the walk of shame

[/scripty]

And then somehow we ended up making art.

We were doing those drawings where you look at the person, but not at the paper and you draw their portrait. They ended up being so hysterical. We kept drawing them.

[scripty]
PAMIE
This one is great.

CHUY
I look like Stevie Wonder.

PAMIE
Okay, this time they will be a two paneled series. You on this side and me on this side.

CHUY
We could make money off these. We should sell them at Kerbey or West Lynn.

PAMIE
Easily $500 each.

CHUY
We should frame them.

PAMIE
(going to closet, pulling out two frames and running back into room)
I have to be at the show in twenty minutes.

CHUY
No problem.
[/scripty]

We framed them, made labels, and hung them in twenty minutes. This is actually harder than it sounds since the frames had no glass and no mounting cardboard.. so we had to scotch tape the drawings to the frames… and Word is out on my computer at home, so I had to make an html document and print that up, and hot glue them to the frames and the frames had no hooks, so we had to make hooks to hang the frames… but in twenty minutes our drawings were hanging in my hallway.

“Chuy on Phone”
Pamie
Ink on Paper
1998

“Pam on Crack”
Chuy
Ink on Paper
1998

We thought we were brilliant. I’m not kidding, we laughed the whole night thinking about them… just waiting for Eric to get home and see them. Waiting for the rest of our friends to come over and see them. I think Eric was the only one to really think they were funny… but he’s also the only one that never heard us giggling about them ahead of time.

Did the show… that was okay… the show had it’s moments. I decided that it was time for me to take a little break from the troupe. No performances or rehearsals for two weeks.

We heard a rumor that Saturday at the apartment complex down the street from me there was going to be a rock and roll talent show with Matthew McConaughey and Sandra Bullock as judges. We heard that E! Entertainment and MTV was going to be there. We were skeptical… but it didn’t even matter because Eric got Chuy and me two tickets for Saturday’s Ice Bats game. Not just any two tickets. He got us box seats. Right behind the goalie. Better seats than you can ever get for these games because they sell out a year in advance. We were so stoked. The game was much more important than seeing Sandra or Matthew.

We were talking about our drawings and I decided to draw Chuy’s wife Cathy. She pulled a blanket over her head. I drew a lumpy figure. “There you are, Cathy,” I said.

“I look like the Grand… Butte… of Arizona,” she said.

“I’d like to be the President of the Grand Butte of Arizona,” Chuy said.

And it was so declared.

Saturday

Decided that before I cleaned my entire house I’d go out to lunch. Got halfway to the door and the phone rang. It was the producer of my troupe telling me that we had secured the gig at the rock and roll talent show being emcees. It would be in my best interests to go. He said that it could be a very good thing. I had to tell Chuy that I couldn’t go to the game. I was pissed. I didn’t want to do the show, but he said that there weren’t enough people that he got ahold of. The last thing that people want to see at a rock concert between sets is improv comedy. Nevertheless I said I’d go.

It was decided that I’d go at six, and if it was lame I’d leave and we’d go the game anyway. I showed up at the apartment gate: “Do you have a ticket?”
“No, I’m performing.”
“Oh, who are you?”
“I’m with Monks’ Night Out.”
“OH! Here’s your VIP badge and your wristband.”

Aw yeah.

So I show up and they say, “Where’s Chuy? He’s performing too.” So I call him and tell him to come down, because he didn’t know he was performing.

Matthew and Sandra have canceled. Matthew’s mother was there, though. She judged. And the CEO of Paul Mitchell.

Let me spare you the gory details of people staring at us like we were morons while we all tried to fit on a stage that was about two feet wide and six feet long over a pool and behind three drum sets. Here’s the highlights: Matt’s microphone went out during his stand-up set, prompting him to scream, “I wish I was dead!” Twice we were told that there was nothing for us to do only to be told that we were on in three minutes. Paul Mitchell and Matthew’s mother left halfway through the competition. The audience would only shout out suggestions like “BEER!” “ANAL!” “CLITORIS!” I sang like Alanis Morrisette to the word “Fuck.” (by audience suggestion) Matt jumped in the pool. We all wondered what we were doing with our lives.

