Here are words you don’t want to hear:

“Staph Infection.”
“Nothing we can do.”
“Abscess.”
“Wait it out.”
“Antibiotics.”
“I can tell you’re in a lot of pain.”

At a time like this, there’s only one word that sounds like angels whispering in your ear: “Vicodin.”

I’ve never taken it before. Dude, Matthew Perry was on to something.

Vicodin turns me into Meatwad, but without the drugs I can’t stop crying. I suppose at a time like this there are worse things to be than Meatwad.

If these things are as really as common as the dermatologist and the Internet want me to believe, and that everybody gets one at some point, then I don’t understand why we don’t have a cure. Why aren’t we doing something about this? I’m in incredible pain and I’m supposed to believe everybody goes through this and just suffers through it with some antibiotics?

Screw the libraries, I’m fixin’ to start the United Carbuncle Federation. This is the worst. Boils Across America, people. We have to stamp out staph.

STAMP OUT STAFF.

STAMP OUT STAFF.

Try the Vicodin; I’ll be here all week.