and slightly bitter

Okay, so when you’re gone for a full week you end up having way too many things to talk about when you come back to actually write the entry you want to write. So, I’ll break this up into pieces with things I learned about myself on the trip.

I’m never taking a red-eye again

First of all, I haven’t just degenerated into airplane humor, but I have to mention that I’ve never flown overnight before. Oh, my God. Misery. For the first time in my life I felt the rage necessary to kill complete strangers. Why did everyone have to pee at four in the morning? Why did they all have to put their asses in my face? Why? Why? Why?

People think I’m a complainer

Between my stupid nails, my lack of sleep, my bad flight, my delayed connection and my grumpy disposition I met a new person and someone explained to that person that I would be complaining even if my flight went relatively well. This doesn’t make me happy. People think I’m a complainer.

I’ll admit that I’m a hypochondriac. It’s causing me to have problems getting health insurance. I’ll admit that I get cranky about having to fly or stay in a place that’s not my house or having people over or having wrinkled clothes or having to do chores or having errands to run or…

Shit. I’m a big complainer.

Weddings make me cry

Like a damn baby. Just bawling all over the place like I’m watching an ex-boyfriend get married. Man. Pathetic. I get all involved in how the bride must feel to see all of those people as she turns the corner and the pressure of having something finally happen that you’ve been waiting for all of your life and then… I’m just crying everywhere.

For those keeping score at home, that makes me a bitchy crybaby. See? I learned all sorts of things about myself.

I’m Elaine

Eric and I have moved into a Jerry and Elaine type of friendship that I’m really enjoying. The friendship is good, the teasing is constant and I think we’re both in good places in our lives. You guys all know that Ray is Kramer, right? Just checking.

I love Weezer

So, before I was sort of complaining (shut up) about the Green album. After listening about six times with headphones all by myself way up in the air, I’m completely in love with the album. I’m weak, people. And I’m a sucker for geek boys in love.

It’s hard to be funny

This is the least impressive piece of humor I’ve seen in an incredibly long period of time. That’s okay, I’m willing to help them out. It might be funny if that site had any of the following:

1. Actual gossip. Aren’t these the things we’ve been saying about these people since, oh, I don’t know… The Lowdown, two years ago? Is it still funny to speculate if Rob and Dana are having sex? Match up a couple that could at least be a new kind of scandal. Patrick and The Mighty Kymm. There. Now, if you said those two have been doing it for years, then the two of them have LOTS of explaining to do. Wow. Perhaps Beth might start and stop another journal or forum? You sir, are cutting edge with your speculations.

2. Maybe some current gossip. Uh, I was asking people to say that I was pretty after Journalcon. That was in October. Thanks for paying attention. And, uh, I never said I created my journal design. Whatever. That’s all I kept saying as I read it. Whatever.

3. Jokes. Or timing. Comic ability. Just try for one of these things. “Get a Life” is only a punchline when referring to Chris Elliot.

4. Your Guestbook is juicier than your website. That’s sad to me.

I want to read good parodies. I like reading good dishy shit that’s actually funny. I’m not into mean-spirited asshole crap, but shit, a well-placed dig at me is funny. I’m a grown-up. My friends and I tease the shit out of each other all the time. But we’re actually funny.

Here. I’ll slam myself. We’ll make our own slams.