We did have a good time, which is because all liquor and beer were free and we had VIP badges which allowed us to go into the heated clubhouse whenever we weren’t onstage. By ten the concert was running late, so they canceled all further comedy. Everyone left but me and Chuy, who went to check out the judges section. We sat down next to the candles.

“Have you two filled out your ballots for this band?”

“Oh, no, we aren’t judges.”

“You are now.”

So I was Sandra Bullock and Chuy was Matthew McConaughey. The guy next to me who I knew from college introduced himself as Paul Mitchell. Next to him was a lady who worked at the same company I do. She was calling herself Matthew’s mother.

“I can’t believe we went from the VIPs to the emcees to the JUDGES!” I yelled, as someone handed me a pizza. “The judges need FOOD!” someone shouted.

The band that Chuy and I liked the most won. They got a trip to Cancun. I can’t help feeling like I did something good. They were really good.

We turned down the after hours party due to the fact that we were freezing and I had to get up early in the morning. I went to bed early with an amazing headache and my ass frozen.

Sunday

I had to get up at seven to shoot my scene for InterneTV’s new series Bartenders. Look for me online in early 1999 in a quick scene. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted. Anyway, I was there for two hours to film three lines. I ate bananas and drank beer and smoked cigarettes. The bananas were my choice. The rest was for the scene. I went home incredibly sick to my stomach.

I swore off beer.

I got up an hour later to go to the Steelers game and watch them win. Then we went to my friends engagement party where we drank wine and ate pizza and sat around for a couple of hours. It was a blast. We recapped the talent show highlights for everyone (The Ice Bats lost the game). “I like it when you bring your posse,” the bride-to-be said to me.

We were exhausted when we finally got home. We watched some television (I make that sound like we just watched a bit… we watched the Metallica Behind the Music (kind of twice), Howard Stern, The X Files, the Simpsons, MTV Sex in the 90’s polyamory AND masturbation episodes, and various sports highlights) and sat around and talked for a while. I dealt black jack to everyone for a while (we are going to Vegas in six weeks, people, we’ve got to practice). Eventually it was just me, Chuy, Cathy and Eric.

[scripty]
ERIC
So, can I be the Treasurer of the Grand Butte of Arizona?

CHUY
Sure you can.

PAMIE
I’m the Postmaster General of the Grand Butte of Arizona.

CHUY
We need a motto.

PAMIE
Where lesbians are always free.

ERIC
And you can double-down on any hand.

CHUY
I like it.

CATHY
Wait, “where lesbians are always free?” Don’t I get a say in the matter since I am the founder of the Grand Butte of Arizona?

CHUY
No, because I’m the president.

ERIC
Why isn’t she the President?

CHUY
Because I am. I’m also the dictator.

ERIC
And you and Pam are the official artists of the Grand Butte of Arizona.

PAMIE
So I’m the Commissioned Artist and Postmaster General of the Grand Butte of Arizona.

CATHY
Wait! Don’t I get a say in this?

PAMIE
You don’t control your government. Look, we’ll let you have a reservation in Grand Butte and you can open a casino, how’s that?

CATHY
A casino?

PAMIE
Here, take this blanket.

ERIC
Small pox!

PAMIE
Just take it, don’t worry, it’s a gift.

CATHY
When did we become such absolute assholes?

CHUY
Now, THERE’S a motto!

ERIC
Absolute assholes.

PAMIE
Oh, we can get a campaign going with Absolut, and the bottle is there shaped like the Grand Butte of Arizona, but you see all of our faces in the bottle, and it says “Absolut Assholes.”

ERIC
Brilliant.

PAMIE
And The Grand Butte of Arizona is the Official Butte of the 1998 Nagano Olympic Games.

CHUY
I’m the official Mexican of the Grand Butte of Arizona.

ERIC
But I’m the official Honorary Mexican of the 1998 Nagano Olympic Games, don’t forget.

CHUY
How could I?
[/scripty]

So you see, with all of this comedy around, it was really hard for me to update. But here’s my past three days, all laid out for you. What do you think?

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