I’m such an asshole.

Here is my public apology.

Dear stee and Dan,

I resisted looking up the rules, because once stee was so adamant that I was wrong, I started to realize that my fifteen-year old recollection of the nuances of scoring pool might be a bit… off. But I couldn’t resist Wonder Killing myself. Continue reading

rule of pam: the worse you look, the more likely you will run into old friends

There is never a good time for you to wear your own t-shirt.

I said this to stee last night as we got ready for the Rilo Kiley concert. I had just finished posting this, and realized I hadn’t worn mine yet.

“Your Wonder Killer shirt?” stee asked. “You should wear it. It’s not like it says ‘pamie.com’ on it, or anything.”

I wore the shirt, under a hoodie. stee was right. It’s not like anybody at the Wiltern would have any idea I was wearing my own t-shirt. I’d been feeling ill all day, so I pulled my hair into pigtails, wore my comfiest jeans and said, “Fuck it; we’re going to be in the dark all night.”

So, of course, the first people we run into when we hit the theater are these girls.

Ziiiiiiiip.

When seeing the girls who judge fashion as a serious hobby for the first time in probably over a year, do you:

A) Meet them with a hoodie zipped up to your neck, making you look like you might be hiding a pregnant belly.
B) Meet them wearing your own t-shirt, when they are not wearing the shirts they sold the exact same month.
C) Worry about what you look like because they’re both so cute and why didn’t you at least put on some lip gloss before you went out in public because you’re at the Wiltern. Jesus.

Answer: all of the above.

We had seats for the concert, between a row of parents watching their kids down in general admission and a row of kids who were pissed off that the show was so late they’re were going to miss it because of their curfew. Just when I thought I was done being dorky, the band brought out Debbie Gibson, and I lost all cool singing “Lost In Your Eyes” at full volume. Haven’t heard that song in — what, fifteen years at least? Sure knew every word.

(I wish she had done “Foolish Beat.”)

The Coolest Thing That Didn’t Happen To Me This Week:

[readermail]
Hey Pamie,

Today I was wearing my brand-spankin’ new Wonder Killer t-shirt for the 1st time. I went to hear David Sedaris read and get my books signed. He’s very cool and funny. He was talking to those of us in the 1st 3 or so rows and signing our books. When he got to me he said, “Can I sign that book for you…Wonder Killer? Heh. Wonder Killer.”

How great is that?

That’s all, I just wanted to share my Sedaris story. The 3 hours early I went to the bookstore were totally worth it! You should come sign books in Oklahoma — I’d wear the shirt again and totally buy you a beer after.

Sarah
[/readermail]

Three Stories

LA Story

I felt my first real earthquake today. I mean one where I knew an earthquake was about to hit and then it did. I sat through lots of earthquakes when I lived in Palm Springs as a kid, but I don’t really remember them. We lived above the laundry facility at a hotel, so we often thought it was the machines rumbling when it was actually a quake.

One happened when Dan first moved here to LA, but I was drying my hair at the time and thought Ray was doing some dumb-ass shit underneath the apartment. By the time I realized the world was shaking, the earthquake had finished. Continue reading

pamie.com Cool Kids, Take Five

We’ve had close to two hundred donations in less than one week. Thank you so much for raising over seven thousand dollars for children in Kancheepuram. Based on the Rupee to dollar conversion, the goal is now $11,428 to have every child sponsored. (that’s four hundred dollars more than I thought it was. I’m not so good with the Rupees.) We’re more than halfway there, with less than four thousand to go!

Donations! Continue reading

Can You Handle My Truth?

Okay, seriously.

I’m still feeling bad about the other week, when I had too much wine and ended up forcing friends of mine to watch old videos of me in high school because I couldn’t believe how funny it was that my voice used to be deeper, and my friends were so funny, and I did so many funny things with a camera.

And I only subjected three people to that. Continue reading

Only Four Days Left!

An original Glarkware Now or Never: ships may 31

Get your own Wonder Killer t-shirt.

The perfect shirt for the Know-It-All in your life who can’t help but tell the people at the next table the answer to the question they’re pondering. You know, the one who starts all of his or her sentences with the word “Actually?” The one who’s always shouting at the television screen: “It’s ‘Christopher Reeve,’ not ‘Christopher Reeves’!” The one who corrects the teacher, edits your email replies and thinks it’s the best game ever to find typos in the newspaper. Continue reading

Pamie.com T-Shirt Alert!

An original Glarkware Now or Never: ships may 31

Get your own Wonder Killer t-shirt.

The perfect shirt for the Know-It-All in your life who can’t help but tell the people at the next table the answer to the question they’re pondering. You know, the one who starts all of his or her sentences with the word “Actually?” The one who’s always shouting at the television screen: “It’s ‘Christopher Reeve,’ not ‘Christopher Reeves’!” The one who corrects the teacher, edits your email replies and thinks it’s the best game ever to find typos in the newspaper.

It’s you, isn’t it? You’re the Wonder Killer and your friends hate you. Hide in shame no longer! Wear your superpower like the superhero you are.

Wonder Killers, Unite!

This item is only available to order until April 30th. The shirt will ship May 31st. You snooze, you lose, so order today!

It’s pretty. It’s red. It tells the world what you already know. You’re a Wonder Killer.

Wonder Killer

I no longer trust anyone using a pay phone.

I realized that the other week, watching someone hunched over a pay phone, reading something off a crumpled piece of paper. Was he lost? What was he doing? Sure, not everybody can afford a cell phone, I know that. But homeboy’s standing next to a Pizza Hut and a Blockbuster, and he doesn’t have any other access to a phone? Not a friend with a cell phone? Couldn’t ask me to use my phone? I’d rather loan someone my cell than force them to use a pay phone. Because if you’re using a pay phone, you’re selling drugs. I mean, sell drugs, but have the decency to do it loudly on a cell phone, walking down the street, chatting for all to hear like everyone else in this town. Don’t be so obvious, hunching over a phone that has a … cord. Continue reading