1. “Oh, my gosh! You’re Pam! And I’m Pam! I mean, I’m really Pam, and you’re playing Pam, but your Pam is awesome and I’m not fictional.”

2. “How’s your back? I mean… I read about how you broke it at the upfronts. I know that’s none of my business. Nevermind. Don’t answer that, I don’t care. I mean, I care, of course I care, but I mean I don’t care that you don’t want to tell me how your back is. Do you need me to carry your books?”

3. “Hey! My name is Pam and I write on a TV show and you play Pam on a TV show where one of your co-workers is named Jim and — guess what? — one of my co-workers is named Jim! So we’re like Jim and Pam, except we don’t like each other like that. I mean, we like each other fine, as friends, but we don’t flirt or anything like you and your Jim do. We mostly talk about So You Think You Can Dance. Wait, does that mean he likes me? Do you want to get some coffee right now and talk about what we should do about our Jims?”

4. “YOU’RE JENNA FISCHER!”

5. “Aren’t books awesome? I like them a lot. You know, you don’t know me, but you do. You once linked to our charity site, which was really cool of you and I never really thanked you, like, in person, so thank you. I know you probably don’t remember that so why don’t we just talk about what book you’re looking for and I’ll help you find it so that I can thank you for that time you linked to the book drive because we raised a lot of books and I don’t think we would have raised as many books if you didn’t link us. … Did I just say “books” a lot? That’s a funny word. Books. It’s only one letter different than boobs, and yet so very different than boobs, isn’t it? I didn’t mean to just look at your boobs. I was just… never mind, it won’t make any sense if I try to explain it. Anyway, I’m going to go update my blog now, because that’s how I roll, bee-yatch. Oh, my god. I’ve never said that phrase in my life. Do me a favor. Stay right there. And I’m going to walk over there and then keep walking and then stay away from you forever. You’re welcome. Nice to meet you. Sorry you had to meet me. Stay awesome. Happy Emmy. You deserve it.”