To: Allison and Chris, AB and Vince, and stee.
stee just called.
stee: So, I came home to find amazon boxes. For me. Probably from C3 [Patron Saint of TWoP].
pamie: Thanks for bragging.
stee: And there are flowers.
pamie: For me?
stee: The card says, “Dan and Jane, thank you for a lovely time and for hosting the event. Phil.”
pamie: We got someone else’s flowers?
stee: So I called the florist, and after about twenty minutes of me going, “Are they from Gersh?” He finally said, “No, there are like, kids names. And it says I love you.”
pamie: I don’t understand.
stee: I think they’re from Allison and AB and Chris and Vince and…Teri?
pamie: Are they pretty?
stee: Yes. But they’re probably the wrong flowers, too. But they sent them. And I think they’re from those guys.
pamie: I will thank them.
stee: Yeah, that’s nice of them, to send you flowers.
pamie: They’re nice people.
pamie: Why did you tell me you got boxes from C3 first? Jealous of my flowers?
Subject: Re: So…
To: pamie, chris, ab, stee, vince
HAHAH! Oh my LORD. I was JUST TELLING Anna Beth that this very thing was going to happen.
They’re from the four of us and they are supposed to be a dozen yellow roses because we are sad that your show was cancelled and we DO love you.
I KNEW that guy was high when I placed the order. Shit. I kept having to spell everything and he was like “Yeah, yeah. I should write that they’re from Alice, Flips, Banana and Prince.” Finally I was like, “sure. yes.”
I’m shocked you got anything at all. He would not believe me that your house was near the florist, when I knew it was, because I was looking at a MAP on the Internet. Somehow, in five miles, the dude screwed up the cards, maybe? I hope you got our flowers and not Dan and Jane’s. Though I am sure it was a lovely evening, and everything.
I am laughing so hard. I should have sent balloons. This will teach me for going with some place called Garden of Venus, or whatever the hell it was.
Message: Well, stee didn’t mention if they were yellow roses, so I’m guessing they’re not. But you guys are so sweet to send them. Thank you so much.
Poor Dan and Jane have no idea why they’ve been cancelled. Or why y’all love them.
To: everybody else
Message: I just called the guy back and busted him for assuring me that we got the right FLOWERS but just the wrong card. And he said that we got the more expensive bouquet and the other one didn’t even have a vase — basically dissed the shit out of your correct order — and the vaguely offered to bring us the right ones tomorrow. Gardens of Vagina or whatever they’re called sure are good with pleasing the customer!
To: all y’all
Message: Garden of Vaginas sucks. You have to take a picture of Dan and Jane’s BETTER flowers, so we can see just HOW lovely their evening actually was.
Sorry, Pam. Whatever flowers you got, just know that Sal, Krisp, Tanya and Benson do really love you.
To: my bitches
Message: just so you know:
if they use the same handwriting to say: “alice, babies, rinse and brisk LOVE YOU,” someone just got the shit scared out of them.
thanks again for the flowers, Phils. They’re beautiful.
To: babies, brisks and cheeses
Message: HAHHHHHAAAAAA! Oh my GOD. That is the scariest florist in LA right there. I am so sorry, p. You have to go VISIT them and be like “I’m Sam Rubels, and my friends Alyssa, Ray Jay, Vance and Cristo would never have sent me a mixed arrangement that contained both orchids and a gerbera daisy, so fuck off.”
I am only advocating such behavior because I am silly on margaritasfor the first time in forever and I just went to Target with a full buzz on. I was rocking Target tonight, people. Friday night! However, even in my current state of intoxication, even if I was on crystal METH, I’d have better handwriting than dude at Grotto of Vesuvius.
Message: Wait, you have to wait until I’m done writing my recap! One more hour! I too am drunk, but not on margaritas, and not on meth. On wine, and I am going to come up with some brilliant pseudonyms.
To: anyone who’s actually still reading all this
Message: Wait a second. I didn’t even tell you the best part about the margarita(s): the one I drank, which was bigger than my head, was called “La Millionaria.” How could I have NOT had it.
Also, AB, I took a picture of this tree in Target and I want you to get it.
You can help stop this insanity (or fuel it, take your pick), by orderingDamn Millionaires CDs for you and all your friends.