So far life with a newborn is–

hang on.

okay. wait. i forgot to put the– Do we need to put the– what day is it? Okay. Oh, you already put the–? Thank you.

Okay. So far, life with a newborn is —

Sorry.

WHAT, JASON? NO, IT’S IN THE THING. IT’S IN THE THING. THE THING. THE THING WITH THE– NEAR THE– I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU! NO, THAT’S THE OTHER THING. IT’S IN THE OTHER THING. TO THE LEFT OF THAT. RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. I’LL JUST COME– HOLD ON.

Okay. Life with —

No, that cry definitely means the baby probably needs to be fed. Hang on. Okay. Okay. Oooookay. What day is it? Did I put the thing…? I should nap. Where’s my phone? Do you need to be changed?

[db]

So far, life with a newborn is pretty much exactly like getting staffed on a new show. The hours are ridiculous. The star is unpredictable and has a tendency to shit on whatever it is you just finished doing. Sometimes you have to go into a room where nobody else is so you can cry. There are lots of tears, really, and not all of them are yours. You feel like at any moment someone is going to walk in and say, “What is wrong with you? You have no business here. Get out. You are terrible at this.” People bring in food, and when they don’t, there’s take-out. There are fights about bodily functions. People aren’t getting enough sleep. You don’t see your friends, or outside, or weather. You can’t stop what’s happening and you don’t have much control over one minute to the next. Someone’s always giving you notes that you may or may not use. You have a feeling the whole thing would go much more easily if everyone was drinking. There’s a lot of talk about poop. A lot. A lot of talk about poop. And farting. And a lot of wondering what the future holds.

36 thoughts on “And Now We Have This Baby… (What Day Is It?)

  1. Mostly I like that you have tagged most of your baby related posts with “What have I done.” Hang in there, you’ll sleep again, I mean eventually the baby will move out. Probably not next week but eventually.

  2. I’ve said it before: babies are the Universe’s way of teaching true humility and patience.

    Via firehose.

    The first few weeks are a blur. Just sleep, eat, wash, repeat.

    It gets better.

    Usually.

  3. They’re right. It does get much better, and you forget how bad it was. In my case, I forgot so much that I’m starting to come out of it for the second time. I’m not going to forget this time.

    1. Yeah, when they hit 2 is when you have to watch out, because you look at your screaming, crying toddler and say to yourself “Gee, I miss the times when s/he cried asking for me instead of crying at me for things. Plus s/he used to be small and chubby, instead of big and running circles around me like a tiny tornado” and that starts THE LONGING. Both the husband and I have given in to it, unfortunately.

  4. I wonder about that, Jana. I’m almost thinking of doing it again but then I think I do remember! It’s not that it’s a bad memory, it’s just fucking exhausting. But fun, too, but also nuts. Yay to new parents!

  5. I cried for the first two weeks after Henry was born because I couldn’t figure out how to send him back. Now he’s 17 months old and batshit crazy. It gets better, it gets worse, it gets better, and then you just don’t give a shit. Things are a lot better once you get to that point. Drinking helps.

  6. i’m glad to know you’re surviving, covered in barf,shit and drool. glad the little is happy, healthy and keeping you busy. give her neck a sniff after bath for me.

    that’s the best part of a newborn. that and an unexpected nap.

  7. Just wanted to say that I’m about 7 months ahead of you and I enjoy your posts so much. Also- it sucks sometimes but one day you’ll barely remember it. It’s like selective amnesia. That’s why we can all say it gets better-we don’t really allow ourselves to remember how bad it was.

  8. Oh for most of the first year I thought to myself at least once a day, “I won’t ever not have this baby ever again.” (Not that I didn’t love him to death, I did. But, you know…) I definitely have amnesia about how really fucking bad those first 4 months were, but once they start sleeping through the night, things improve exponentially. Then once you stop breastfeeding, things improve exponentially (again). Then once they start telling you things, things improve exponentially (again). You get the idea. My kid is 21 months old now (yep, still counting in months), and now I think to myself at least once a day, “my kid is the fucking awesomest and I should do this AGAIN!” Crazytalk, but such is life.

