but a couple of hours in the car with me is enough.

Case in point, the drive home with me, last night. Four members of my troupe and me.

[scripty]
PAMIE
I don’t know how to get home.

MATT
Dude, turn left here.

PAMIE
Dude! Okay!

MATT
Why are you calling me dude?

PAMIE
You called me dude.

MATT
No I didn’t.

KATEY
You said, “Dude, turn left here.”

MATT
No, I didn’t.

PAMIE
You so said “dude.”

MATT
No, I stuttered.

PAMIE
You stuttered?

MATT
I stutter slang.

PAMIE
Really?

MATT
Yeah, like, if I want to say, “Would you like a beer?” sometimes I stutter and it’ll come out, “Awesome, my homie is here.”

PAMIE
I see.

MATT
You know my favorite slang word right now?

PAMIE
Dude?

MATT
NO! I did not say dude!

PAMIE
And you don’t even say it right, you were all like “dood” with two “o’s”

MATT
Like in BASEketball? I thought that was pretty funny.

PAMIE
Except Eric and I made it up first.

MATT
Really? Trey and Matt stole your idea?

PAMIE
Yeah, except we do it with “Baby.” Like, “Baby.” “Baaabee?” “BABY!” “baby…baby…baby.”

KATEY
I get it.

MATT
That’s pretty funny.

PAMIE
So what’s your favorite new slang word?

MATT
NATCH!

PAMIE
Okay!

MATT
What?

PAMIE
You’re like, so angry about it.

MATT
Natch!

PAMIE
I’m like, “Do I turn left here?” And you’re like, “NATCH!”

MATT
It’s fun to yell.

CODY
“Hey! Get me some smokes! NATCH!”

MATT
You want to get on the highway right here.

PAMIE
NATCH!

MATT
Oh, that was right in my ear.

PAMIE
You’re right, that is fun.

MATT
Tinseltown? Is that a new movie theatre?

KATEY
Yeah, dude, stadium seating.

CODY
Roomy.

MATT
So you guys have been there?

PAMIE
NATCH!

MATT
NATCH!

PAMIE
There’s like, lots of room between you and the next aisle.

MATT
So, it’s roomy?

PAMIE
Yeah. And the arm rests go up so you can snuggle.

CODY
Snuggling is important.

MATT
Snuggle?

PAMIE
Or pick pockets, you know, whatever you’re into.

MATT
NATCH!

PAMIE
NATCH!

KATEY
Okay, with the “natch!”

PAMIE
But don’t lift the armrest when you’ve got a coke in there or the people behind you will get mad.

KATEY
OOOOOKAY!

(moment of silence in the entire car.)

PAMIE
Was that “okay I won’t do that” or an “okay, I’ve heard enough of you now?”

MATT
Yeah, Katey, which one?

KATEY
No, I was saying that I wouldn’t put the armrest up and spill my coke on the people.

PAMIE
Oh.

MATT
Because it sounded like you just had enough of Pam talking.

CODY
I have.

PAUL
Yeah, shutup, Pam.

PAMIE
Paul hasn’t spoken in, like, an hour and when he does it’s because he’s sick of me.

MATT
NATCH!

PAMIE
You natch, bitch. You’re the… natch.
[/scripty]

And by then the car trip was over. And tonight when I’m on stage, I’m sure someone is screaming “Natch” at me before I know what to do, and the audience won’t know why I’m laughing hysterically.

I’m training someone at work. I’m like the worst trainer, because I get so impatient with my job that I don’t want to sit through someone trying to learn it, you know? So I’m like, “Just click here, and here, and here. Click that. And that. Now type that. Click. Click. You’re done.” And I’m sure they didn’t learn a thing, but I just don’t want to sit through my job dissected into all of its boring parts. Just get it done, you know? But I just want people to know about the mechanics and I want to help with the specifics…”What do we do if…” “What happens when…” That kind of thing. “What do I click now?” always makes me nervous. Plus they are learning on my machines… so there’s the element of like a guest at the house. Is my desk clean enough? Are my machines in an easy area to use? Should I throw away that Coke can from three days ago? What about that Kleenex? Why am I such a slob?

Because I can be.

NATCH!

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