I had to stop eating my lunch and throw it out without finishing it a few hours ago, and I haven’t eaten a thing since. This is particularly odd behavior, as I’m in the middle of recapping, an activity that usually finds me eating everything I get my hands on in a bid to maintain my sustenance, even if it’s from my second refrigerator known as “dusty gum from under the couch.” People. ANYTHING.

But I just feel awful. I’m nauseous and my stomach feels raw and I don’t want to eat anything and I’m kind of swoony. I’m sweaty. My forehead is warm. But I’m cold, a little. My throat feels like it’s closing up. You’re thinking…flu. Everyone’s got it. You’ve got it too. I feel you. I’m dying. You’re right.

But wait. There’s more.

I didn’t feel this way until I clicked open my browser window to come face-to-face with one of those “Flu Is Killing Everyone In America, Ever, Even In The Past And People Who Are Already Dead, Too” AP stories that seems to be going around like, well, the flu. And though it’s a somewhat powerful news organization, you can’t get the flu from the AP. Adding to this is the fact that I have to work three jobs in constant succession every single day until Christmas, and I can’t miss any one of them at any point for any reason, ever. I will lose millions. So I’m more worried about nothing more than I am about getting the flu. Seriously, if I can make it to that date, I can get all the flu I want. The day after Christmas is actually a scheduled flu-getting day, when I finally let my body relax and let all of the creeping toxins building up from the rest of the month have their way with me. So I either have the flu or the fake flu, which I’ll know better when I have to leave the house in a half-hour.

Do I have the flu?