twenty-five first sentences of blog entries I’ll never write

Presented in the exact order they entered my head:

1) So, Eric and I were talking the other night about our mutual love of making lists.

2) There was a bar down the block from my Bensonhurst apartment that Mapquest said was 0.00 miles away from where I lived, and that bar was called “The Silhouette Lounge.”

3) I am sick and tired of being a one-man Grey’s Anatomy backlash.

4) I’m taking a new multivitamin and you have no idea what it has done to the color of my pee.

5) When you try and serenade someone with “Just the Way You Are” at the 7-11, you hope, at the very least, that they have heard of Billy Joel.

6) Who here loves the Traveling Wilburys?

7) I bake muffins using nut flour that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

8) Have you ever seen a plastic dolphin that’s also a magnet that’s also a bottle opener, and would you want it if someone gave it to you as a present?

9) She was a nice girl and a really, really good friend of mine, but she didn’t stop talking during The Daily Show.

10) Have I ever told you guys I used to be a professional Christmas caroler?

11) Have I ever told you guys I haven’t talked to my biological father in seven years?

12) Is there such a thing as oversharing on a blog?

13) Can I tell you how much I’ve learned about British television this month?

14) I think I have a tapeworm.

15) How come no one ever talks about how hard it is to gain weight?

16) I love bread.

17) It’s not fair and it’s not right, but I still get really annoyed when the wireless connection that I steal stops working in my apartment.

18) I cried at my five-year college reunion, and then we all went to the movies.

19) As follows is a list of every karaoke song I’ve ever sang in public:

20) I spent a lot longer than I should have working as Arianna Huffington’s publicist.

21) I’ll be secretly glad when my mom’s cat dies.

22) Anyone else been drunk in a library?

23) What is the deal with LA and traffic?

24) I hope I’m not overthinking this just because I have ample time in which to sit around and do so, but do you think the universe is expanding at such a rate that it might collapse in upon itself at the current rate of expansion?

25) I miss working.

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