  9. I’ll probably say this on every baby-related post you write, but I want all this in a book I can give to my friends, because at 33 I am the only one that internets, apparently. That is the term they use.

    I wish you 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

  10. You don’t know me, but I’m a long time reader. Congrats and I just had to comment as my three month old just projectile vomited on me followed by the biggest smile. She’s our first baby and those first few weeks were just a haze, but I know each day is better and better. It’s a far cry from the second weekend home when I sobbed over pancakes, literally soaking them, and wailing that I was so tired, that the cats are going to eat the baby, what’s on my shirt etc. I think the best way to describe it is that having a baby reduces you to being a baby yourself, all you can barely do is eat, sleep and poop if they let you.

  11. Congratulations! And the title of this post made me laugh — flashbacks to your Gilmore Girls recaps on TWOP when you were always trying to figure out what day of the week it was on the show. What day is it??

    I have two kids (they are now 3 and 5) and I have virtually no memory of the first 5 weeks or so of either of their lives, except that it was exactly as you describe. As everyone said, it absolutely gets better and so much more fun.

  12. Bright blessings on the news!

    Now, go away, and come back again in six months or so whenever you can sleep through the night again. Sooner only if you need a moment of non-mommihood and affirmation and reminder of all those wonderful things you are in addition to that: writer, humorist, etc. Read, of course, as you are able, but only post if it feeds you to do so.

  13. And yet, even with the tide of piss, shit, and sleeplessness about to drown you….. It’s all sooooooooo f@#kin worth it!
    Congrats on the little one!

  14. As the Wicked Witch of the West once penned (in the sky, with a broom), “Surrender Dorothy.” [It kind of chaps me that she failed to use a comma, but the point holds.]

    More importantly, CONGRATULATIONS!

    Moreover, if you don’t already read Rebecca Woolf’s blog, girlsgonechild.net, you maybe oughta. You know, in all your spare time.

  15. Congratulations!

    And as the mom of a two year old who STILL doesn’t sleep through the night, and who just. . .refuses. . . to completely wean. . .even when it doesn’t seem like it gets better, it really DOES get better. As much as I would kill for sleep, it’s balanced by his recently learning how to say, “I love you.”

    This is one area where Nietzsche’s platitude is correct.

  16. Congrats! And much like getting everyone-and-their-brother’s pregnancy stories now you’ll get everyone-and-their-brother’s kid stories. Sorry to say that part never gets better :)

  17. This is the most accurate description of what having a newborn feels like I have ever read. And now I know I never want to get staffed on a TV show, so thank you.

    At the risk of sounding cliche, it does get easier. But you never stop calling everything THE THING. And your husband will never correctly identify THE THING on the first try.

    Congratulations!

  18. I remember weeks 1-5 being miserable, then the baby was a total hell monster during week 6, and then the first day of week 7 he looked at me and smiled. And I swear, every day since then has gotten better and easier. But oh dear god, those first few weeks were awful.

  19. And they say… “and then they move out.” But the truth is they move back too. Mine’s done it twice. And yes, there could be a great book coming from this. I look forward to it.

  20. First off, you have Mommy Brain, which is your brain growing new neurons in multi-tasking. ONLY time an adult grows neurons is after a birth so, its “special” (you know.. like ‘special class’ in school). Take pride in how brainless you feel, its a testament to how smart you’ll be after.

    Second, you’ll be talking poop for YEARS! Once my sister-in-law turned to me and said, “Does every conversation have to be about poop?” Of course I had 3 boys, 2 years apart.. so I had 6 – 8 years of sleep deprivation either nursing or growing a kid. I just looked at her blankly.

    Third, if you think THIS stage is bad, wait until it completely sinks in that you’ll be repeating grades K-12…. per kid you have. If you thought doing it once was bad… wait until you’re doing it as an adult.

    Hang in there… it gets better with practice. Or you get numb, I don’t know. Either way it SEEMS less horrendous.

Leave a Reply