here comes the ho.

Please forgive my typing. There will probably be lots of typos. This is all not my fault. Let me explain.

I have a wedding to go to this weekend. Yes, I checked the date. Because of last weekend’s non-wedding, I have three weddings this month. Very exciting. Anyway, I’m traveling and seeing people I haven’t seen in a while and with the quitting smoking thing I started biting my nails again, which I hate so much, so I thought it’d be good to get my nails done again before I went out of town.

I got to the manicure place yesterday and asked if I had bitten my nails too far down to get the French manicure that I’ve started to like. She smiled and said something about my nails not being too short because she can just “add a little nail.” And then she said, “Why not, right?”

The next thing I knew there were tips glued to my fingers. And at first I thought, “She’s giving me fake nails.” I said, “No. I type all the time. I can’t have long nails.”

She’s all, “No. Very strong. Short. Little nail. Natural. Pretty.”

So I figure she just put these tips on to even out all of my fingers. I calmed down. Then she started filing. She had this filing machine that seemed to be like a dentist’s tool. It’s drilling on the tops of my nails and there’s a burning smell and my fingers feel like they’re on fire. I had tears in my eyes and tried to get her to stop. Well, to be honest, I looked around and hoped that someone would save me. Nobody said a word and she didn’t notice I was in pain. Then she put some sort of powder on my nails that hardened to a cement and then there was more filing and more pain and every time I started complaining she’d say, “Not finished. Don’t look yet. Wait until I’m done, will be pretty.”

She filed away my nails and my skin, people. She filed away my actual real nails to put these fake ones on. My fingers are killing me. I looked down when she was finished.

I’ve got whore nails. These nails are only useful for spinning your own body around a pole. I look like one of the girls on The Bare Wench Project. I’ve got big hooker fingernails that are totally not me. She said I have to wear these for two weeks and I think it costs money to get them off and I can’t even just acetone them off right now because she filed away my real fingernails and I’ll have scary skinflaps at the ends of my fingers and that’s no way to be pretty at a wedding.

I hate my hands. I can’t type and I can’t scratch things or pick things up or button my pants. I hate it! I hate my ho hands.

Man. I’m so stupid. And the worst was that it ended up costing twenty dollars more than I originally was going to pay. So, I paid extra money, which makes me want to keep the nails on because I paid for them, and having them keeps me from biting my nails. Dammit. I hate it.

In my inbox yesterday:
[readermail]Subject: A message for Pamela Ribon from committedquitters.com!
Date: Wed, 23 May 2001 10:34:32 -0400
From: committedquitters@sb.com
To: pamie@pamie.com

Congratulations!

You’ve been a nonsmoker for three weeks. That’s a big accomplishment, especially since you had smoked for 8 years.

This is the time to really start thinking of yourself as a nonsmoker. By using Nicorette, you’re helping ensure you’ll stay a nonsmoker. Studies have shown that people who use Nicorette for the recommended 12 weeks are three times more likely to still be nonsmokers after a year than people who don’t use Nicorette.

Don’t forget to pick up your Nicorette refill. Keep up the good work!

Log on to http://www.committedquitters.com/html/email_login.cfm for more suggestions on how to make this quit attempt your last quit attempt.[/readermail]

Followed by:

[readermail]Subject: Don’t Give Up!
Date: Wed, 23 May 2001 12:01:58 -0700
From: “Nicky O’Teen”
To: pamie

Hi PAMELA!

My name is Nicky from Mentholottayum. We are a non-profit organization dedicated to the pursuit of cool refreshing taste and flavor. Recently, a little black bird told me a secret. Am I to understand that you are going on three weeks without smoking?Is that any way to treat a best friend, PAMELA? You wouldn’t leave your pets alone for three weeks would you? If you said no to these two questions then it is time for you to come back to smoking.

Through a special arrangement with the nations leading tobacco companies, we are prepared to make available to you 400 trial packs of your favorite menthol cigarettes. Just reply to this email and we will dispatch a nicotine auditor to your home. One of our experts will stay with you 24 hours a day until you can kick that non-habit. Most people are back on the smoke in thirteen to fourteen seconds.

Did you know that the makers of Nicorette gum are responsible for recent gas prices? Makes you think doesn’t it?

It’s not too late PAMELA. I just got off the phone with cigarettes…. they miss you too.

Your Pal,

Nicky[/readermail]

Just one of the perks of having Ray as a roommate.

Oh, and yesterday I was complaining about the article in Spin magazine. I meant Entertainment Weekly.

Have a good Memorial day. I won’t be back in town until early next week. Y’all be nice to your Aunt Allison. Tomorrow I should have an extra go up on Mighty Big TV for “Lady Marmalade.” You can sign up for the mailing list so you know when it goes live.