D-Girl

So, there was the ABC World News Now segment, where you could watch me babble in the middle of the night about Gilmore Girls and John Ritter. We all missed that one collectively, as there was no warning, but apparently you can download it here.

I’m giving you warning on the next one. Tomorrow night, I’m going to be on The Tonight Show. Yes, the one with Jay Leno. No, not with Jay Leno. I wouldn’t exactly set your VCR’s. I’m not even sure if my segment will air. Yes, it’s just as shady as it sounds, right down to the phone call giving me the part yesterday.

[scripty]
GUY
Pam?

PAMIE
Yeah.

GUY
Hey, this is Guy, the one doing the sketch for The Tonight Show?

PAMIE
Oh, yeah. Hi.

GUY
Hey. Listen, did we talk about this? You know what’s going on?

PAMIE
You need girls for a thing.

GUY
Right. And you’re not union, right?

This basically means I’m getting the part because I’m not SAG yet. I’m not a “real” actress yet, which means they can not pay me. Are you feeling the Hollywood dream yet?

PAMIE
Right. I’m not union.

GUY
Great. Now which one are you?

PAMIE
You said I would be the Ugly One.

GUY
(uncomfortable pause)
The Ugly One? Did I say that?

PAMIE
No, you said you needed a black girl and a Korean girl, and since I’m neither, I was going to maybe be the ugly girl.

GUY
Well… are you ugly?

PAMIE
No.

GUY
See, I’ve already got a fast talker, a low talker, a Korean and a Czech girl. What can you do?

PAMIE
I can do lots of things.

GUY
Describe yourself, would you?

PAMIE
Um, I’m pretty short. Curvy. Proportional. Blonde, blue eyes.

GUY
Do you have an ample bosom?

PAMIE
Uh, yeah. I guess. Yeah.

GUY
Okay, then. You’ll be Big Boob Girl. Okay?

PAMIE
Sure.

GUY
You talk, and I’ll just stare at your boobs.

PAMIE
Got it.

GUY
Okay, get a pen; I’ll give you directions.

Ten minutes later…

PAMIE
Mom, hi.MOM
Hi, baby. We’re watching Rockstar.

PAMIE
That’s a terrible movie.

MOM
Yeah, well, I made dinner while it was on.

PAMIE
So, I’ve got some good news, but I don’t want you to get too excited.

MOM
What is it?

PAMIE
Well, I’m going to be on The Tonight Show.

MOM
What? My baby’s gonna be on The Tonight Show? That’s wonderful! That’s terrific!

PAMIE
Well, I’m not exactly going to be on the show. I’m getting taped at a remote segment.

MOM
What does that mean?

PAMIE
It means I don’t get paid.

MOM
Oh. Well, they don’t pay the guests, do they?

PAMIE
Yeah, Mom. I’m not exactly a guest. You know like when they do Jaywalking?

MOM
Uh-huh. That’s very funny.

PAMIE
Well, I’m going to be sort of like that.

MOM
But you’re smarter than those guys. You’ll get all of the answers right.

PAMIE
I’m not going to be doing the Jaywalking… Mom, I’m Big Boob Girl.

MOM
…. oh.

PAMIE
I’m filming a joke segment, and I’m the girl with the big boobs.

MOM
Well, it’s not the first time.

PAMIE
No, I guess it’s not.

MOM
Here, talk to your sister.

PAMIE
Hey, Bosie.

BOSIE
Pam, what time on Saturday does it come on?

PAMIE
We’re taping it Tuesday night, but I don’t know if it’s on Tuesday night or Wednesday night.

BOSIE
I thought it was live.

PAMIE
No.

BOSIE
Then why do they call it Saturday Live Nightlive or whatever.

PAMIE
No, I’m not on Saturday Night Live. I’m on The Tonight Show.

BOSIE
What’s that?

PAMIE
The one with Jay Leno. The one Dad used to watch.

BOSIE
(not even trying to hide disappointment)
Oh.

PAMIE
I’m Big Boob Girl.

BOSIE
Hee. Here’s Mom.

PAMIE
Mom, you don’t have to tell anyone that I’m Big Boob Girl.

MOM
Are you kidding? I’m calling everybody. Get off the phone.

PAMIE
I’m sorry that I’m not an actual guest on the show.

MOM
Your first play you were Big Boob Girl, and now you’re breaking into television the same way. I’m proud of you.

PAMIE
Aw, thanks.

MOM
Boobs and Funny.

PAMIE
That’s me!

Calling a friend a few minutes later…

PAMIE
So, I’m Big Boob Girl.

HIM
Of course you are.

PAMIE
Always am.

HIM
In fact, when I picked up the phone, all I heard at first was the sound effects your boobs make whenever you move.

PAMIE
Bahooooogah!

HIM
Brrriiannnnnngah!

PAMIE
I can’t believe I’m Big Boob Girl.

HIM
I just love it. Because there are so many girls out there that paid to have that title, and you just swooped in with your natural Texas Ta-Tas and stole that role right out from under them.

PAMIE
That’s true! Of course, it’s only because I’m not union.

HIM
No, it’s because you’re funny, know funny people, you’re non-Union and you’re willing to work for free.

PAMIE
Do you have to be union to shoot porn?

HIM
You stole free work from Porn Stars.

PAMIE
I don’t think Porn Stars are SAG.

HIM
Porn Stars pay to make sure nothing on them can be described as “sag.”

PAMIE
I didn’t even get to suggest a possible character to play. Years of sketch comedy training. No matter what I do, at the end of the day, I’m still Big Boob Girl.

HIM
Who needs American Idol when you’ve got those things strapped to your body?
[/scripty]

So, yes. I’m not sure when it airs, but I tape tomorrow afternoon/evening, so maybe Tuesday night, maybe Wednesday night, I’m going to be on the Tonight Show. Unless they cut my segment, or my part, which is all very possible since I’m not getting paid and there will be other girls there as well. I’ll let you know after I tape my segment.

See? I know you read this journal to get inside the mind of an aspiring writer/actress. And every single day when you see my one-step-forward-two-steps-back Cotton-Eyed Joe I keep dancing, does it make you want to cry? Does it make you want to hug your city and say, “Thank you for not being Los Angeles?” Or does it make you look up with a tiny squint of proud passion and whisper into the air, “Thatta girl, Pamie! Go, Big Boob Girl. Go!”

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