blood lines

I don’t understand why they can’t market hair removal products to women without being utterly condescending. The worst is the Intuition, which instantly puts a Shakira song in my head anyway, but to add insult to injury, they also show these women who can’t handle holding a razor. It’s always flying across the room, soap shooting out from their luxurious bubble bath. “Ooopsy! I dwopped my waazor! I sure wish someone would hewp widdle naked me.” Continue reading

Set List from a Sitcom Warmup Guy

Hour One

  • How U Folks Doin’?
  • Been 2 a Taping Before?
  • “And Clap”
  • Who’s Excited?
  • Promise of Candy and Pizza
  • Sitcom 101 (Not Funny Ha-Ha)
  • “Who Likes To (Party In Da House)?”
  • Say “Hey!” Say “Hey-HEY!”
  • Make Some Noize!!
  • Sitcom 101 (Continued) [NO JOKES]
  • Who Likes the Bible? / Who Writes Poetry? / Who Watches South Park? (Getting to Know You)
  • Random Trivia About the People You’re Staring At
  • “Marines In Da House!”/ Fire Safety 101
  • Where U From? (Stretch this out)
  • Name That Tune
  • Shake It, Don’t Break It
  • Sing-a-Long Like You’re Drunk
  • Candy Throw I
  • Make Some Noize (II)
  • “AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?”

Hour Two

  • (note: Turn hat sideways [ALWAYS FUNNY])
  • Awkward Silence As I Try to Figure Out What the Fuck Is Going On (Moving On?????)
  • Stalling 4 Pizza
  • Well-Timed Boob Joke [CHECK! I’M AWESOME. THANK YOU!]
  • Tossing Toys
  • “C’mon, Get Da Beat!”
  • Incomprehensible Side Trip
  • Holla For Pizza
  • “They Have To Shoot This Scene One More Time” [Hold For Groans]
  • Stalling 4 Pizza (II & III)
  • Act a Fool
  • Try to Start Clapping and Dancing / Remind Them to Laugh Louder
  • “Is This Show Blowing Up or What, My Friends?!”
  • Exhausted Sigh
  • Applaud Random Camera Guy For Being a Camera Guy

Hour Three

  • HERE COMES PIZZA!!!!!
  • “Audrey Hepburn in Da House!!”
  • “These girls are so hot. Don’t they drive you crazy with how hot they are? I mean, GOD.”
  • Who Wants Tic-Tacs?!
  • “Give it up for that last joke, people! Give it up! Give it up!”
  • “Milkshake” Dance [BONUS: On old lady’s lap!!!]
  • I Think My Microphone Battery Might Be Dead
  • Testing / Testes
  • And We’re Back!

Hour Four

  • Who Wants a Snickers!?!
  • Ooh, I Almost Hit You In the Head With That Candy
  • “Let’s Give It Up For Those Guys, Huh?
  • Um… Uh… I Don’t Know… What’s Happening… Uh…
  • And Clap!
  • Hey, Say Hi To That Guy, Ladies and Gentlemen
  • Curtain Call 101 [Exhausted]
  • Remind People How To Clap
  • Woo! Woo! Woo!
  • Sing “Closing Time” To Empty Seats

Apoplex, Please!

Hey, here’s a bad idea: watching this week’s episode of Six Feet Underif you’ve ever had anyone in your life die. Jesus Christ, that was painful.

Work went late tonight. Had to cancel dinner plans. We’re officially in production now.

One of the things I do miss about my pre-television life is my lunch schedule. Every day the writing stopped at one (stee likes to keep things to a pretty tight schedule), and we sat for lunch with The Daily Show. Right now I have an episode on pause. I haven’t watched this show in what feels like months. The set is different. It’s different watching it late at night. I’m by myself. It’s just not the same. And for some reason, this pretty new redesign is much more intriguing than watching a week-old daily show episode with Joe Biden by myself on the couch. Continue reading

push up your glasses.

It’s been very hard to keep cool when working with all these writers who’ve done things I admire. It’s happened at all three of these last jobs, where I’m sitting, chatting with someone, and part of my brain will suddenly realize he wrote an episode of television that became a memorable Thanksgiving, or he created a catchphrase still said among my friends. And I try not to Farley-out with these people, but sometimes it’s really hard.

Then I go and screw it all by shouting, “Hey, you guys! We’re driving through Stars Hollow! Look! The video store!” Continue reading

A Glamorous Hollywood Lifestyle

1. You will not be home before eleven.
2. This is because you are at work.
3. When you wake up, it is because you have work to do before you get to work, because there’s so much work you can’t do while you’re at work.
4. Suffer the constant teasing that you’re leaving one show for another. Feel like you’re changing schools again, just like when you were a kid. You’re leaving all of your friends and sure that everyone at the new school will hate you and will never be as cool as the friends you have now. Continue reading

We Need To Talk

You and I.

How should I put this? I’ve been thinking about this conversation for a while now. I want to know the best way to put it to you. Let me try and make it as simple as possible.

When I first started this website, I worked for a computer company. Then I worked for a software company. I rarely wrote about those jobs. I know enough about writing on the internet, under you own name, to know that it’s not so smart to talk about your job, your co-workers, your boss, or anything having to do with your feelings of inadequacy at the place that pays your bills. Continue reading