I wish I was watching all of my 21 Jump Street DVD episodes with Sars. Best moment of the pilot: when Johnny Depp gets really sad because he can’t stop thinking about his father, we watch him from outside his apartment window as he stares at a photograph of his father while soulfully playing the saxophone.

Oh, Jump Street. Loved you then, love you now. Can’t wait to get to the Brad Pitt episode.

Johnny 4-Eva

We played “Pin the Pam on Johnny Depp’s Dick.” Shereen won, but really I was the true winner. There are actually more heads of mine, but people began sticking them elsewhere. I was pinned to a head, the ceiling, a chair, and Sara’s boobs. (I’ll leave the “give good head” joke out of this.) The papers taped around the game were from the music trivia game we played. Fun fact: All girls can recognize Cyndi Lauper’s “All Through The Night” in less than one second. Second Fun Fact: To the left there you can see where young Sara thought Spandau Ballet’s “True” was PM Dawn’s “Set Adrift on a Memory Bliss.” She also answered almost every other song with “Time After Time.” She can’t help it; she was a fetus during the eighties.

Ray and Blynch brought me this:

They are socks. For my iPod. I saw them in the store a few weeks ago and thought, “What a dumb-ass waste of money that shit is. Can’t even use the iPod when it’s in one of those cozies.” Then I thought, “I could make one of those for about two dollars and two hours.” Then: “I should make one for AB. She loves useless cute things.” Then: “That blue one is super cute.” Then: “I hate myself.”

So when Ray and Blynch presented me with a box of nine or so socks of my own, I said, “Wow! I saw these at the store! Thank you.”

Blynch curled up his lip. “Aw, man.”

Ray’s eyes got wide. “You like those things?”

“We were hoping you’d hate them.”

“We wanted you to say, ‘Why the hell did you get me these stupid-ass socks?’”

And then we put iSocks on the TiVo remote, a pack of cigarettes, a beer, and the digital camera (replacing my old digital camera protector, the Old Navy kid sock Glark referred to as “Digital Sock”). Then I put an iSock on an iSock and the entire table was covered in useless, pretty-colored knit fake socks.

“This is the dumbest gift. We wanted to get you the dumbest gift because we were going to get you the iTrip but your stupid husband already bought it for you.”

“It was this or iTrip?”

“Yeah.”

“How much were these iSocks?”

“More than nothing, so too much for iSocks.”

“You went from the best of intentions to the worst of intentions.”

“That’s because we love you, buddy.”

[db]

Happy birthday, Jeff! I love your old-ass ass!