scene from a bachelorette party

[scripty]
ALEX
So, um, pamie. How are you holding up? …You know, with the whole Johnny Depp thing.

PAMIE
What? WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?

ALEX
Oh. I thought you would have known. His kid is sick.

PAMIE
Really? Which one?

ALEX
I… well, I didn’t know he had more than one.

PAMIE
HE HAS TWO.

ALEX
Okay. The one with the weird name.

PAMIE
Lily Rose? What’s wrong?

ALEX
I guess she got a cut? And it got infected?

PAMIE
Is it staph or sepsis?

ALEX
Um…

PAMIE
STAPH OR SEPSIS?

ALEX
Jesus! I don’t know. Ask Katey. She probably knows.
[/scripty]

[Katey is the only person I’ve ever known whose dedication to All Things Depp rivals mine.]

[scripty]
PAMIE
Katey! Katey! How’s Lily Rose?

KATEY
She’s fine. She’s okay.

PAMIE
Good. Hey, do you know about the movie that’s so good that I haven’t been able to sleep since I found out about it?

KATEY
I can’t wait to find out.

PAMIE
It doesn’t exist yet, but when I tell you about it, you’re never going to sleep again.

KATEY
Tell me.

PAMIE
Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are doing Wuthering Heights.

[A moment of silence as four women lose their breath.]

KATEY
That’s…

PAMIE
I know. I know!

KATEY
Oh. Oh, my God.

LIZ
I just… God, I want to fuck that movie so hard.

PAMIE
I know! I want that movie inside of me.

KATEY
I so need that movie in me.

PAMIE
Right now. In me. Right here. I want that movie on my face. I want that movie screaming my name.

LIZ
Oh, my God. That is a seriously hot movie.

PAMIE
Even if it sucks, it’s going to be SO AWESOME.

LIZ
I want to bend that movie over and just… oh, man!

KATEY
Why isn’t everybody talking about this all the time?

JESSICA
You know what would make that movie better? If they switched the roles. If Angelina Jolie played Heathcliff–

PAMIE
Oh, Jessica. Oh, my God. That’s the best idea of all time!

JESSICA
Because she’s so masculine and hot, and Johnny would be so feminine as Cathy! So hot!

PAMIE
I can’t handle how hot this is! Call them! Call them now and make it happen! It’s the best idea ever!

JESSICA
Post it on pamie.com! Get it out there in the universe!

LIZ
Use the power of The Secret! Make it happen!

PAMIE
Okay!
[/scripty]

Podcast: Film Pigs: Silent Hill

The Film Pigs make alternate DVD commentary for movies that suck. This week they invited me to join them.

Silent Hill (2006)

What Halloween would be complete without an awkward video-game-to-movie translation? Watch in horror as a concerned mother deals with her child’s terrible nightmares about a town called “Silent Hill” by putting her daughter in the car and maniacally crashing it into a town called “Silent Hill.” For some reason, this makes the child run away from her mother, seeking comfort from the town’s compliment of shambling ash babies. 2 hour movie. 20 minute expository ending. 5 minutes of good gore. 1 Strippercop. PLUS, guest commentator Pamela Ribon delays a very important phone call to join us in anticipation of Scary Cakes!

Don’t miss the moment when I inadvertently insult my husband, two of my closest friends, the internet, technology, and you — all at the same time.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

In her latest entry, Sara gives a tour of tacky Hollywood homes, including my favorite — the year-round David house. This house is lined in white statues of David, and for Christmas they all get tiny Santa hats.

Our neighborhood is decorated with lots and lots of lights, prompting stee to buy some lights at Target yesterday. That’s when we learned our house has no exterior electrical outlet. Every day homeownership teaches you something new. (We’ve found a workaround — please no helpful suggestions!) Yesterday I trimmed the… green stuff… out on the front hill, around the parking spot. It looks really good, but even though I wore gloves I’ve got three blisters on my right hand. I’m sure that the rest of this next week will involve me accidentally slamming my shouder into something blunt, burning my wrist while cooking, burning my neck while doing my hair, snapping a fingernail off at the quick while reaching for the remote control, and accidentally getting my face caught in the middle of a Cal/Taylor brawl. Because I’m a pretty, pretty bride. Continue reading