okay. wait. i forgot to put the– Do we need to put the– what day is it? Okay. Oh, you already put the–? Thank you.
Okay. So far, life with a newborn is —
WHAT, JASON? NO, IT’S IN THE THING. IT’S IN THE THING. THE THING. THE THING WITH THE– NEAR THE– I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU! NO, THAT’S THE OTHER THING. IT’S IN THE OTHER THING. TO THE LEFT OF THAT. RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. I’LL JUST COME– HOLD ON.
Okay. Life with —
No, that cry definitely means the baby probably needs to be fed. Hang on. Okay. Okay. Oooookay. What day is it? Did I put the thing…? I should nap. Where’s my phone? Do you need to be changed?
So far, life with a newborn is pretty much exactly like getting staffed on a new show. The hours are ridiculous. The star is unpredictable and has a tendency to shit on whatever it is you just finished doing. Sometimes you have to go into a room where nobody else is so you can cry. There are lots of tears, really, and not all of them are yours. You feel like at any moment someone is going to walk in and say, “What is wrong with you? You have no business here. Get out. You are terrible at this.” People bring in food, and when they don’t, there’s take-out. There are fights about bodily functions. People aren’t getting enough sleep. You don’t see your friends, or outside, or weather. You can’t stop what’s happening and you don’t have much control over one minute to the next. Someone’s always giving you notes that you may or may not use. You have a feeling the whole thing would go much more easily if everyone was drinking. There’s a lot of talk about poop. A lot. A lot of talk about poop. And farting. And a lot of wondering what the future holds.